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“After that, my life became a living hell,” Eloise said. “My mother called my father home from wherever he was— at the golf club, I think. And he spent the next several hours screaming at me. Afterward, he called Herb’s parents and your grandparents and asked them to come over. There, in my living room, my father talked to my boyfriend’s parents about my body as though it was a separate entity from me. It was bizarre to feel that although the baby in my womb was mine, something that was growing within me, nobody thought to ask my opinion on anything. All the while, Herb sat there, staring at his shoes, in complete shock. I suppose we both were in shock.”
“How did my grandparents act?” Harriet asked softly.
“They weren’t pleased,” Eloise remembered. “I think everyone’s first reaction was just,‘What will people think?’You know, Nantucket can be like that— overly obsessed about image. I know this firsthand.”
“It can still be like that,” Harriet affirmed. “No matter how often I try to combat it, I still find myself sucked up in the social vortex sometimes.”
Eloise grimaced. “Together with Herb’s parents, my parents decided that the baby, our baby— you, Harriet, would be given up for adoption immediately after the birth. I had absolutely no say in anything. I asked if I could help pick out the parents who would raise my baby, but my father refused.”
“But this was still so early in your pregnancy,” Harriet whispered.
“Four months,” Eloise said. “Which meant I had five more months to be ridiculed by my father and my peers as I grew bigger and bigger. Day after day, I fell into a depression that seemed to grow deeper and deeper. Of course, back then, we didn’t have the language for such a diagnosis. Everyone just saw me as the ‘problem teenager,’ the girl who’d made a ‘big mistake.’ And that was that.”
Harriet stopped on the sand and traced her big toe through it thoughtfully, her eyebrows threading together. “It’s so silly what adults blame children for. You were sixteen years old. I didn’t know anything when I was sixteen.”
Eloise’s heart opened up at the forgiveness in her daughter’s voice.
“What was Dad doing during that time?” Harriet finally managed to ask, her voice very small.
“I wasn’t allowed to see Herb very often,” Eloise answered. “My father was making arrangements for me to leave the island to live with my Great Aunt Maude, and he said it was best that I cut all contact. Because Herb and I were at school together, we managed to sneak off sometimes to talk— but we were both so frightened about what had happened and what my father planned to do that our conversations were never the same. The magic had gone.”
“That makes sense.”
“I took the entire month before your birth off from school,” Eloise continued. “I hid in my bedroom, reading and writing in a journal. I couldn’t believe that my life had come to this. I knew that I was going to miss Nantucket so much, and I didn’t even dare go outside to see it a final time before I had to leave, as I felt it would hurt too badly.”
Eloise paused as tears streamed down her cheeks. “I’m sorry. I hope this story isn’t too painful to hear. I’ve never told it to anyone, and I don’t know if I’m saying everything correctly.”
Harriet locked eyes with Eloise. “You’ve never told anyone?”
Eloise shook her head.
“Not a therapist? Not your husband?”
Eloise shook her head again. “I was so ashamed of myself. My father infected my head and made me so, so sure that what I’d done was wrong. By the time I went into labor, I felt so outside of my body and so depressed that I felt like I had witnessed the entire birth from above. Of course, the pain was excruciating, but I felt that I deserved that, too.”
Harriet’s eyes glinted. It was probably traumatic to learn the true horrors she’d come from.
“After you were born, I was left in a room by myself to sleep. Nobody came to see me for many hours. Finally, my mother came, and she told me that my baby had been given up for adoption, that it was over. I cried for so long, but I knew there was nothing I could do. I was just a kid, up against forces I didn’t understand.”
“When did they send you to your Great Aunt Maude’s?”
“Just a week later,” Eloise said. “I wasn’t even recovered from the birth, and already, I found myself in a new classroom in a new part of the country, battered and bruised and missing Herb desperately. I wasn’t allowed to do anything after school except return to Aunt Maude’s, where I had numerous chores to finish every single day. Often, I had dreams about my baby— about you, and decided to make up a story that you were with two wonderful parents who loved you and wanted the best for you. In my mind, your parents wouldn’t have ever sent you away for making a mistake like mine had.”
Harriet’s eyes glinted with tears. “And you were right. My father never would have sent me away.”
Eloise closed her eyes. “I can’t believe you were here all this time. I could have stayed here and helped raise you. I could have been by Herb’s side through all of this.”
Harriet reached for Eloise’s hand. “It sounds like you didn’t have a choice. Like you said, your father did everything he could to get you away from here immediately after my birth.”
“It sounds like your father had to fight my father to make sure you weren’t adopted,” Eloise breathed. “I imagine his parents had a big say in that, too.” She lifted her eyes to Harriet’s, then added, “I imagine they took one look at you and immediately fell in love with you. How couldn’t they? And doesn’t it speak to the evils of my family that they took one look at you and wanted to send you away as quickly as they could?”
Harriet’s chin quivered with sorrow. “I’m so sorry this happened to you.”
Eloise shook her head. “I’m so sorry I wasn’t there.”
For a long time, they held one another’s gaze, both overwhelmed with the immensity of this moment. Eloise brushed the tears from her cheek and tried to laugh, remembering, “I stole the conversation out from under you. If I remember correctly, I’d just asked you to tell me everything about your life! Not the other way around.”
Harriet shook her head. “I’ve been wanting to ask you those questions my entire life.”
