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My lil’ homie…
Chivon giggled, eyes glued to her mother.
“See…” I bounced her on my arm. “Your mommy never stays down.”
My baby cackled even louder, though she wasn’t old enough to fully appreciate my words just yet.
Still out of breath, I was pensive backstage. I paced back and forth. Sweat dripped from my head, arms, and chest, and my heart galloped in nervous anticipation.
I fell…
Damn!
That goddamn knee gave out on Sam during our air-toss routine, shooting me aimlessly during the opening number. That lessened my time in the air, sending me to the floor too soon. My wrists stung and the bed of the foot I’d landed on lit a blaze with pain upon impact, but I managed to rebound from the mishap and agony of it all in no time. But I’d fallen. We had the perfect choreography and fucked it up on a fall. My troupe managed the rest of the number without another error, but I was scared out of my mind as we waited for the judges to tally their votes.
Damn.
I fell.
“Mommy!” That small yet powerful cry had my legs steel and head snapping up.
Chi-Chi?
My head swung right, then left. She gleamed radiantly, carrying a bouquet of flowers while sitting on the shoulders of her lengthy mocha-skinned father.How did they even get back here?The small and emotionless entourage surrounding Chivon and her father reminded me of general access to my world.
My knees buckled and eyes closed, spilling hot water at the same time.
“Mommy crying!” Chi-Chi announced.
I covered my face, hating I was fucking up my makeup. A fewawwww’s could be heard around my sobs. Feeling her little hand on my thigh, I realized her father had removed her from his shoulders. I tried forcing my palms away but knelt instead. Chi-Chi took me at the wrists and did the job for me as I’d done for her several times over the years.
“Wha’ you crying?” she asked.
When I tried to laugh, another round of tears pushed from my face. “Because your gorgeous face is here with me.”
I heard theawwww’s around me again.
“Daddy here,” Chivon announced as though I didn’t know. “Look! Daddy, c’mere!”
I was able to successfully laugh this time as did others.
Jas obediently strode closer to me. His hand was drawn, and expression soft. “Congratulations, Witherspoon. You did it again.”
Running my eyes from his big hand, up his legs, then chest, I latched a hold of it to stand. That’s when it hit me. The look in the man’s eyes, the stoic muscles of his face when in my presence, the stiffness of his posture, and the iron door he’d shut behind his eyes all when in my presence. Like a crocodile’s, an attachment protecting his inner being would flip when around me, and until now, in my vulnerable state, I didn’t quite understand it. I wasn’t too sure now, but had a spark of knowledge.
Staring him directly in the eyes, I could feel Jas’ need to maintain the stony veneer. “Told baby girl here you always put in that work from your heart. You know you can’t lose that way, no matter what them judges say.”
Those words of praise showered over me like a wellspring in the middle of the Atacama, causing the carotid artery in my neck to pulse loudly in my skull.
What I was able to identify in the flash of a moment was what was hidden behind the protective layer of his eyes; Jas’ undeniable passion for me. The first time I recognized it was inDiFillippo’swhen I asked to speak to him before eating with the Jacobs. I knew in my heart of hearts the man didn’t want to share the same air as me that night, but there was a flip—a protective slide over his pupils, revealing his vulnerability to me. I’d seen it the first time he’d taken me on his boat, the first time he made love to me when I’d taken his jailhouse virginity, when I broke things off with him when his daughter was born, and countless times since. I’d never seen it in our encounters atBrown Barista, when we’d generally argue, or much as of late. The problem with recognizing it was the sprinkle of vulnerable passion had been the coldness Jas led with when interacting with me.
My attention on him faltered, blindly scanning uniformed dancers performing the same self-engrossed pacing I’d been doing. A few in my camp smiled, recognizing my unexpected guests.
“I thought by telling you that, it would kill the tears.” Jas’ tenor had my eyes back onto him.
It seemed everything quieted around me, and all I saw was him. In that moment, there were so many things to say, countless emotions bouncing between the two of us. I felt raw enough to attempt them and had finally realized we needed to address our shit—
“What?” someone barked behind me.
