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“Nothing can make things better,” I conclude and caress his face affectionately. “It’s a process,” I explain. “He needs to get through it, think things over, put his thoughts in order, accept that there are things we cannot change, even though they agonize us.”
“Yes, but I still feel that leaving him this way isn’t right. He doesn’t deserve it. He needs me. He’s always been there for me; saving me from myself,” his expression reveals how guilty he feels. “Ugh, I’m fed up with everything.” He turns back and heads to Avi’s room. He knocks twice, and slowly opens the door.
“Can we talk?” he asks his at the threshold.
“Come in,” he confirms.
“Okay, just a second, I’ll tell Sam that I’m going to sit with you for a while. I feel bad, I’ve left her alone for a couple of hours and I’m flying out tomorrow.”
He quickly comes back to me, while I look at him silently.
“So. . . have a wonderful flight, sweetheart,” I stand up and hug him tightly. “I’ve had such an amazing time with you, and you might not know this, but you’ve truly touched my soul,” I add, then turn on my heels, return to the room and sit on his bad. He looks at me, pensive, struggling to understand my distant behavior. He grabs my hand and peers into my eyes.
“Sam? Is everything alright? Did something happen while I was gone? Did Avi say or do something? You look so distant and upset.”
“No! God forbid. We sat together for a couple of hours talking about our lives. Everything is perfectly fine. His situation is quite sad and complex. It’s hard for me to not to empathize with him. In any other scenario, I would have followed him, sat at his side and hugged him. I would have kissed his tears and offered him the affection and warmth that he so desperately craves.
Michael is surprised. “Hang on, what do you mean? Did he share everything with you?”
“I have no idea what you mean by ‘everything’, but we spoke about his relationship with his father, mother and grandmother.”
“Are you serious? He opened up? To you?
“Yes. But why do you seem so shocked?”
“I’m sorry but I’m truly stunned right now. He doesn’t usually share these things with anyone, let alone someone he’s just met.” He furrows his brow.
Just met?! Those words that come out of his mouth with such ease it physically hurt me. As far as I’m concerned, Avi and I had known each other for longer than a brief moment. I wanted to be a significant part of his world, not simply because I pitied him, but rather because I yearned to love him, to ease and relieve his aching heart.
“Yes,” I conceal my real feelings. “He must have needed to unload, and I was there at the right time. You don’t need to emphasize how meaningless you feel I am!” I’m terribly sensitive at this moment and deeply offended, as if either of them owes me anything. I’m so angry with him and as I wipe away a tear of anger and pain, I defyingly push his hand off my shoulder and continue walking to his room. I intend to pack my things and simply go as far away as I can, first thing in the morning.
‘Why did I even come here?’ I scold myself, and then answer my own question: ‘because you’re stupid, dumb, gullible, so needy and lonely.’
He follows me. “Sam, I swear that I didn’t mean it to sound that way. I’m truly sorry that I offended you, and I’m very happy that you two got closer. Please forgive me.” I shut him out. “Everything’s alright, Michael. But we know how this is going to play out,” I mutter and keep wiping away the uncontrollable tears. Damn it, why am I so sensitive?
“I’ll pack my stuff now.”
He looks at me sadly, holds my hand and pulls me closer to him. He cradles my head, bringing it closer to his toned and broad chest. He takes a deep breath and kisses me.
“Sam, I’m leaving but I’ll be back very soon. I really don’t know why you’re being so dramatic. I’d like us to say goodbye fondly and anticipate the next time we meet.”
“I don’t know about that, Michael,” I muster courage and reply in a way that empowers me. “We’re from two completely different worlds, don’t you think?”
“I don’t understand you or what you mean. We’re both human, aren’t we?” He’s enraged. “We had two amazing days, but they were only two days in a lifetime. Take it slow, take a breath, why are you putting so much pressure on yourself? I’ll call you when I come back, and we’ll see each other as much as possible. I promise, I swear that you mean a lot to me, and I’d like to see where this relationship goes.”
“We’ll see, Michael. No point in making these statements right now. I have a complicated life. I don’t expect you to understand me. Frankly, I don’t think I can handle you travelling all the time and a long-distance relationship.”
“At least give me a fucking chance,” he insists. “It won’t be as hard as you think. Let’s give it a go and see what happens. I’m asking you to consider it, at the very least. Promise me.”
“Ugh, I promise!” I unwittingly repeat the words he’d said. “Okay, please let me continue packing my things.” I faintly smile at him and shut the door behind him. When he leaves, I quickly head to the bathroom and burst out in tears. I wish everything had been different! I wish Avi would have been the one I went to Greece with. Why is everything in my life so God damn complicated?
I had finally found a man who swept me away with his magnetic personality. And the fact that he’s so hot only tips the scales further. I wish he were mine; I hunger for him. ‘Please!’ I speak to my own reflection in the huge mirror in the bathroom. ‘I beg of you, pull yourself together.’ I’m so afraid of giving my heart and soul, only to be hurt again.
‘You mustn’t let your destructive tendencies win. Do you hear me? You signed your divorce papers only a few days ago, and just look at the situation you’re in, for heaven’s sake. You’ll destined to remain alone. After everything you’ve been through, you need to realize that you are not a part of this fairytale. Reality will always hit you in the face. Grow up, God damn it! Stop being so impulsive! You’re a single mother! Do you get that? You can’t let anyone affect you this way. You must be strong. You cannot give yourself so wholly ever again!’ I repeat to myself and then wash my face.
I brush my hair, leave behind the shirt Avi had given me, drenched in his intoxicating masculine scent, turn the lights off, and slip into the huge and luxurious bed. I lie down and close my eyes. My thoughts wander off to the colors and lights that had enthralled my soul when I dived with Michael. I wipe away another tear and turn to my right. I cover myself and shut my eyes, hoping for the fatigue to wash me over and save me from myself and my destructive urges. The incessant thoughts leave me restless. I can’t fall asleep. I sit straight up and turn around.
My bag is already packed and ready to go. It’s right there, waiting for me on the decadent bed cover. I delight in the touch of the exquisite satin against my bare skin. The satin shifts and changes with every movement my body makes. I’m energetic and disturbed with a certain restlessness, although my body is weary and exhausted.
