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I nodded. “That’s really cool of you.”
Ashira forced a smile, eyes softening. She elbowed me. “You want to know what’s really nice? You staying with me.”
“Why you say that?”
“I know you’re going to say I’m being judgmental again—and I probably am. I can’t help it. But I didn’t think you’d support me emotionally the way you have today.”
“How would I not have done that?”
She shrugged, hugging her knees and rocking back and forth. “I don’t know. Maybe just go back to the cottage and think about how to break things off with me while I stayed out here and cried my eyes out.”
My damn stomach rolled over. “Ashira,I—I wanna marry you.”
Shit…
I meant what I said, just didn’t plan to say it, and definitely not the way I did.
The rocking of her body stopped.
“I didn’t meantha—well, I ‘on’t denytha—” I gave up, looking in the opposite direction to gather my thoughts.
“I’m in love with you,” her voice so small, so insecure. My head whipped to face her. A single tear fell from her right eye followed by the left before they both streamed. She wiped her face while nodding and smiling. “I know. Too soon. But I didn’t want to leave you out there alone with that proposal.”
“Leave me out there like how?” I was confused.
She elbowed me again. “You know. The marriage thing you want. It’s crazy as hell to expect from someone you’ve known for only three months. Just like it’s crazy for me to not only love you as a human being, but be in love with you as my man. I’m lost to you and I hate it.”
There were so many things to unpack with that.
“So, you think I’d ask you to marry me and not love you, too?”
She laughed. “Jas! Marriage is on that bible-like list you keep tallying. You trying to tell me you loved Cynthia and Maria and the other covenant-sisters, too?” She scoffed. “I don’t mean to sound conceited, but you never had the connection with them that we’ve growntogether—” Her eyes grew big as hell. “Shit!”
“What?”
“Three months! We’ve hit three months. Your rule is to marry or flee after three months. So is your proposal a sign that I’ve made the cut?”
My eyes closed tight and I dropped my head. Ashira, though not agreeing with my tactics, took me too seriously.
With my eyes still closed, I tried, “Ashira, I ain’t been fuckin’ with you since February.”
“Oh, right.”
I looked at her. “Right. I know my process was bullshit. I didn’t know it then, but I damn sure see it as a joke now. Right now, I’m feeling shit for you I ain’t never feel for even my own mother.” I shook my head. “My own mother.” I needed to be real with her. “I feel a love for you I’m possessive about. Ashira, you got a magic over me that scares me shitless. It’s so strong that it threatens the confidence I’ve built as a man over the years. It makes me question just how strong Iam—”
“Why? Because you now see how weakI—”
“Because you don’t know my name!” I yelled, suddenly irritated.
When all the muscles in her face dropped, appearing pained, my head fell back. “I’m sorry.Damn—I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay.” She sniffled, producing a weak giggle. “It’s been that kind of day.”
I shook my head. “It’s kind of been that type of past few months for me, especially since the night you danced for me at your studio. The day before, after the Lord concert, I had a gun pulled on me. Two cats tried to rob the club.”
“Oh. Jas!” She wrapped her arms around me.
“Nah. It was light work, I swear. But for a minute, I thought about all the shit I’d miss out on in life had my life ended then and there. The list was too damn long. But my takeaway from that night was I’d give into what I’d been feeling about you. I wasn’t gonna fight it no more. Your beauty, your culture, your immense intelligence, your wild ass presumptions. I said I’d give it a go. Then from the dance, I fell hard, Ashira. So fuckin’ hard, so fuckin’ fast. I’ve been gone ever since.”
