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Sucking in more air, my neck rolled hard. “You’re the one who thinks I’m a shitty mother!”
“I ain’t never say that shit,Ashir—”
“And let me tell you, I won’t allow you or anyone else to judge me. I may not beyourideal mother to her…taking her to church, reading bedtime stories to her every night—dedicating my every waking hour to her. But I love my daughter, and it’s fucked up how everybody thinks I’m a loser of a mom and every other capacity I serve in people’s lives!” My fists clenched, remembering the accusations. “You heard my sister. She chose Ava over me!”
Jas’ neck collapsed. “Don’t even go there, man. Ol’ girl’s gone!”
“Oh, yeah. Right!” My arms shot into the air. “Blame that on me. Just like my mother. Blame everything on me. She thinks I’m a shitty mother, too. I don’t have anything to prove to either one of you. Chi-Chi came fromme. She came from love! I didn’t have a baby by a random ass nigga, even though the pregnancy wasn’t planned and having a baby wasn’t ideal. But I’ve given my all to my daughter. So fuck you, and everyone else who thinks I don’t do enough.”
Fuckingstunned…
I was fucking stunned!
“Me?Fuckme?Idon’t think you’re good to Chivon? I defended your ass when your moms tried to come for you. I’m always defending you!”
Being melodramatic, Ashira’s hand went to her chest. “So, now, you’re doing me a favor? Great!” She gripped her waist, shifting away while nodding.
Yo, I had no idea how we’d even gotten here. I would blame it on her being drunk, but Ashira had one glass of wine at dinner tonight, and I knew her tolerance was too high to act out of character from that alone. The ocean ride was good for me this week. My prayers had been regular, and meditation was amazing. I’d been in my worship bag, which had helped with getting along with her.
“Ashira,” I tried for a cooler head.
She yanked her body to face me, still busting off, “I know what all of your coldness toward me has been about. It’s about Paris.” A million needles stabbed my chest at one damn time, and I blinked hard, trying to clear my vision. “You’ll never get over me not wanting to go through with another pregnancy. That’s your issue with me, no matter how ‘cool guy’ you try to act. You still hold it against me. I’m sorry, Jas. Okay?”
“Don’t fuckin’ apologize—”
She spoke over me, “I struggled to recoup professionally what I almost lost when carrying Chi-Chi. I followed my dreams, and will never apologize for that! Icanhave it all. I’m doing the best I can as a mother. And you know what? I’m going back on the road! I’m doing Pixie’s tour. That’s the only time I seem to have peace. And maybe I’m not tending to my child day in and day out the way you and others want me to, but I provide for my child! I’m not dependent on you!”
Her arm swung in the air randomly toward the street. “You may have gotten this fancy yacht…paid almost a million dollars for this vacation”—Try two…—“but damn it, I could have paid for this, too! It would have been a little more of a sacrifice for me, digging into my savings, but I could have. Either way, I’mherewith my daughter. I’m investing my time with her. I want the best for her as you do. And I’m not going to allow anyone to judge me about how I carry it out! You got what you wanted from me. You have a child! I’ve taken you one step closer to the wholesome lifestyle you’ve been wanting. ThenI’mjudged for making a call that wouldn’t further derail the dreams I’ve had.Tuh!”
Self-righteous ass…
I lost it. “You’re the one who turnedmeinto a fucking baby daddy! I wasn’t made for this shit. I built myself up to be a husband first, and then a father. Who the fuck are you to play God and determinemyfuture? You rejected the idea of marriage. Of course, you wouldn’t have a baby with a nigga with my history. Thenyoukilled my child!YOU!You decided having another baby wouldn’t suityourlife and ignored my pleas to have the baby.Yougot the fuckin’ abortion.You. It was all about fuckin’ Ashira. It always is!”
“I didn’t make the babies alone, Jas. You determine your own future.Youwanted me.Youdecided to forego condoms back before Chi-Chi.Youwant to act like a goddamn hoodlum, fighting my ex-boyfriend, who I wouldn’t give a second chance if he paid me for it. I didn’t sleep with himsincesleeping with you. I haven’t fucked a soul because sex toys are lifeless! Butyoudid.Youfucked Josie!You’retrying to find a soulmate.You’reabandoning this life we’ve created, albeit accidentally. Yes, it may be untraditional—hell, did you listen to the story Bella just shared? No, I wouldn’t mind another babynow—”
“Another fuckin’bab—” Anger burned in my fucking stomach like acid at the mention of that. She did this shit to me, making me feel more like an animal than a man. “You think I’m a fuckin’ toy? Like you can just fuck my life upside down and come back for more when you feel? You think so fuckin’ little of me?”
“Okay. So, maybe I’m open to having another baby, and you’re not, but fuck you! You’re not better than me, Jas!I’m human!”
I couldn’t process much more, still stuck on her arrogance.
She killed my baby.
I asked her not to, but she did. It was a time I’d never forget. Ashira had been working withAsè Garbwhen Chivon was just nine months old. Me being the fucking pussy I allowed her to turn me into flew Chivon and my staff out to Paris to be a support to Ashira. She and I had never returned to being a couple like we were when Chivon was conceived, but I fought hard to be sure to maintain a connection with her. It wasn’t just for the baby's sake: I lowkey still wanted her. I was still in love with the girl.
There had been something compelling me to her for days before Ava was able to make the arrangements for me to see her. I used the excuse of Chivon getting ready to walk and didn’t want her to miss out on it. It made sense in my head, so we flew out, and like a fucking kid, I couldn’t wait to get to her.
Paris was cool. It was my first time, and to have it with my daughter and Ashira meant a lot to me. Between her shoots, we’d go to different restaurants she wanted me to try. I’d had gelato for the first time with Chivon. Ashira and I made love all over the small apartment they rented for her out there. It was a good time, until the morning we had to leave her out there and go back to the States.
Ashira didn’t look good when she told me she had something to tell me and wanted to ride to the airport with us. That shit sent my anxiety through the fucking roof. I was leaving her sad. I couldn’t take thatandseparate my family. So, to extend our time together, I asked the driver to pull up to the park that so happened to be Parc des Buttes Chaumont. While there, a miracle happened. Chivon actually walked. I questioned if I’d ever felt more pride than I had at that moment. Becoming a father weakened niggas like me. The little girl made me vulnerable, which could get me killed if I were in another line of work.
But nothing had destroyed me more than the news Ashira broke in front of the airport after she’d kissed our baby goodbye and sent Amy and the staff inside to give us privacy.
“Jas,” she whispered as I leaned down, my forehead pressed into hers.
“Yeah, baby.” I rarely called her baby since our breakup, but I felt it at that moment. Time needed to stand fucking still. I hated leaving her, but would never deny Ashira her dreams. I’d move heaven and hell to ensure her happiness. I’d even ‘backseat’ my own dreams of making her my wife just to see hers come to life. And this was the price I had to pay, leaving her again.
“I’m pregnant,” her voice was pained, scared…small.
