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“Or maybe it wasn’t about Ashira at all.”
My head bounced. “Maybe it was about having something attainable…accessible.”
“How is Ashira accessible?” I was confused again.
“She’s the mother of your child.”
“And?”
“And if you were able to engage with her intimately, maybe Tyreek felt he’d have an opportunity, too.”
My head swung, softly shaking as I stared her dead in the eyes. “Nah. Ty family, but that nigga ain’t me. I got qualifications that apparently appeal to Ashira. I’m a self-made millionaire, been before my bid. That nigga ain’t me.”
“Okay.” She nodded. “Ashira has great energy. That could be where lines got crossed.”
“She’s also single. My family knows that. I even had my new friend around my family, making it clear it’s over between us.”
“But she’s still your former lover…as far as Tyreek is concerned.”
“Now, that’s true. He’s been testing me since he got home last year. I’m sure his verbal excuse would be she’s single. Grimy niggas do shit like that. Ain’t no rules.”
“Again, making your attack of him about Ashira,” she challenged, bringing her point home.
I didn’t necessarily agree, but wouldn’t argue with her.
“For me, that was about checking him and sending a message to my family who witnessed his shit over the past few months, and those who’ll hear about it.” I shrugged. “I ain’t soft. Don’t let this Jesus pursuit fool you. I’m still that Sin nigga from building one-two-five. That part of me is still as present as my desire to give my daughter the best life.”
Closely watching me, the therapist nodded her head. “Yes. I agree. Your propensity to violence is very much an active facet of your composition. We can begin methods of managing it as soon as you’d like, but I believe there’s a bigger issue here.” She reached for her tablet again and began tapping into it as she shared, “Your relationship with your daughter’s mother needs to be settled. It’s my theory that your recent bouts with violence are on par with your previous assessment by the group out ofBSUprovided by theFederal Bureau of Prisons.” She tapped, then paused to read. “Ahh. Yes. Cluster B, antisocial personality disorder. You’ve been displaying a typical trait of violating the physical rights of others by demonstrating violence. Question: Do you regret the kerfuffle with your cousin?”
“Hell no,” I calmly and definitively answered, having no idea what that word meant but could guess based on the few before and after it.
“That with Austin?”
I shook my head, daring her to defend his punk ass. A sharp pain plucked my knuckles again. The left one this time.
She shifted closer by laying her elbows on her crossed leg. “I mean, I’m not re-diagnosing you or judging your behavior so much as I’m trying to lead you to your processes. That way, you can make those judgment calls and behavioral adjustments.” The smirk opening on her face made her seem shy…embarrassed. “My preference is human connection rather than stratification. You’re going on a family vacation soon. Right?”
“How you know?”
Thissmirk was definitely an embarrassed one. “You caught me…crossing client intel.” I snorted. It was all good. “You’ll be away for a while. Correct?”
I adjusted my sweats, feeling the throb from the back of my hand while doing it. “Something like two weeks. A little more than that, actually.” Then I cleared my throat, struggling with how hard it still was for me to get open in these sessions.
Especially with two fucking busted hands…
“That’s a long time to be on shaky grounds. Why don’t we try for specific efforts and outcomes?”
“Like what?”
“Like peace…acceptance. You can’t control what Ashira brings or gives, but you can attempt to create an environment of peace and acceptance—of all things. Like her flaws, quirkiness, and judgment you’ve mentioned in the past.”
“What does peace and acceptance have to do with anything?”
“Because it’s what you want.”
“I ain’t never say that.”
She nodded. “You having never gotten what you’ve wanted from Ashira is why your relationship with her has been unstable—from your perspective. Look at your first impression of her when you initially crossed paths as children. Even then, you didn’t feel you were someone she’d have a relationship with, platonic or otherwise.” Her face tightened. “Also, earlier, you said you’ve let her go, but you can’t be over her when one considers these violent outbursts. Just as pointed out in yourF.O.B. assessment, they’ve been calculated against your opponents and have connections to one thing: her.”
