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Thanks for answering?
Ignoring what felt like a jab, I nodded. “Must’ve been a bad nightmare. But she went down fast and let you put her back in her bed.”
“Yeah. I got us out of the habit of her sleeping in my bed just before Christmas. If I had to grow up, she’s got to, too.”
Chi-Chi still slept in my bed when with me. So, I understood how that emotional attachment went both ways when training your child to be more independent. “I hear you.”
“Less than two weeks away, huhn?”
“IDC? Yeah.” I rolled my eyes. “Call me old, but this year’s kicking my ass. Maybe it’s because I’m just coming off the Ragee ‘The Rhyme of Love’ tour then going straight into this or…” I sighed, shaking my head.
“Or what?”
“My ass is getting old,” I murmured. Jas’ mirth spurred my own. “I’m not even kidding you, man. It’s been brutal. Evenemotionally—” I caught myself.
Jas and I didn’t engage in conversations like this. It was a boundary I set three years ago, something I thought necessary to preserve my independence. Jas was a force of nature. Being his partner in parenting, at one point, felt suffocating. I needed my freedom from that. And if I wanted to maintain it, taking on conversations about my emotional well-being couldn’t happen.
And there it was. The deep gaze Jas paid to me, attempting to search my soul through the camera. It was an act I’d been resenting since learning of his full name the day I went into labor with our first child. His penetrative regard was leveling, alarming, and often intimidating.
“Everything good, Ashira?”
I bit my lips together, thinking of my response. Tonight, I was too exhausted to react to his authoritative tone. I decided to lie instead. “All is well on this end.” I nodded, snapping out of my stupid vulnerable state. “Have you heard from Noelle? I tried calling her almost every day since I’ve been back out here.”
“Yeah. She hit me up earlier.”
“What she say?”
He shrugged with his head, pouting his lips. Why did I take keen notice of them? Perhaps it was because I couldn’t recall the last time I’d had this much face time with Jas. Our conversations were brief, in transit, and typically limited to Chi-Chi.
“Something about a fundraiser at her school.”
“What about it?”
Jas shrugged again. “Just needed a few dollars. I handled it.”
Why would she go to Jas and not me? I mean, I could get why not my father. I’d still been working on them. But I’d called Noelle at least five times since the funeral a few days ago to no avail. That’s when I knew. My sister had been ignoring me. Something in my chest twisted.
“Well,” Jas’ eyes closed as he rotated his neck, stretching out the muscles. “I’mma let you go. I know you were busy.”
My eyes burst wide and I shook my head. “Oh, no! I wasn’t busy at all. I was taking a bath…” It was Jas’ eyes bursting open now. Why did I back the camera up so he could see my bare shoulders? It was dumb! Such a stupid, childlike move. It was another marker of my need to prove I was an accessible partner—at least, as present as I could be from a distance. Instantly, I caught it. Jas’ eyes turned hooded, then they glazed over, staring into the phone. My clitoris swelled promptly. This was too much. I cleared my throat. “Okay. Thanks for calling me.”
Jas caught himself and was able to sideswipe the moment. “‘S’all good. You go ‘head, finish ya bath.” When I smiled, acquiescing, Jas’ brows shot up. “Oh! Your moms called. She wants to see Chivon.”
I shook my head, feeling ill over the mention of my mother. “She’ll have to wait until I’m done here—at least.” I was working. There was nothing I could do with my mother’s craving from out here. Then I thought, “Unless she wants to come to Jersey again to see her.”
That was pure sarcasm, but my feelings about my mother’s resentment of me had intensified since I’d become a mother myself. I’d grown less patient with her antics.
“I ain’t gon’ hold you.” Jas rubbed his eyes. “We’re working on something.”
I shrugged, unable to care less. “Okay.”
“Night.”
“Good night. Thanks again.”
Suddenly, my mood dropped again. I twisted the left knob of the tub’s faucet to run more hot water. Then I took another swig of my brandy. The tips of my nails drummed the lip of the porcelain tub. I was tweaking. My mind raced, heart ached, and body throbbed in need. Nothing about me was sure. Where was my next gig? Yeah, I had options on the table, but nothing inspiring. What type of sister had I been to Noelle? Yes, I’d still been supporting her since my career took off, but being a mother and entrepreneur of my own businesses had caused a major shift in my priorities. Was I a good mom?
I toed over to the vanity and reached inside one of its drawers. Pulling out the waterproof apparatus, I returned to the tub. Right away, I appreciated the warming water. The minute I adjusted myself inside the tub, I spread my thighs. When the motor sounded after I pushed up the lever, my mind went blank, and I brought the vibrator between my folds. I enjoyed the stimulating massage until my body melted in an orgasm.
