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“And how about you?” I look at him curiously.
“Well, I admit, I think it’s too late now. Naturally, I love my mother a lot. But my sole source of comfort has always been my Grandma Lola. I don’t know how I’ll survive a single day without her. It’s all so cruel. I’m completely lost...” he sniffles and falls silent for a moment.
“And on top of everything,” he adds, raising his voice, “I have to run a company of 300 employees, have business meetings, some abroad, keep to my obligations, and it all rests on my shoulders. I swear, I’m about to collapse. I feel completely deflated.”
I look into his eyes. I feel so lucky that he’s decided to share all of his pain with me. I’m so stunned by the sheer level of his sincerity and introspection. At that very moment, I realize this man is a gem. He wasn’t ashamed to cry in my presence. He didn’t care what other people thought of him and did whatever he wanted. He was both a strong and approachable man; he moved me so much; strumming the strings of my heart. No wonder Michael had spoken so highly of him and claimed he had managed to heal his wounded soul. I can clearly see now what he meant. Avi is such a charismatic individual, whose charm could win anyone over. You could get sucked into the depths of his soul, swept away in a whirlpool that poked at all your challenges and weaknesses, turning them at once into strengths. My sensitivity and attentiveness offered him a sense of confidence, allowing him a catharsis. My questions led him to speak about the source of his pain. He finds it easy to release his emotions to me, and this empowers me.
I pull myself together and try to calm myself. Only hours ago, I was smitten with Michael and was planning our future together. However, the more time I spend with him, the more anxieties and life-long fears I shed. I’m filled with confidence merely because such a special and impressive man sits at my side and shares his pain with great fortitude. Despite my current unstable mental disposition, he perceives my pessimistic insights as a blessing. As if my shortcomings and disadvantages are a source of strength that can heal his soul. I suddenly start sobbing. I want him so badly. I’ve always formed relationships with people who seemingly made me feel that I can have an impact on their lives. I’ve always been that way and I wouldn’t want to change it. I want to stay true to my authentic self. I simply wanted to find a man that wouldn’t use it against me during a crisis.
I wonder if I could ever be this meaningful for Michael. After all, he’s a man of the world. He’s surrounded by such gorgeous and talented women. I’m concerned I might fade into the background, the bright camera flashes overshadowing me and my insecurities. I find it hard to see my role in that relationship. Attraction usually passes with time and wanes. I should know, after years of denying that I wanted to feel intensely loved, passionately and ferociously wanted. After I had settled for so long and for so little.
What would happen to me then? Would I even have the energy left to handle all my doubts and pay the price to keep this relationship afloat? I’m all alone now and have to raise Roy in the best way possible. Passion and stress are about the last things I need right now if I want to balance my life. I admit to myself that this relationship with Michael will never be feasible.
“I know it’s a cliché,” I finally manage to find the words, “but when the grief and pain subside, you’ll be able to see clearer. As much as it pains me to say it, there are some things in life that are out of our control. You know, I’ve heard a clever phrase once that in order to handle complex situations that make us feel helpless, we need to simply let them be, because things move at their own pace. Unfortunately, things don’t happen according to plan. I’m quite sure you’ve heard it all before, but your grandmother sounds like a lovely woman. I’m sure she’s proud of you and the way that you’ve shown your love for her. She must know how important she is to you. Embrace those good memories that you’ve shared and cherish them. Even though, sometimes, meaningful people disappear from our lives, their impact will always stay with us and in our hearts, and they can revive our spirit.”
I glance at his face and he once again mesmerizes me with that charm he oozes. I completely forget my previous state, and perhaps even my existence before I had met him.
His hair is dark blonde and reaches his shoulders, his skin is lightly tanned, his body is toned and firm, but he isn’t as broad as Michael. His gray eyes are hypnotic, they bewitch and draw me in. There’s a certain depth in them and an intriguing twinkle. Long lashes frame his eyes, and his teeth are white and bright, his lips prominent and thick, his cheek bones are high, but not too high. He’s so gorgeous that it hurts.
“Wow, Sam!” He appears surprised and excited. “I have no words to describe how I’m feeling right now. I’ve never shared this much. You’re a very special woman,” he adds. “Ever since our eyes met, I knew we’d meet again. I really appreciate everything you’ve just told me. Every word rings true.”
