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“Couldn’t eat right now if I wanted to,” I tell her, my inability to eat much a side effect of the amount we were given at the compound.
She watches me drink, chewing her lip the entire time.
“You made me swear last night that I’d tell you the truth. I think as a courtesy, you should do the same.” I set the cup of coffee down on the small kitchenette counter. “You look like you have something to say.”
“Are you going to hate me?”
I tilt my head, but I don’t answer immediately.
“Are you going to blame me for what happened to you?”
Tears I thought were long dried up burn the backs of my eyes once again.
I can’t count how many times I wished I didn’t have a sister at all. It’s not that I wanted her gone. I just wished they didn’t have anyone to hold over my head. There were so many times that I wanted to give up but couldn’t because of what it would mean for Alani. I hated that I had to be strong for someone else, when there were days I would’ve rather been dead. I also never imagined I’d be free of Cortez, and despite the threat he still poses, we’re both safe right now. Our current reality always seemed like a fantasy, something I could dream about for decades that would never come to pass.
“I don’t hate you,” I tell her without going into detail.
Neither one of us can help nor change the roles we were given.
“What happens now?”
I shake my head. “I don’t know. I lost everything, my job, the apartment, all my belongings.”
“Any idea how much money you have in the bank?”
I shake my head. “One of the Cerberus people said that Cortez was depositing money into my account, but I don’t feel right taking it.”
“You’re joking right? Don’t you feel like you’re owed something?”
I have to look away from her, hoping she never feels the way I do. How can I tell her that accepting his money also feels like I’m accepting that I’m okay with what I did? That it makes me feel like almost anyone who hates their job does when they cash their checks.
But I also know that it would be ignorant, and nothing more than stupid pride, to just walk away from it. I have literally nothing and turning down money would be dumb.
“I don’t have ID,” I remind her.
Alani walks across the room, unzipping her purse. “I have ID and a bank card. You said to only use it for emergencies, and I’d consider this an emergency.”
I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted from my shoulders. I completely forgot that I added her to the account after we closed our parents’ after their deaths.
“There’s a branch only a few miles down the highway,” she says.
She walks back to me and hands over the debit card. It feels like a peace offering, and it makes me wonder if she’s mad at me for doing what I did to protect her. I’d no more blame her for what happened than I blame Nash for his part in it. She hasn’t just come right out and reminded me that she never asked me to do all of it for her, but I’m pretty certain I’ve seen it in her eyes more than once.
“I understand too, if you need to pull money from my tuition fund to get back on your feet.”
I stand in front of my little sister, feeling very similar to the way I felt when she asked if she was going to be taken from me when our parents died.
I clasp both sides of her face, forcing her to look at me.
“I’ll make it work, Alani. You’re not getting out of college that easily.”
She gives me a weak smile that doesn’t reach her eyes, taking a step back and making it clear she doesn’t want to be touched.
I know deep inside that our relationship will never be the same. She was never thrilled when I gave her directions as a teen, and that didn’t suddenly change when our parents died and I became responsible for her.
This will be no different. Only our relationship is now tainted with what she saw on that tape and the details she insisted I give her last night while explaining what happened.
“I’m going to get changed and then we can head to the bank,” she says, making a hasty exit from the living area of the suite Cerberus provided us.
It takes thirty minutes before I see her again, and she looks no more accepting of the information she now has than she did before. I want to ask her about Donavan, but she’s turned every question back on me.
I don’t know how many times I’ve heard we’re not talking about me right now.
