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“Do you want to sit down?” She points at the table, which is a smaller antique deal that’s been refinished with baby blue paint. The chairs, when I pull one out, have been reupholstered with pineapple fabric.
I slide in and sit and set my hands on the tabletop. Then I wait and rehearse what I want to say—no, what I need to say.
How can I do this to Cass? If I’m not able to do the whole normal life thing, it would mean she has to do my life. She has parents, a normal family, a sister, Ayana, Ransom, Maya, and a few other friends. She has people who love her, even if she sometimes doubts that. I can’t bring myself to just rip her away from that and keep uprooting her over and over again. God, if she wants a family, how could I give her that? What does that mean for us? What does it mean for me if I stay? If I stay and try to do the regular life deal?
These are hard questions I never thought I’d have to answer because I didn’t see Cass coming, even though she has already been in my life for a year. I need that shot of whisky now. I need to breathe.
“Lennox?” Cass cups my face just like I cupped hers earlier. “Are you okay?”
She bends over me, and the sweet scent of her perfume tickles my nose. That sweet apricot scent, her touch warm and full of life, her fingers so freaking soft. She grounds me in a way I’ve never felt before.
In a way that not even Granny or my brothers have ever managed.
I clasp her palms and hold on while I nod, my face and her hands moving together. “I’m going to be fine.” I wish I could mean that fully. Cass studies my face, and I know what she sees, and I know what she knows. She knows I’m full of shit.
She frowns hard. “You’re thinking about bailing, aren’t you? You’re thinking it would be better for me because now I understand why you have to. You’re thinking I couldn’t do it and that I couldn’t possibly understand why you do what you do. Or anything about what your granny said back there. You think I couldn’t…that I need normal, that I….” She blinks rapidly, and shit, I think she’s trying to hold back tears. “Something’s wrong. If you’re worried about me, don’t be. I’m good. I’m sorry I fainted and scared everyone. It was silly and crazy, and I don’t even know why it happened. And now, something feels different. You’re quiet, too quiet. Please tell me what you’re thinking. Please tell me I’m wrong.”
I’m saved by a bowl of peaches on the kitchen counter. “Peaches. Specifically, the fact that they go from rock hard to mushy and wrinkly in an hour, then moldy the next minute when it’s this hot out. Accelerated molding.”
Cass thrusts her hands on her hips and gives me a better stink eye than my granny has ever given. I swear that me just talking about peaches and the look on her face, the sheer and utter ease with which she can read straight down to my soul, is going to haunt me for the rest of my life. Also, peaches. They make me think about Cass’ peach, and it makes me hard as stone.
Her nose starts to crinkle as her frown deepens. She knows I’m not telling the truth. Do I want to tell her the truth when she’s so close? Close enough that I could wrap my hands around her curvy waist, pull her into me, and kiss the living tarnation out of her.
The ugly doubts I have aren’t just going to go away, but I could bury them and myself in Cass, and wait…what was I saying? Something about her family? Something about her not being ready for this and me being a selfish bastard and anything but normal? Yeah, it was definitely something like that, but right now, I’m focused on something entirely different.
I push back the chair and stand. Cass stares me down, but it’s no longer a nose-crinkled stare, which is honestly too bad because I would have liked to kiss away those frown lines. She’s just staring at me with those huge blue eyes, her lush lips pursed, her hands still on her hips, and her chest jutting out just a little.
Doubts? What doubts?
I’ve got nothing here.
Cass is a good expression reader, and I’m not even trying to mask anything I’m feeling at the moment. Her eyes light up, and she looks so visibly relieved that I feel like a shithead all over again. A shithead 2.0. I came here to end things with Cass, but I can’t do it. She’s the light in my world. She’s truly one in a million. No, that’s wrong. She’s one in the whole world. That’s Cass. I know if I were a good man, I’d do the right thing and walk out of her life right now. Honestly, I might do some solids for the general good of the world and its population now and then because I believe in what Granny does, but I would never classify myself as a truly good person. Certainly not selfless. I know caring about someone is wanting what’s best for them, but right now, it’s easy enough for me to tell myself that’s me and make myself believe it.