“With pleasure,” I smile an evasive and confused smile. “May I hug you now, please?” he smiles excitedly and leans in, pressing his body against mine, giving me a very tight and wordless hug.
We sit there in each other’s arms, awkwardly sprawled next to each other in the lawn chair, trying to clear our thoughts. I’m overwhelmed with sadness and a huge burden weighs on my soul. It feels as though my life has reached a cruel intersection. I’ve never experienced such intense feelings and confusion as I have these past days. And now, I’ve reached a whole new peak. I find it impossible to believe that this wonderfully impressive man feels so lonely. The world is such a vicious place. I become dispirited.
“The most painful thing possible is when the people you trust and love deny you, hurt you and render your existence redundant.” That’s exactly what happened to me, I whisper into his ear. “You can be surrounded by people and still feel lonely. You can be all on your own yet still feel loved. It all has to do with the significance of the relationship.”
I desperately wanted to kiss him and comfort him; but I have no right to do so. All of a sudden, I realize how my body is shamefully intertwined with his, and I feel serenity in his arms. I’m overwhelmed with mixed feelings of guilt and desire.
‘What’s with you?’ I berate myself angrily. ‘Yesterday I was cradled in Michael’s arms and everything was whole and perfect. And here I am, with his best friend, wanting with every fiber of my being to remain here with him.’
I slowly free myself from his arms, enraged and frustrated with myself for being carried away, yet again, into a reckless and destructive situation. I’m also infuriated with the universe for the sorrow it had inflicted on this man who had penetrated my heart like a meteor traveling through space. I struggle to breathe.
“Perhaps we should get up to wash our face?” I whisper to him and feign a smile.
“Sure. It’s absolutely fine. I see that your capacity to empathize with me is maxed out for today.” We stand up together and he places his hand on my shoulder. “Once again, thank you for listening and for all the things you’ve said,” he whispers into my ear. “I wish you a good night.” He gently kisses my forehead and starts for his room.
The door closes behind him and I feel so naked, bare, and lonely.
“Sam? I was looking for you,” Michael finds me sitting on the bed in his room. I’m completely enveloped in my own thoughts.
“Oh, you’re back already?” I glance at him, making sure not to make any eye contact.
“I just walked in. You look sad, is everything alright?”
“Everything’s fine,” I smile faintly, but I can sense my expression is sour and sullen. I can’t handle anyone right now. On the other hand, I feel so bad about my irresponsible, cold and distant behavior towards this amazing and good man, who spent two whole days completely devoted to giving me the gift of the sea. For two days he set my soul free, filled my heart with inviting memories of colors and light. And here I was, denying him, pushing him away from me, in order to allow my superego to legitimize my having been emotionally intimate with his best friend. As the minutes pass on by, my desires become clearer. The only thing I would like to do right now is go to Avi’s room, lie at his side and caress his hair. Not just for an hour or for a fleeting moment; but for a lifetime.
What do and I and that man have in common? It must be because it’s a challenge! I try to convince myself. He’s not into relationships and is always chasing the next thrill or the next woman. He’s a lone soul, blowing in the wind. He has a woman at every port, waiting for him to show up and knock at their door. You’re replacing one headache with another, and you’ll be hurt again. Stop it! I’m absolutely angry at myself.
But perhaps he’ll change his ways for me? After all, he had chosen to share his pain with me. Although his door is shut, it’s still only a step away. I start feeling that familiar surge of adrenalin I’d been having for the past decade before an anxiety attack creeps up. My legs start to tremble and become heavy. My heart races, and I feel nauseous and truly breathless.
He places his hand on my shoulder, “Avi’s special, isn’t he?”
I try to speak but can’t utter even a syllable. Instead, I nod and stifle my tears.
“As you said earlier, he’s going through some hard times,” I agree with him.
“Actually, I’m very concerned about him. He’s been rather lost, he’s blocked out of all his friends and prevented them from coming here. He switches off his phone, shuts everyone out, cries; he’s constantly upset. My heart breaks when I see him like this. You see, his dear grandmother is dying. She practically raised him ever since he lost his father. She was like a mother to him. It takes me back to those painful moments when I had found out my mother died. It makes me feel so sad. I wish there was something I could do to ease his pain.” Michael is frustrated, which is clearly evident in his voice. “But unfortunately, I have to leave for Sweden tomorrow. I have a huge concert coming up and the next couple of months are about to be unbelievably hectic.”
