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She hugged herself, unsure if she had the strength right now to hear any more truths, but it was imperative to know why Samson disappeared from her life, so she forged ahead.
“After all we’d said to each other, why didn’t you give me a genuine reason for ignoring me like I didn’t exist? Why didn’t you try to explain at least once?”
“I couldn’t.”
“Couldn’t? As in, weren’t able?”
“As in, shit happened I couldn’t control, and instead of facing it and owning it—I ran.”
“You didn’t leave. You were at the club every day, brooding in the back corner and paying attention to everyone but me.”
Her words brought back all the hurt and pain in one crushing surge of adrenaline.
“The things I felt for you were dangerous, for you and me. I was all messed up and didn’t know how to deal with it at the time.”
“Because of being with me?”
“Yes and no. It was about guilt, me not being able to accept what I felt for you, and basically, denying that I even deserved something good in my life.”
Samson settled against the pillows, then lifted his eyes as if the answer was written on the ceiling. “It’s complicated.” He bit the inside of his lip like he was trying to put his words in order.
Samson played with the bedsheet, his eyes downcast. “Before Nick and I hooked up with Frank at the Oasis, I was hustling drugs, living rough with no real place to stay. The cook at this strip club would give me their leftovers, and some nights, I’d sack out in the storeroom in the back of the club.”
Lisbeth stayed quiet, fearing any response would spook him.
“You remember Yvette from the Oasis?”
“I remember hearing some crazy stories about her, but we never worked on the same days.” Yvette’s reputation preceded her, and the other girls had no trouble filling Lisbeth in on her bitchy attitude, which matched her intimidating figure.
“Yup, crazy about sums her up.” Samson blew out a long breath. “One night Yvette was having a cigarette between sets when these guys started hassling her. I stepped up and told the wiseass suits to leave her alone, and when they didn’t, I knocked the shit outta them. One of the bouncers liked how I handled myself and introduced me to his boss, Frank Barnett.”
“And is that how you met Nick?”
“A few months later.”
“Anyway, Yvette showed me her appreciation that night, and I moved in with her the next day. We were so fuckin’ young, but for the first time in a long while, I had a warm place to stay, regular meals, and somebody who seemed to care about me.”
Lisbeth blinked furiously, attempting to hold back her tears.
“Frank brought in Nick, and he and I became fast friends, pulling off small-time hustles, smash and grabs, anything to make a buck. Meanwhile, Yvette was slipping deeper and deeper into coke, meth, whatever she could get her hands on, and I wasn’t far behind her.”
“It’s amazing you’re still alive.”
“There was a time when I didn’t think I’d make thirty.”
As irresponsible as her father was, at least she’d had a bed to sleep in and food on the table when she was young.
“We were partying all the time and doin’ crazy shit, but with Yvette, it was different. She was wild.” Samson shrugged. “She didn’t do one line of coke. She did five. She didn’t take a few pills. She took a handful. I’d come home and find her in bed with other guys. We’d fight.”
“You were both so young.”
“Young in years, but old in life. By fourteen, I could lift a wallet and hot-wire a car. Yvette probably started using her body around the same age too.”
Lisbeth pictured a younger version of Samson for the first time, realizing how his fear of commitment came from a much deeper place than indifference.
“When Frank put me and Nick in the Oasis, it all started to unravel. Yvette became unreliable, coming in too high to perform, late, or not at all. Frank couldn’t afford to have someone so deep in that shit working at the club, so he told me to get her under control.”
Samson covered her hand with his. “Then, one night at the Oasis, this shy redhead walks in, looking like a lost puppy dog, wanting a job as a bartender. I knew she never worked a bar, and I also knew she never worked in a place like the Oasis, but I could tell she was hungry and eager to work.”
