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“Donati,” he says, raising his eyebrows at him.
“Can we speak alone?” Donati asks me.
My eyes find Vicente’s. I wonder if I’m safe to be left alone with this man. Vicente clasps my hand between his. “You’ll be okay.” He kisses my temple. “I’ll be nearby if you need me.”
He puts the glass down on the coffee table in front of me before he leaves the room.
Donati clears his throat, rubbing his hands together. He appears to be nervous, which seems backward.
“So, uh.” He sighs like he’s frustrated with himself. “I’m not really sure how to start.”
“From the beginning,” I say, repeating what my mom used to always tell me when I would be stuttering through an excuse for something I had done.
Donati smiles. “Right. The beginning.” After a deep breath, he says, “I met your mom when I was thirty. She was several years younger than me, but I fell in love with her almost instantly.”
My jaw drops. “Excuse me? You know my mom?”
He frowns a little. “I used to. She wouldn’t give me the time of day,” he says with a laugh. “It took nearly a year for her to go on a date with me, but that night we hit it off. It was how the movies describe, sparks and fireworks and all the chemistry you could think of.” His smile fades. “I was already in this life, you know? I was always in it. My uncle was made and I started off young as an errand boy, and did little jobs. Nothing important. When I was in my twenties, I took on bigger roles, but I wasn’t really in. I don’t know if you’re following.”
I nod. “I think I got it.”
“I never told your mom what I was into. She didn’t know about my work, because I lied and said I was a salesman. I knew she’d leave if she knew the truth, and it took so long to get her to even agree to one date. We were happy. I figured we could keep it up.
“However, I was moving up. Things were hot back then. Pretty dangerous, you know? Men were getting killed left, right, and center. The underboss at the time was murdered in the street. A wife got blown up in a car bomb. A capo’s son was run over.” I flinch and he stops. “Well, you get the point. Nine months into our relationship, I was made. My uncle was my sponsor and I was making decent money.” He must see the confusion on my face. “Well, none of that matters. Once I was made, the shit in the streets continued to escalate, the cops were all over us and people were getting arrested or murdered.
“I was out with your mom one day, and we were seen by someone who I didn’t want to know about her. You see, families can complicate things. Your enemies and the cops use your family to get to you. I knew at that moment that I couldn’t stay with her. She would become another innocent victim. I was bringing her in unaware of what she was walking into, and it wasn’t fair. I broke up with her the next day.”
Silence sits heavy for a while before I say, “Okay, so…” I trail off, my mind running with wild ideas but also weighed down by my confusion.
“You see, she was pregnant.”
My heart skitters to a halt and I sit up straight. “She was…when were you together?”
“She was twenty-one when she was pregnant.”
I stare at him, my body perfectly still as my heart gallops in my chest and my brain works overtime to comprehend what he’s saying.
“I had to protect her. And you. I thought I was doing the right thing.”
I shoot to my feet. “Are you saying you’re my father?”
He stands as well. “I am.”
A noise bursts out of me. It’s a mix between a sob and a laugh. My emotions are all over the place, making me feel crazy. I want to cry and I’m not sure if it’s because I’m happy, angry, relieved or disappointed.
Tears fall from my eyes and I angrily swipe at them as I make my way behind the couch.
“She never told me about you.”
He shakes his head. “She wouldn’t. Your mother was angry when she found out the truth. After I broke it off, I didn’t tell her why. Not the truth, anyway. She didn’t believe my lies. She was devastated. We were having a child together, and she was planning a future with me that I cut short. A few months after you were born, I showed back up. She didn’t even want to let me in, but eventually she did. I held you in my arms for half an hour before she took you away and told me to get out unless I was willing to step in to be the father you deserved. I left.
“I came back when you were turning one. There were balloons and streamers all over the place. She looked so happy until she saw me there. Your mother demanded I tell her why I left if I cared so much to keep coming back. So, I did. She was shocked and angry. She had heard about the mafia killings on the news, and knew it was dangerous. She didn’t want me coming around anymore, and wouldn't accept my money any longer either. She wanted a clean break to keep you safe, and it’s the one thing we agreed on. She knew, deep down, that I did what was right. We said goodbye on your first birthday, and I held you one last time. You handed me a doll you were playing with.”
Donati walks to his desk and unlocks a drawer. He holds up a ratty old doll dressed in pink and blue, the hair made of yarn. It’s maybe a foot long.
“Your mom said I could keep it because you’d be getting new ones later that day.”
I put my hand over my mouth and cry. “I can’t…I can’t believe this.”
