AllFreeNovel
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I started to move around to stand in front of him, but he caught me around the waist and twisted so his cheek was pressed against my stomach. Immediately, my fingers carded through his freshly groomed hair, messing it all up again.
“A bunch of other shit happened when I was in Sweden. Bad shit. Shit that put him in danger again.”
“I remember,” I whispered, not knowing what it was that happened but remembering the night we’d been awakened by the ringing phone. The night he punched a wall in grief. He’d left Sweden then, coming back home for a few weeks before returning for finals. I’d missed him then, but I’d known he was coming back.
It had been nothing at all compared to when he left the second time. The time I knew he wouldn’t be coming back.
“Max’s dad used to beat him.”
I sucked in a breath, those words in particular slamming into me harder than the rest.
“I used to pray at night when we were kids that he would be at school the next day. That his dad wouldn’t kill him.”
I stroked his hair, shuffling just a little closer. “Shh, Win. You don’t need to tell me this.”
His grip tightened around my waist, his muscular arms making me feel swallowed. “Yes, I do,” he whispered, his breath hot against the fabric of my shirt.
“It’s okay,” I told him.
“No, it’s not okay. It’s not okay because you think you aren’t enough. Because I made you feel like that.”
“You didn’t—”
Releasing me, he burst up to pace across the room. I watched his back ripple beneath his shirt, noticed the strong stride in his frustrated step. “I did. I’ve been a dick to you.”
“Good thing I like dick.”
He laughed, the sound making me realize I’d been holding my breath.
“I want you to know this isn’t about you, Lars. It’s not because there’s something wrong with you. Or because you aren’t enough.”
“Then…”
“It’s me. I’m the one who’s got something wrong with them. And you? You’re so much.”
I frowned. “So you want less.”
He groaned. “I don’t want anything at all.”
I was silent, trying to digest that. Okay, no, trying not to die from it.
Win made a sound. “Ican’twant anything. My parents died, and when they left, there was this gaping, empty hole where they’d been. I didn’t know how to do it. How to survive. I did because of Wes. Because of Max. But then Wes almost died. More than once. Loss is suffocating, Lars. It’s being suffocated by people who aren’t even there. One minute, they’re here and your heart is full, and the next? All you have left is photographs and memories that time will eventually fade. I came to Sweden for a little bit of freedom. For a break. I didn’t want to worry. I didn’t wonder every single day who I might lose next. I only had myself to look out for.”
I stood frozen, immobilized, and stricken with his truth. This was what his sunshine hid? This was what his darkest parts contained.
Oh, Win.
“But there you were all grumpy and adorable in the airport. Pretending like you didn’t speak English, your hair like a fucking siren to my hands. You almost died.” His voice cracked. “You fucking made me like you, and then you almostdied.”
I tried to swallow. My throat wouldn’t work. The amount of pain he hid inside him was more than I could bear.
“Win.” I started forward, wanting to pull him into my arms.
He skittered back, holding out his hand to ward me off as he shook his head. “No. You can’t.”
I stopped, heart leaping into my throat, desperately trying to find a way to him. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about my allergy. I’m sorry. I wish you didn’t have to see that.”
He shook his head. Shook away my words. “I can’t do it, Lars,” he echoed, the same thing he’d said just downstairs. “Not again. I can’t lose anyone. It hurts too much. I can’t risk what’s left of my heart.”
