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Wondering what was taking so long, she’d called my father to ask if he’d gotten lost going to the store. A police officer answered the phone and asked her to come to the hospital where he’d been taken. When she arrived, he was gone. Though she’d felt it, she’d still driven there hoping she was wrong. They’d had to sedate her to make her calm down. I’d arrived to her staring at the ceiling of the hospital bed with tears streaming from her eyes that never seemed to end.
She carried that sadness with her daily. When I asked about it, she told me that it was a side effect of finding her soulmate and losing him. Something that couldn’t be helped. She still lived her life, but that sadness was forever with her. He’d left up three years ago, suddenly, it seemed like he was just here yesterday.
“Simone?”
I sat up suddenly, gasping for air. Tears wet my face as I looked at Beni. He was beside me in bed and I struggled to remember how he got there.
“You pulled me into bed with you when I came to wake you.” He held up his hands.
I searched his face looking for deceit.
“You snuggled with me and I kept my hands to myself even though that was very difficult."
“Why?” I frowned at him.
He raised his eyebrow and his eyes dropped to my breasts. I looked down remembering me stripping out of my clothes. Clad in only my panties and bra, I pulled the sheet up over my body.
“Again, I kept my hands to myself. I can’t say the same about you.”
His hair was ruffled, his shirt untucked and wrinkled, and when I looked at his groin, there was no denying how he’d felt about me touching him.
“Sorry. I…” I sighed feeling much too vulnerable.
Beni took my hand and gently tugged it. I squinted trying to figure out what he was up to. He repeated the action and I shifted closer.
“Woman, if I wanted to bite you, you’d already be begging me not to. Get. Over. Here.” He tugged harder until I fell against him. He groaned in… approval? “Good girl.”
Beni placed a kiss on top of my forehead and began massaging my shoulders. I froze, but that didn’t stop him.
“There was a bad dream. Tell me about it.”
“I don’t think–”
“Correct. Don’t think. Talk.”
I sighed, recalling my father’s face. I tried to speak. Really, I did. When I opened my mouth the words choked in my throat again. The pain there signaled the rest into action and uncontrollable body-shaking cries began.
“Ah…” Beni changed our position, pulling me into his chest as he rubbed my back.
Each stroke against my spine seemed to loosen more sobs. The way he held me… It made for a safe haven. One that made me feel as if it were okay to let go of everything right here. The walls wouldn’t talk. He wouldn’t judge me. Guilt that riddled me speechless disappeared into thin air. I lived while my father rested in a coffin. My mother’s sorrow deserved a place to lie down and never get up. I couldn’t give that to her. Watching her suffer grated my nerves, making it difficult to be around. What right did I have to leave her in her pain?
Marcus… He’d killed my dreams of marrying the right man and building a future. He’d taken my options away by selfishly lying to get everything he wanted. That’s not the way a relationship worked. Why had he left me out in the cold so many damn times?
“When my mother died, I used to sit in my room wearing her silk robe for hours because it smelled like her. It was pink with lace and never stayed on her shoulders. I was nine and already had shoulders that fit inside. I didn’t care that it made me appear questionable to my father. He even asked if I was gay. I couldn’t blame him because it started off as her robe, then her cardigan sweaters, her coats, her slippers… It had nothing to do with the items and everything to do with having her scent wrapped around me. Anything that eased the pain just a little and brought her closer. When he threatened to burn her things, I went in there and packed up her clothes to move them into my room. I wore every single thing in that trunk until nothing was left. Then I climb in and slept in it because it was the only thing I had left. Because her things were stored in it, the trunk had absorbed the smell.”
He paused moving his hand and held me.
“When that was gone, I delved deep into depression for a few weeks. Then Martina crawled into my lap and looked up at me with the most innocent eyes. I knew that I wanted to keep her from ever feeling the way I did. So, I made it a point to make sure that every day she felt love from me and Max. She knows she’s got us wrapped around her little finger. Loving her drowned out the sorrow of missing my mother. Then, last week, I came over and she’d finished laundry. She asked me to carry the basket into the living room for her and as soon as I did, I was transported back to the moment when I slipped on that pink lace robe. When I asked her what she’d washed her clothes in, she’d told me that she was looking for a new softener and found one that felt like home.”
His voice cracked at the end but I didn’t dare move to see if he was okay. I wanted to hear the rest of the story. It seemed necessary for him to tell.
“She’s never met my mother. Shouldn’t know what she smells like, but somehow she does. When she showed me the bottle, it was very familiar but I know the logo and style has changed over the years. Regardless, I’d know that scent from anywhere. Then, last night while I was holding you, I smelled something familiar. Something I hadn’t smelt since my mother was alive.”
I lifted my head to see him. What was he talking about? Beni lifted my wrist and smelled it.
“White Diamond.” He sniffed it again. “But not…”
I smiled. “Ambrette de Noir. My grandmother used to wear White Diamonds and I love it. It took awhile to find something comparable, but when I found this… It reminded me of her and also me, too. So, I got it. It’s expensive, but a treat I do for myself.”
