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My therapist shook her head. “I haven’t.”
“So, don’t stir the pot of my boiling ego by perpetuating his bullshit identity. Say his name! You know more than the one syllable I do.”
With that, I left. I meant it when I told her I didn’t want to talk about him.
“Yes. I agree.” He skimmed through the opened beat-up book. “Most with an unseeing eye believe Samson’s story is nothing more than a cautionary tale about a man weakened under the wiles of one irresistible woman.”
I nodded. “Instead of peeping how wild and insatiable Samson was. Like how he burned down the fields…the vineyard and olive groves. Bangin’ prostitutes…the arrogance dude displayed over and over with his women and the Philistines. His spiral was years in the making. It wasn’t just with women or didn’t start with Delilah.”
“I agree. Just as Atteberry says. It is why I sent you the book back when you were in Montgomery.” Ezra closed the book and sat back on the sofa in the bishop’s office of his church. Digging inside his beard to scratch his chin, he rasped, “I’m sensing this conversation has a deeper meaning than expounding on a book you and I discussed by way of letters years ago.”
My eyes scraped the floor. “I feellike—I’m spiraling. I am. I’m spiraling.” I wanted to be frank even at the risk of seeing the shock on his face.
“How so?”
I took a deep breath, thinking about it. “It’s been a…series of events over the past few weeks. Fighting, a shakedown”—Thanks to Juggy’s bullshit. I almost whooped his ass after letting Danny Lew and his weak ass friends go that night. He knew I didn’t roll like that anymore.—“and a…chick.” My eyes lifted to meet his. “A woman.”
Ezra’s head bobbed slowly, processing the information, I figured. “Let’s start withhave you discussed any of these things with your therapist?”
I shook my head, bringing my hand to my mouth until I caught myself about to gnaw on my finger. “I can’t talk to her about everything.”
“Then how effective and dynamic do you expect her to be?”
“Oh, she’s been effective in my pockets.”
“She’s more dynamic when you open your mind and heart.” When I shot him an empty look, he explained, “Jas, I’ve made no mystery of my experience with therapy. I would not be the self-aware, stable man I am right now without that help. What can you not share?”
“It’s not…” I took a quiet breath, feeling myself about to fall into excuses. Fuck that. I was a grown man, accountable for my actions. “I haven’t had a chance to talk about it. My session ain’t until Thursday.”
“Okay.” He sat up, bringing his elbows to his knees. “It’s clear you’re wearing this encumbrance on your back. Let’s do a preliminary run. Start with the fight.”
“In the right place at the wrong time. My club in Harlem. We’d been having some security issues there. Some cats had been sneaking in after hours when the final count of the night was going down. They told the manager we have there that the club was gonna start getting taxed, which meant—”
“I know what it means. Someone was ‘shakingyoudown,’ extorting you.”
I nodded. “It was clear to me they didn’t know who owned the place. To be a hun’ned, they didn’t know who ran the place either. Found out a few weeks ago when the matter was addressed, dude thought it was just in my name only. But his proper knowledge didn’t come before their planned ‘heist’ when he and his young partner put a gun to my head, trying to rob the spot.”
“Christ…” He rubbed his head. “For a violent-prone man with your history, I’m sure that was akin to your first hit of a stimulant narcotic after significant time away from it.”
Bingo…
“And I’m wondering if it started there, because a few weeks after handling that, my guy, Jug, had a damn relapse. It was one of those he couldn’t be left hanging alone. A cat I’m in a legit, fully legal business relationship with tried to renege on me. A deal he agreedandcontributed to. Then the nigga stopped taking my calls and texts—ghostin’ me—knowing he owed me for a shield I provided back in the day. When he finally got the balls to turn me down to my face, he got arrogant with it, showing up with his weak ‘pals,’ talking greasy and…”
Deadpanned, Ezra looked me in the eyes, almost as though bored. “Juggy didn’t take to the act of him abnegating and, therefore, lacking respect for your efforts as a legitimate businessman.”
I nodded. “He’s been riding with me on this new lifestyle. Jug hasn’t been sold on it, but for sure has been trusting me. And that night when one hammer dropped…” I swung my hand, dismissing the topic.
“I follow.” He nodded for a few seconds, eyes wide. “And what about this…‘chick?’”
Oh. Her…
My attention went to a string standing boldly out of place from the seam of my jeans. I tried yanking it unsuccessfully at first, stalling. “I broke a promise.”
“To whom?”
When my heavy regard lifted to his face, Ezra’s eyes flipped in understanding.
“Ifucked up—pardon my language.”
