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“Zayde.” There was silence for a long moment while she stared down at her hands, twisting her fingers together. I focused on the chipped red nail varnish on her index finger, trying to get myself under control.
Eventually, she raised her head and gave me a look that I didn’t think she’d ever given me before. There was guilt and maybe even a little bit of sadness, but it didn’t matter what her eyes said because her mouth was set in that stubborn line that meant she’d made her mind up. “It’ll be better for you this way. You’ll have opportunities that you’d never get here. Your dad…he’s a successful businessman, and he’ll do what’s best for you.” Patting my leg quickly, she tried for a smile. “Go and pack now. I expect you’ll want to say goodbye to your friends, too.”
In my bedroom, I stood still, that fucking lump in my throat refusing to go away. I didn’t want to leave, but my mum didn’t want me to stay. I was going to lose everything I knew, and I didn’t give a shit who my dad was. I just wanted things to stay the same.
Everything inside me hurt, and I needed it to stop.
Throwing myself onto my bed, I balanced my left arm on my thighs, then placed my index finger to the skin above my wrist and dug my nail in. I scraped at my skin until it began to bleed, but it wasn’t enough.
My gaze blurred as I dug my nail in harder, the blood welling around my finger in tiny bubbles. I sucked in a breath, focusing only on my skin and the superficial pain, and suddenly, everything inside stopped hurting.
Just like that, I could breathe again.
My hand fell away, and I used my T-shirt to soak up the small amount of blood. It would scab over, but I’d just wear long sleeves like I normally did when I did this to myself. When the bleeding had stopped, I grabbed my phone from the drawer next to my desk, the screen cracked where I’d dropped it, and sent a message to Fallon.
Me:Bad bad news. I’m moving away
Fallon:Moving away? WHAT?
Me:Mum dropped a bombshell on me just now. Said my dad’s alive and wants me to live with him
Fallon:WHAT!!! Wow. I wasn’t expecting that. Are you okay?
I pictured her sitting there on her pink bed, frowning at her phone and biting her lip. If only I could see her to say goodbye. This whole situation fucking sucked.
Me:I don’t want to go. How will I see you?
Fallon:Where are you moving to? Is it far? I don’t want you to go either. I’ll miss you too much
Something warm curled low in my belly.
Me:I don’t know yet. Mum said he was one of her clients so I guess he can’t live too far away
Fallon:Find out. You’re my best friend Zayde. Even if we can’t see each other anymore we can phone and text. I won’t let you go
Falling back on my bed, I forced myself to breathe in and out slowly until my heart rate calmed down. She was right. My mum might be making me do this, but I wasn’t going to lose my best friend over this.
Me:You’re right. I’ve got to pack now but I’ll text you again
Fallon:I’m always right ;) It’s going to be ok I promise xx
FIVE
The house was empty, an echoing mausoleum with what remained of the furniture covered in dust sheets. I stared around me, horrified. I’d thought…I didn’t know what I’d expected, but it wasn’t this. My father was gone, locked up where he couldn’t hurt me anymore, and maybe I’d been naive—maybe my therapy had made me too optimistic, if that was possible—but I’d convinced myself that being back here was what I needed to finally be able to move on with my life.
Joseph didn’t even live here anymore. He’d left town, but he’d come back for me, or so he said. I wasn’t quite convinced, but I appreciated his presence. I had to face the ghosts of my past, but I wasn’t sure I was ready to do it alone.
“Where’s Mum? What happened to all the furniture?”
Joseph shook his head, looking as gobsmacked as I felt. “I had no idea. She said…she told me she was having a clear-out after Dad’s trial. This is…” He trailed off, shaking his head. “Come on.”
We passed rooms that all told the same story until we reached the kitchen. I stopped dead in the doorway, taking in the scene in front of me with dawning horror. Empty bottles littered the countertops, wine glasses with lipstick stains were crowded around the sink, and at the centre of it all, my mother.
She had a brightly patterned silk dressing gown wrapped around her, a cigarette dangling from her lips, and a half-full glass of red wine clasped in her hand. When she saw me and Joseph, she smiled.
“Joe! How lovely of you to pay a visit. And you…” She turned to me, her smile disappearing. “You. What are you doing here? You think you can stay away all this time and just waltz back in like nothing’s changed?”
Her words were slurred, but the fact that she was clearly drunk in the middle of the day didn’t soften the blow. A lump came into my throat, despite the fact that I’d prepared myself for this, as much as I could. I hadn’t expected her to be happy to see me, but I thought that maybe… It didn’t matter what I’d thought. I had to keep on moving on, and do what I’d set out here to do.
