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The order taken, the server hurried off, and Gabe returned his attention to Oliver who was nervously poking at the stem of his martini glass.
“You know RS Publishing is my dad’s company, right?”
Gabe laughed and rolled his eyes. “I do now. I didn’t before, or that’s the last place I would have taken a contract from. But the offer was the best one I got, considering.”
“Considering?”
“The topic. It’s not exactly mainstream, so being offered an advance at all was pretty shocking.”
“Your story is compelling,” Oliver argued. “I mean, vaguely based on real life events, you made brand new characters come to life. It was impressive.”
“Yeah well, you were always easily impressed,” Gabe said, then took a drink as if to stop himself from saying more. “But thank you. I…I guess I was hoping some day you might actually read it, you know? Maybe not like this, but…”
Oliver gave a soft laugh. “Yeah. I reckon the end was one of those fuck yous. Look how brilliant my life is, I hope yours is shit.”
“Jesus, Ollie,” Gabe all-but whispered, and Oliver’s throat instantly burned with the desire to break down and sob. “That…that wasn’t what it was about. I just couldn’t bear to write an ending which left them miserable. I didn’t want to tell everyone that at the end of things, when you lose your first love, you lose everything for so long.”
Oliver shook his head. “I deserved it, though. I think about what I did, what you went through and…I…” He swallowed thickly. “I could have done things so much better, and I didn’t.”
“You could have, but at the time you were suffering, and your sibling had almost died. I wanted to help, but I didn’t know how.”
Oliver looked down at his hands, clasping them in front of his drink, and bit down on his lip so hard, it nearly broke the skin. “There wasn’t anything you could have done. I was a person who couldn’t be helped by anyone but myself. He’s better though. Leo.” He chanced a look up and saw Gabe smile softly. “Getting his graduate degree in psychology at Stanford.”
“So, he came back too?”
Oliver nodded. “He spent a year in rehab. I spent a year in intensive therapy. Got my dissertation finished and defended. Right after that, my dad offered me a job, and honestly it was then I realized the only place I felt at home was here.”
Gabe looked at him, his entire face gone soft. “So here you are.”
“Here I am,” he said, feeling a mixture of thrilled and miserable. He wanted so desperately to ask if Gabe had moved on. If the ending of his book was true and that he’d someone amazing. But he was too afraid of the answers. “You look like you’ve done well for yourself. Teaching and all that.”
“I can’t believe I actually got sucked into it, to be honest,” Gabe said with a slight chuckle. He quieted as the hummus and vegetables were set on the table, but neither of them bothered to reach for any. “I nearly bailed on the whole idea, but my aunt talked me into it right before she died.”
Oliver sucked in his breath. “Oh. I’m so sorry.”
Gabe shook his head. “It’s alright. I mean, I was sad, of course. She was everything to me, but I think she’d be proud of where I am today.”
“Of course she is,” Oliver said, almost harshly. “Who wouldn’t be. A fantastic job, a book on the way. If the ending is at all realistic, you found someone to make you happy…”
Laughing, Gabe shook his head. “Subtle, Ollie. You could have just come out and asked.”
Oliver flushed and shrugged his shoulders. “Seemed impolite.”
“When have you ever cared about polite? I know three years hasn’t changed you that much,” Gabe challenged, reaching for a carrot and poking it in his direction. He swiped it in the hummus, then took a bite and spoke around it. “And no, that part was fantasy. I had a few on and off relationships, but it’s hard for me, being gay and trans. It’s not the friendliest environment. Not everyone was immediately willing to see me exactly as I am instead of what I should be.”
Oliver felt his gut twist, and a bit of hate for anyone who had ever made Gabriel feel othered. He might have pined for him, but he hadn’t been lying—to himself or to anyone else—when he had said he wanted Gabe to find someone who made him happy.
“I’m sorry everyone’s shit. But if it makes you feel better, the one person I dated after you, crashed and burnt so badly, I think I still have singe marks.”
Gabe rolled his eyes. “Why would that make me happy? I meant what I said. Ididn’t want you to be miserable.”
“Hard not to think that,” Oliver said, his tongue moving faster than his brain, “when I did what I did.” He stopped and took a breath. “I’ve been miserably in love with you for the last three years, and well…I guess I just assumed you had wanted that for me.”
Gabe dropped the cucumber he was holding. “Ollie…”
“I’m not here hoping you’ll give me another chance,” Oliver said in a rush. “Fuck, I shouldn’t have even said that, but I could never lie to you. I just…I wanted to make sure you were happy. To let you know that book made me so bloody proud of you, and I just…I’m sorry. For how it all happened.”
Gabe took a long drink of his beer, then sighed. “It’s alright. I don’t think you’ve got some dastardly ulterior motive or anything. And for what it’s worth, you seem a lot better, and I’m proud of you, too. You and Leo both.”
