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“Yeah. I know,” Mya muttered with less confidence than she was known to exude.
“Think about your needs now,” Nisha aided her softly. “What attributes does twenty-nine-year-old Mya need she maybe muscled through life without coming out of college?”
She didn’t answer right away. Nisha, Lisa, and I crossed each other’s lines of vision.
Mya’s tone was the softest I’d ever heard when she murmured, “It would be nice for Mya to be given more patience when she’s frustrated with the kids. She could use a soft hand sometimes, and not always have to be the regulator. It would be nice to share some of the responsibilities of the house like recurring bill payments and things like that. We both pay the bills, but I don’t like being the lone secretary. And when this advanced-aged Mya expresses her opinion, it would be nice to be heard by her partner and not blown off all the time.” She nodded, glancing around the room at us. “It would be nice to remind Mya she’s a human being with feelings that get bruised from time to time. Words hurt, and ill-actions wound. I’m not always as tough as I seem. Mya could use wooing and pampering.” Abruptly, Mya giggled, maybe at the fact of speaking in third person. But I thought it was cool, so long as she could be real. “I bet you feel the same,” she posed to me.
She was right and wrong. I knew what it felt like to be coddled from time to time, though very limitedly. In recent years, I’d also been reminded that I was human, capable and deserving of being pampered.
“But seriously,” Mya continued with a dramatic pause. “I wouldn’t go back and decide against Derrick one bit. He can be all of those things—is all of those things. You know?”
I couldn’t answer. Was too busy typing my text.
Me:Leaving in twenty minutes. Should I pick up dinner?
Back at the house inSamsara, I peered down at my kicks, feeling giddy as I walked toward the live, circumfluous musical flow. On the ride up from Central Jersey, my excitement multiplied by the mile at seeing him again. It was stupid. Childish and reckless compulsion is what it was, but I’d defer self-judgment until next week when I returned to my real life.
I stopped at the doorway of the formal living room where Tobias sat at the grand piano, stroking its keys with his eyes closed and head cocked to the side. His posture on the bench was different than I’d seen him back in the day, playing at my grandmother’s church when the regular organ player quit for a paying gig at a mega church in Upper Montclair. My grandmother said Tobias’ hands were anointed by God. She was smitten with him until she found out he wanted me.
Tobias’ eyes squeezed and chin twirled in the air; he was so caught up in the melody. I understood because, in no time, I was captivated myself. The notes were complimentary; some soft, others dominating, but all worked together to cast a spell of decadent peace. Finding myself leaning into the arched entryway, I got lost in the beautiful, sweet arrangement.
Second by second, it was wondrous to not feel a slapdash of anxiety—a flash of terror entering your orbit, caused by reckless decisions made by others. The suspension of worrying about the phone ringing with bad news, or the access demonic havoc had on your life. It could walk through the door of your home at any minute and cripple you into irrevocable circumstances. The perpetual, gut-churning state, from being calm and unsuspecting, to receiving disturbing news. Having a moment of simple peace was priceless and undervalued.
In these moments, I recognized the gift of heartsease. I told myself I would find that very thing this week and bask in it. I wouldn’t run from happiness or watch it parade by me. This week, I’d chase it with courage and ride the wave with hopeless intent. No crying myself to sleep or twisting and turning before I could find rest. I’d latch onto it until it dissolved in my arms.
“You look…” the sound of his husky tenor thundered in my chest. My eyes burst wide. “…interesting. Good, but interesting.” Tobias observed me from head to toe, taking in my attire.
An emerald green, off-the-shoulder tulip dress. It fit perfectly. However, incongruent to its elegance were theNikerunning shoes he purchased for me this week. My attention trailed up to him across the room.
“They all fit.”
His syllable spilled monotonically. “I know.”
“How?”
“Because I pay attention, Lennox.”
“Maybe I shouldn’t be shopping while on the phone with you.” I fought a heated grin. “I was going to buy it.”
His brows plucked as he shifted his legs around the piano bench to face me. “Maybe I should have let you. Marked down or not, that shit is expensive. I thoughtJAGMisha Boutiquehad killer deals.”
“It’sValentino.” I shrugged, taking in his stunning beauty. Tobias’ features were soft, eyes imposing as they ran across my body. Again, I wasn’t used to this proximity to him. Did he always exude this passion when sharing a space with women? I swallowed while hooking my finger into the twenty-four-inch necklace running into my cleavage. At the base, in white gold, was my first initial. Captured at the top of the letter and bottom were several small, glistening, disbursed diamonds. It was soft, dainty, and with an intentional message. “Couldn’t have been as much as thisAndretta’s.”
For a spell, neither of us shared a word. A crackle of pending tension sparked the air. Suddenly words weren’t necessary, and quite frankly, I’d given enough out today at the spa with the girls. At this hour—in this space—my needs were different. I didn’t want to lead. I wanted to be understood and tended to for once. Even if it meant just standing here, being seen in clothing, jewelry, and shoes he thoughtfully purchased for me. I wanted to be seen as something more than an invariably in-control heroine.
I didn’t want to be a silent survivor like pigeons in the inner city. I needed to be a dove once in a while. Doves weren’t seen in my neighborhood coming up. At least not the all-white ones. They were beautiful, rare sightings. Doves had better reputations and were believed to be precious. That’s what I wanted to allow myself to be, and the man across the room from me had been the only to, not only express interest, but capability as well.
Flustered, I cleared my throat. “What are you thinking?”
Tobias licked his lips, peering me dead in the eyes. “How I wanna spank your ass.”
“You say that a lot. This time, I’m afraid I believe you.”
His spine straightened over the bench. “You should.”
“Why do you want to beat my ass?”
“I said spank. And I want to do it for a few reasons. One is because you took so damn long to give me this time with you. So fuckin’ long that I don’t know if I’m in a dream or if this is my real life. Do you need another reason?”
