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“Why the fuck am I worth a dollar less now?” I ask.
“That’s just the way this business works,” he says as he cradles his rifle while Valerie continues smacking him. Then he kicks the shoe she’s smacking him with so perfectly that it flies over the car, off the bridge, and into the oncoming traffic below.
“I like this guy,” I realize.
Asmodeus gives me a huge smile. “I love you too. This one,” he points at Valerie, “not so much. So, I have a discounted deal today only that I will be your personal bodyguard for the low, low price of ten dollars an hour.”
“Well, that’s a steal,” I say as I look to August. “We are one hundred percent going to get scammed.”
“Sounds like it,” he mutters.
“Wonderful!” Asmodeus says.
Since he’s still on the ground, I give him an air pat. “But your name has to go. I’m sorry, but I only allow one percent of my brain power to be put into other people and your name is dreadfully long. What’s your middle name?”
“Death.”
“Oh, that’s so sweet,” I say.
August, the politest man in the world, even looks uncertain. “Yeah… sweet. Do you like nicknames? What about Deus? I mean… that kind of works.” Why August thinks “Dee-us” is better than Death, I’m not sure.
Deus smiles. “I love it! Now my first order of business is protecting my two favorite clients. Shall I hang her from the bridge?” he asks as he picks Valerie up and hurries over to the edge.
“Put medown,” she growls, prepared to inflict murder.
He is absolutely oblivious as he looks to me. “Master?”
I touch my chest just to clarify it was me he was talking to because me likey. “Oh? Oooh. I like the sound of that. I suppose you can’t murder her. I kind of like her.”
Deus nods as Valerie beats him with her other shoe which he yanks out of her hand and chucks off the bridge to join the other one. “Understood. I could silence her by cutting her tongue out if it’s just her physical presence you enjoy?”
“Umm… tempting but no. Thank you.”
There’s a fond smile on Deus’s face as he puts her back on her socked feet and hurries off toward the car. He gets into the back seat as Valerie glowers at me. Atme,like I tossed her fucking ugly shoes off the bridge and threatened her life! Technically, I saved her life because if I’d have accidently given him permission, she’d have just… plop…
“What? I like him. Don’t you like him, August?” I ask.
“He seems…” August stares at the man in the back seat. “Dependable.”
I hand Valerie the invoice before getting into the car next to Deus.
“Get out of the car,” Valerie growls at him.
Deus turns to me. “I will actually do a discount if I can kill her,” he says, holding his rifle with a very cheery smile on his face. It’s obvious he’s a serial killer. It is one hundred percent clear that we’ve allowed a sadistic, demon-worshiping serial killer into our lives.
I hesitate, just in case August wants to be like “Well, I suppose she’s run her course” but he doesn’t, so I’m forced to shake my head. “Sorry.”
“That’s okay! There are other ways to get rid of people,” he says as he pulls out a creepy little straw doll. “What’s her full name?”
“Valerie.”
“No last name?”
“I can’t imagine,” I say.
“Okay!” He writes “Valerie” across the doll and then stabs it with a pin. “It’s fun. Here, you try.”
I take it from him. “Did I just join a cult?”
