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“Look where we at, Ashira.” My arms stretched wide.
“I ain’t never been around so many white people in my life. Even in the pen, we were segregated by race to survive.” I snorted.
“But you’ve had money since…before prison. You could have afforded destinations like this before meeting me.”
“Yeah, but…” I glanced around. “…money doesn’t mean inspired. I can’t remember being broke, but me and my money stayed local. I never wanted to see the world until your reckless ass and—”Why the fuck did am I reaching for her?“—these braids had me stressing like a muthafucka over your safety.”
Ashira’s face wrinkled. “Is that when your controlling ways of my safety began?”
I dropped her braid. “Nah. Let’s not go there.”
“Anyway.” She rolled her eyes again, hopping in the chest-level water. “You were sharing the good qualities I brought out in you. It reminds me of Tori McNabb and her husband. What’s his name?” She pushed out her lips and tightened her forehead to think. “B-Way Burgerguy…”
I snorted. “Spencer. Ashton Spencer.” Ashton was known just about everywhere now. Before, it was because he was a nigga in Jersey with the burger bag. Now, it was because of having that bag and being married toThe Banger.
“Right! They were featured in this season’sBlack Love, the documentary. She said when they met at my alma mater, she was dirt poor, and he was rich. Ashton took her to top restaurants and taught her how to dress and appreciate the arts. According to her, he taught her culture.”
I nodded, having seen the episode myself. “That’s what’s up.”
“But to hear you say that about me sounds crazy because you had money; she didn’t.”
“As we can see, Ashira: money ain’t culture. It’s just a tool. Sometimes that tool can get you to the resource that’ll teach you culture.”
“Your money didn’t win me over.” She rolled her eyes.Again. “Remember, I didn’t know about that for a while. Did Josie?”
And there it was. We’d been having peaceful conversations, and then something went left. The shit reminded me of the old Tamar Braxton song about relationships being “Love and War.”
“You know what?” I splashed water on my face when I felt it began burning from the sun. “Let’s talk about that.”
“About what? Josie?”
“Yeah.”
“Good. Because I’ve been dying to know what makes her more special than me to get your name and home address upfront. How long did it take her to hit? Did she have to do a dry run in the Harlem projects first like I did?”
“No, and it’s becauseyougrew me up!” When she blinked, stunned or confused, I tried to explain. “I ain’t mind telling you about being locked down. I’ve never been ashamed of it. I ain’t tell you about the money, car, boat, and crib just fuckin’ with you because you swore you labeled me just right. But my name was different. I fucked around and got so caught up with you that by that time, I was scared.”
“Scared of what?”
“Of you leaving me. If you looked up my record, you’d see not just my charges, but now with the internet, you could see why the cops performed the illegal search in the first place. The murder trial was a big deal back then because of the…” I wasn’t going there. That was my past. God tossed that shit in the sea of forgetfulness; the deepest ocean there is. “I ‘on’t wanna rehash that, but what I want you to know is that the name thing was because I was in way deep with you then. I ain’t wanna lose you. So, like a coward…”
“You wait until the baby shower?”
I shrugged with my chin. “It, to me, represented a fresh start. You being willing to have the baby told me you were showing me grace. You could have aborted her and moved on. I was all in when you carried my baby and stayed.”
“And how does this relate to Josie?”
“Before you, I had this list of things I never accomplished. The deeper you and I went, the more the list changed. I used to recite to myself subconsciously when in sticky situations. I think I’ve told you about it. The last time I had it happen was when you got snatched onRed’s Island. I was scared as a muthafucka, and that same list of what I hadn’t accomplished populated in my mind.”
“What were they?”
“I’ve never had a home. I’ve never lived with a woman other than my mother and grandma. I’ve never proposed to Ashira. I’ve never worn a ring. I’ve never been called Daddy. I’ve never made a family.I’ve never fucked a woman or laid in bed with one without clothes. I’ve never been loved. I’ve never made love.Something like that, and as you can see, much of that has changed. Only two of them are still true. Because of you, my life changed in so many ways. It made me realize no woman is worth me being embarrassed over. Not even Josie. If fuckin’…Shi-Shi from the ‘GramandTikTokhad my baby, I’m good as gold, my nigga!” I bragged, pumping my shoulders.
That forced a big ass smile on Ashira’s face. She couldn’t even look at me before busting out, laughing hard.
“Fuck you, Jas!” I knew she didn’t mean it in a nasty way. Ashira was having a rare display of shyness. “And thank you at the same time.”
That made me laugh. If being honest with her could make the girl feel good, I’d done my job. I owed that to Ashira.
