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“Why are you telling me this?” I asked, feeling like I was bleeding from a thousand cuts.
“Because I can’t keep my hands off you. Because I hurt you. Because I can’t stand the thought of you thinking you aren’t enough. You are. You’resomuch. If I could love someone, it would be you. But I can’t. I won’t. You aren’t even mine, and I’m already terrified of losing you. It’s why I left and didn’t look back. Why this”—he gestured between us and then the bed—“can’t ever happen again. Loving you is a risk I just can’t take because losing you would absolutely destroy me.”
He sagged as though the words drained him, leaving behind a glimpse of the broken man he promised to be if he had to endure another loss.
And here I stood. The man who was usually never enough was suddenly too much. Never quite right for anyone, not even himself.
“I understand,” I said, the words scraping my throat like gravel. “It’s too late to transfer back,” I explained, staring at my feet. “But I’ll stay away, okay? I won’t make things harder for you.”
I started toward the door, and I felt his stare the entire way.
At the door, I paused, dragging in the deepest breath I could hold, letting it ache until I squirmed. I didn’t care how much it hurt, though, because this was it. These currents in this room, the sparking tension, thewhat could have beenfeelings filling this space would be all I would get.
When I walked out of the room, strangely, I didn’t want to be less. And though he couldn’t love me, it didn’t stop me from loving him.
15
Win
He kept his word.
Lars walked out of my room that day and didn’t look back. He didn’t come to the house with Wes. Every morning this week at the pool, he stayed on the opposite side. When I walked into the locker room, he exited. He was never at Shirley’s when I went to eat with the bros.
Sometimes I saw him on campus. We had the same major, so of course I would. If he saw me, he’d duck into a building. Once, he even turned and went the opposite way.
I hated it. Abhorrently hated his calm acceptance of what I asked for.
There was no attitude, resentment, or even spite. He didn’t scowl, roll his eyes, or huff in ire when he changed directions to avoid me. He wasn’t hostile at Elite practices, didn’t make snide comments. Hell, he didn’t make any comments at all. If this entire week was any indication, Lars would soon be just someone I used to know.
It infuriated me. He acted like it was easy. Like ignoring me took no effort at all.
Maybe he really didn’t come here for me.
He consumed my thoughts. Something his absence was supposed to stop but instead increased.
It was hard to look at him and not want to touch him. To stop myself every single time I wanted to look in his direction.
Was he eating okay? Was it hard to find safe food? Did he know the best places to feed his coffee addiction? Was he adjusting okay to Westbrook? Was he having a hard time with his classes? And what about his roommate?
I still didn’t know who it was. Who slept just feet away from him every night? Was that guy entranced by his angel looks and swimmer’s body? Was Lars distant and grumpy to him? Was that asshole trying to charm himself into Lars’s bed?
Or maybe he was a homophobe and was giving Lars a hard time. Maybe Lars wasn’t sleeping well because he was afraid to close his eyes…
“Ow!” Ryan snapped, jerking his shoulder out from under my hands. “You’re supposed to be helping me, bro, not making it worse.”
I winced, muttering a curse under my breath. “Shit. Sorry, Ryan.”
Ryan rolled his shoulder. “It’s all good,” he allowed. “What’s up with you?”
“It’s like ass-thirty in the morning,” I cracked. “I was falling asleep standing up!” I punctuated my declaration with a wide yawn and then a smile.
Shaking his head, Ryan laughed. “Still aren’t used to the early mornings?”
“I will never be used to them,” I deadpanned.
“Give it another week or two,” Ryan mused. “You’ll adjust.”
At that moment, Lars popped up from the water, both hands slapping on the edge of the pool. I watched him pull up his upper body so he could lean into one of the guys crouching with a stopwatch in his hand. He said something that made Lars smile, and then the two high-fived before Lars slid back into the water.
