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“He called me out on some shit earlier that stung,” he breathed into my ear, causing my spine to arch. “Ain’t no biggie, though. Just brotherly love.”
“Good. I like that you’re around people who seem to genuinely love you. That’s so underrated nowadays.”
“Your hair smells so damn good,” Tobias expressed throatily. He inhaled deeply, causing a cool breeze to graze my scalp.
“You and my hair,” I chided lightheartedly.
“I love it.” His hand roved up my back, causing me to curve into his hard chest and abdomen. “I can do this shit forever.” His words were like a feather stroking my spine, making me shiver.
He smelled amazing, masculine energy teasing my feminine wiles, as we moved in sync.
“You haven’t asked about Kelvin’s arrest.”
“I don’t wanna say the wrong shit.”
I peered up at him. “You never do. I’ve gutted some of my most personal shit to you, and you’ve never said anything wrong.”
“We haven’t talked in so long. Feels like, we haven’t been the same since…”
“Homecoming?” Tobias nodded. “I feel the same. It’s like we talk less since…”
“The fuckin’ started.” I nodded. He reached down and kissed my lips. “You were rubbing them together. What are you thinking?”
“How I’ve had your body, yet still feel absent from the friend in you. But I’ve been in a metamorphic phase. I’m renewing myself. Being with you feels so good…so natural, but after walking this through with my therapist, I know I have to make sure I’m not leaning into a convenience. I need to be sure I’m moving into what’s purposeful and meant for me. And right now, I want to make sure what’s meant for me is good for me.
“Growing up with my grandmother, I never felt at home emotionally or that I belonged. I was just a consequence of my parents’ bad decision and, therefore, a circumstance for my grandmother. That’s one of the reasons why I went along with marrying Kelvin. Yes, he was handsome, had a promising future, and told me to marry him, but I went with it because someone I felt I owed something to pushed me.”
I loved how his attention was stapled onto me, and Tobias still moved rhythmically, guiding our steps.
“For over three years, you’ve done a lot for me emotionally. You’ve been my biggest cheerleader…biggest confidante, my biggest confidence-builder. But I have to make sure this next chapter in life is for me. So, when I do fade to black…when I don’t reply—I haven’t been replying—it’s because I want to make sure I’m balanced with this thing. I have to know I’m making the right decision that’s best for me. This season has to be about Lennox.” My eyes closed in a rush of passion. “Yes, I feel you belong in it. Yes, I want you in it. But when I’m away from you, now that our passion is high, thanks to us…”
“Fuckin’.”
“Yes.” I smiled. “I guess. That. The breaks in between just give me that much more confidence thatI’min control. I’m sorry it has to be about me. Do I see a future between us? Yes. And it terrifies me. I do see myself being with you, but at the end of the day, it would, invariably, be as your wife. I still have to maintain self-identity. I have to make sure all the baggage incurred from my faulty decision as a young adult has been cleared out before I find myself being your wife. It has to be all about me.”
“It’s always been all about you, Lennox,” his volume so tender.
“I do believe that, coming from you. I love you for that. I do! Still, I have to serve me first. So, while I’ll return to New Jersey, I have to be on my own. I have to live on my own. This is something I’ve never done. I’ve provided for people over the past six years or so, but I’ve never done it just for me. Do I want distance from you? No. But I’m old enough to know everything that feels good ain’t good for you.
“I’m trying to move into this with just me on my mind. Do I want you there on the other side of it? Absolutely. But if I fall into you before I put myself back together independently, I’m going to end up in a situation where, maybe we will work out, yet I’ll always wonder the motivation behind it. Like, what was the motivation of my grandmother taking me in? What was the motivation of my grandmother pushing me into a marriage I had no business in? What was the motivation of me accepting her influence?
“Ihaveto figure out what’s best for me. Do I think you’re good for me? Yeah. The fact that I know who you’ll be in my future frightens me. But I need to stand on my own emotionally to have self-confidence. So, during this transition, I’m going to need help, but I’m also going to need space. All I’m asking is that you continue to be patient with me. I have to try me out. I have to temper me. I have to see what it’s like with just Lennox as a motive and no one else. I don’t want to be another circumstance to anyone. I want to be chosen. I want to be loved, but I have to be those things to me first.”
His heavy-lidded eyes were lower than usual as he peered down on me. Tobias nodded, expression placid. And the moment I began to worry about his reaction to my emotional diatribe, his teeth revealed themselves, illuminating the candle-lit room.
“You’re going to be my wife?”
Huhn?
Was that all his big ass heard? Out of all the gazillion words I shared toexpress—
Big arms landed on my shoulders, and a face joined our personal space. “Y’all getting married? Can I sing there? In fact…” He backed away, neck swinging in search of someone. “Bishop, can we get you to officiate? Who the best man?” he posed to Tobias.
“If your drunk ass don’t stop,” Raj’s friend, LeRoy, groaned, sauntering past us carrying a champagne flute high in the air by its stem.
So embarrassed, I dropped my face into Tobias’ hard pecs.
“Shit,” Tobias husked. “I gotta get her back home.” He took my hand, and guided me out of the room, leaving Raj hanging.
