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The following day, I had a few hours to go before I’d reluctantly return to New York. Since Lala had agreed that I could tell my parents, I’d visited them this morning and explained that not only was I in love with Lala Ellison, but we were having a baby. My mother had nearly fainted, while my dad just kept laughing in disbelief. Despite having funny ways of showing it, both of my folks were overjoyed—especially since I was an only child.
I’d already planned to drive back to Philly the following weekend to see Lala again. But I needed to make one important stop during this trip before I left Pennsylvania. It simply couldn’t wait. And I needed to go alone.
It was cloudy when I showed up to the cemetery. Whenever I was home for any length of time, I stopped to visit Ryan’s grave. But this time was perhaps the most important visit of all.
Kneeling down, I laid an ice cream cone in front of his gravestone. Most people brought flowers when they came to a cemetery, but I always brought Ryan his favorite cookies and cream from Mickey’s.
Taking a deep breath in, I looked up at the sky. “I’m just gonna come out with it.” I returned my gaze to the headstone and exhaled. “I knocked up your baby sister, Ry.”
I paused for the harsh reaction I imagined he was exhibiting up in heaven—some expletives thrown my way and perhaps a “How the fuck could you do that to me?”
“Did you ever dream you’d hear me say that?” I continued. “Or maybe you did dream it, and it was your biggest nightmare.” I shook my head. “Either way, I never imagined I’d have to admit this to you.”
Then I remembered my conversation with Lala’s mom. Maybe I was blowing Ryan’s imagined reaction out of proportion.
“I want to believe what your mother told me you said to her, that you would’ve approved of this on the condition that I’d changed. But it’s hard to know whether you’d think I’ve changed enough.”
I picked at some grass. “I’m here to tell you I believe I have. I’m not sure anyone but Lala could’ve made me want to change, Ryan. But love does that, I guess. The time was never right all those years ago when you noticed how I used to look at her. I wasn’t the right man for her then.”
A plane flew overhead.
“The thing is…I don’t know that I’ll ever be the man she deserves. But I do know I’ll love her and our baby more than I’ve ever loved anything. I need you to know that. And I need you to trust me. I’ve got her, brother. I do. I won’t let you down.” I chuckled. “Oh! And if for some reason you had anything to do with that nerd Warren getting that job out in California, thank you.”
I’d promised myself I wouldn’t cry, but my eyes watered when I thought about how unfair life was. “It should’ve been you, Ryan. You’re the one out of all of us who always knew you wanted a family someday. It kills me every day to think about you not getting to experience that. I owe it to you to not fuck this up because you never got the chance to be a dad. My kid is your niece or nephew, which is pretty damn cool, if you ask me. And if it looks like Lala, that means it will have your face, too.” I shook my head. “Okay, that’s fucking weird that I only now realized I’m in love with someone who looks like you. Don’t overanalyze that one, okay?”
I wiped my eyes. “Anyway, I hope you don’t hate me. I mean, let’s face it, if you’re able to see everything that happens down here, I’ve been on the chopping block for a while now.”
Patting the gravestone, I said, “I love you, man. I always will. And my kid will always know what an amazing guy their uncle is. I can’t wait to tell them all of the stories of our childhood. I promise not to make it all about what we lost—but about what we had when you were here. Because, Ryan, you were so much more than your sickness. And I will make damn sure that’s not what you’re remembered for. You were the tie that bound all of us guys. And any one of us would’ve traded places with you, if it meant keeping you here. We love you so much.”
Now my tears were falling again. Damn, it was good I came alone. I stood. “Anyway, take care, my guy. I’ll be back soon. I promise.”
As I walked to my car, a burst of wind knocked the Eagles cap I’d been wearing right off my head. It blew so far away that I would’ve had to sprint to catch it. Instead, I smiled and chose to let it go. That had been Ryan’s favorite cap. He’d always tried to steal it from me.
