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“I’ve been playing the drums for an hour. What were you doing?”
“Drinking with Billie.”
“Seems like you drank hers and yours.”
I smiled. “Maybe. But I needed it.”
“Bad day?”
“Warren called and told me he was going to be loyal to me. Then he asked me if there was someone else.”
Holden froze two steps into the bedroom. “What did you tell him?”
“I told him there wasn’t.”
He set me down on my feet. Too tipsy to notice that the mood in the room had changed, I kept going in horny Lala land. Dropping to my knees, I reached for the waistband of Holden’s sweats. But he caught my hand and moved it away.
“What are you doing?” I said, still oblivious and flirting. “I want you in my mouth.”
Holden put his hands under my armpits and hoisted me back up. “You’re too drunk.”
“But you just said—”
“I’m going to go get you Motrin and water.”
Before I could argue, he was halfway down the hall on his way to the kitchen. I was too drunk to fully understand that I’d upset him. After a few minutes, I realized I was also too drunk to remain upright. So I sat down on the edge of the bed and let myself fall back. A few more minutes went by, and he still hadn’t come back, so I yawned and shut my eyes. And that was the last thing I remembered happening when I woke up at six thirty the next morning.
Propping myself up on my elbows, I was momentarily confused about where I was. Holden’s apartment and mine looked a lot alike. But the big pile of drums in the corner of the bedroom helped me figure it out. Though Holden wasn’t in the bed next to me. I rubbed sleep from my eyes and went in search of him.
“Hey.”
I found him sitting in the dark at the kitchen table, drinking a cup of coffee. Wrapping my arms around him from behind, I kissed his neck. “What are you doing out here?”
“Thinking.”
“About what?”
He turned and caught my eyes. “Why you didn’t tell Warren you were with someone else.”
Oh shit. A needle on a record scratched to a halt. Last night was a bit fuzzy, but I must’ve shared the conversation Warren and I had on the phone.
I sighed and sat down in the seat across from Holden. “I didn’t tell him because I didn’t want to hurt him. I just ended our engagement a few days ago, and everything happened so fast between us.”
He nodded, staring down at his coffee mug. “So you’d rather hurt me than him…”
“No, no, it’s not like that, Holden. Really it’s not. It’s just… He caught me off guard with that question, and I didn’t have time to think things through. He’d sounded upset when he called, and I don’t like to hurt people, especially ones who have always been kind to me. I absolutely wasn’t thinking that the answer I gave to avoid upsetting him would hurt you. I don’t want to hurt either of you.”
Holden lifted his eyes to meet mine. “Is that all he wanted? To know if you were seeing anyone else?”
I shook my head. “He wanted to know how long I needed. I guess when I ended things, I told him I needed time for myself.”
He frowned. “So things between you two aren’t over for good? They’re just…what? On hold? You’re on a break of some kind? And I’m just the fuckboy you needed to get out of your system before you married the good guy?”
“No, Holden. It’s not like that.”
“Tell me what it is like, then. What am I to you?”
“I care about you. You know that. I’ve had a crush on you as far back as I can remember.”
“Are you still in love with Warren?”
All of these questions made my head feel like it might explode. I’d broken things off with Warren and jumped into bed with Holden and not taken the time to figure out what I was doing. Yet I didn’t want to lie. That would only make things more complicated.
“I don’t know what my feelings are, Holden. I have a lot to sort out.”
He pushed back from the table, the legs of his chair scraping along the tile, and stood. “It seems like the only thing you do know is that you want to fuck me.” He thumbed toward the hall that led to his bedroom. “Should I go jerk off so I’m ready for you when you’re in the mood?”
“Holden…”
He dragged a hand through his hair. “On second thought, I’m going to go shower. The lady in 408 needs her pipes snaked. It seems that’s all I’m good for these days.”
***
Later that night, I was still feeling down when I climbed out onto the fire escape with a glass of wine. I hadn’t heard from Holden all day, and I couldn’t say I blamed him for being upset. No one likes to feel like they aren’t important enough to mention. Over the course of the day today, I’d thought a lot about why I’d lied to Warren. And it had nothing to do with Holden. I was embarrassed about my own actions, how I couldn’t wait twenty-four hours after breaking off my engagement before jumping into bed with another man. I had no self-control when it came to Holden Catalano. And while I’d been selfishly enjoying the perks of that lack of self-control, I hadn’t stopped to think about the consequences giving in came with.
