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He gave me a hard look as we entered the kitchen, letting me know he wouldn’t compromise, and I didn’t mind that because after everything Joe had done, I knew I’d feel safer with him close by.
“Is there another option for sleeping arrangements?” I asked softly, moving closer to him as the others began filing into the room, taking seats around the large kitchen table.
There was an almost imperceptible hitch in his breathing, but he didn’t reply. As I slid into one of the free seats, my phone chimed.
I glanced down at the screen, hiding my phone beneath the table.
There was a single text from the same number as earlier. I quickly saved it to my contacts, making his name appear on the message.
Zayde:There could be another option. Your decision, angel
TWENTY
Zayde paused just inside his bedroom door, giving me time to look my fill. The room was lit by a single lamp, but the glow was enough for me to see that it was minimally decorated, mostly in black, with the odd grey accent to break it up. And quite a few skulls… In fact…I took in the black flocked wallpaper. The ebony flock pattern was actually made up of skulls.
It was all very Zayde. The only decoration on the walls was a framed picture over the head of the bed. It was a simple image. Lines of words in plain black text, with a sketch of a pair of angel wings underneath, identical to the tattoo that Zayde had across his shoulders. A lump came into my throat as I stepped closer to study it.
The words above the wings were from Sonnet XVII by Pablo Neruda. And as for the sketch itself…
“Is that…?”
“Yeah. It’s the original sketch I did. The same one I based your necklace on.”
Guilt arrowed through me again, remembering how callously I’d discarded the precious things he’d given me. How could I have been so cruel?
I took a deep breath. “Zayde? I want to sleep in here tonight.”
He inclined his head. “Okay, yeah. Granville—Jamesis already in the guest room. I’ll grab my shit, and then I’ll get out of your way.”
Very deliberately, I crossed the room, stopping close to where he was standing, and I shut the door. “What was the other option for sleeping arrangements?”
His eyes darkened, his gaze raking over me. “Are you sure you want to go down that path? I need you to be sure.”
Lifting my hand, I placed it over his heart. The firm muscle of his pec flexed, and I could feel his steady heartbeat under my palm. James’ and Hailey’s words and my own uncertain recollection spun through my mind, and it only took me a second to decide. “All I know is I’m finished with denying you. I want you, Zayde.”I think I still love you. “Ever since I saw you again, I’ve felt like I’m being torn in two.”
He exhaled harshly and pressed into me, walking us towards the bed. When the backs of my knees hit the mattress, I threw out my hands, curling them into the duvet so I could keep my balance. His hands came down on either side of mine, making the mattress dip under his weight, and he lowered his head so his face was level with mine.
“Do you still blame me? Do you think you might be able to forgive me for not being able to save your brother?”
I took a deep breath, all too aware of how shaky it came out. “I…I don’t…I can’t answer that yet. But please…give me time.”
His head dipped even lower, his nose brushing against mine. “If you can’t answer that, then what do you want from me?”
I brought one of my hands up to curl around his nape, inhaling his addictive scent of leather, motorbikes, and something that was uniquely him. “I want you to touch me, Zayde. But I need it to hurt.”
A choked sound came from his throat. “What?”
Oh, fuck.No. Why had I let those words come out? I’d unthinkingly said them because there was a huge part of me that felt guilty, like I shouldn’t take any pleasure from anything or anyone that might have caused my brother pain. That I should hurt in his stead. But the second I’d said them, I wished more than anything that I could take them back. As much as my head was conflicted with the fact that I was here with the love of my life, who may or may not have caused my brother’s death—
No. Regardless of what had happened before or since, it was now starting to become clear to me that my viewpoint had been skewed. I’d been blaming Zayde for such a long time, but itwasn’this fault, was it? My mind had been in such a dark place for so long, holding on to the pain and anger because the thought of reliving that night again, of facing up to it—it had been utterly unbearable. But now, after everything that had happened since I’d come back to Alstone, I was starting to realise that it had been an accident. A horrible, horrible accident, and although thinking about the night I’d lost my brother was almost too much to bear, I thought that maybe I might be beginning to come to terms with that.
And I knew Zayde’s coping mechanisms. I couldneverask him to punish me for being with him.
“I didn’t mean that,” I breathed. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Please forget I said anything. We don’t have to make it hurt. I don’t want you to make it hurt, ever. I just…I want you.” My eyes met his, and I let him see everything that I was feeling. “Zayde. I want you. However I can have you.”
After studying me for a long, long time, he dipped his head. His lips trailed a line of fire up the side of my throat, soft kisses that burned my skin all the way to my ear. I could feel his mouth searing the words into my flesh as he spoke, so low and resolute. “This isn’t a good idea. We have so much between us to deal with. But fuck, I want you, too. I’ve wanted you for so fucking long.” Skimming his lips over mine, he whispered hoarsely, “If you’re sure you want this, I can hurt enough for the both of us.”
A tear slipped down my cheek. “Okay.”
