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“Holston—”
“We’ll be at your ship in a few hihors.”
I let out a sigh of relief.
SIX
holston
All right, so sex with women?
I mean, I’d done it.
I hadn’t had a number of partners. Five total, three of which were just random flings, back when I was young, when I kept trying it out just to see if I could figure out whatever it was I was supposed to be missing about it all, and I never really could and gave up on it.
Two of them were girlfriends, longterm things.
My longest girlfriend and I had been together for about four gecycles. She left me because she didn’t like that I would go off out in the woods and leave her alone for fogemoons at a time. She got lonely. She got so lonely she found her way into other guys’ beds. More than one.
At the time, I blamed her.
It’s easy to be really self-righteous about that kind of thing, and everyone’s always on your side when you were the one that was faithful, and she was the one that cheated.
But then… I don’t know, time passed, and I thought more and more about it, and I felt more and more like it wasn’tallher fault. She should have made different decisions. She should have left me earlier. But I shouldn’t have abandoned her like I did.
What was she supposed to do with a relationship with a man who was gone half the time? How was she supposed to feel about being left alone?
I didn’t prioritize her, that was the thing.
This.
The outdoors.
Hunting.
Being in the woods alone.
It’s always been my most important thing. Nothing is as good as this. Nothing.
And if I was honest with myself, it was partly because sex with women was… I mean, it was good, right, but it was never… I could take it or leave it. It often seemed like a lot of effort to me for not so much payoff.
My girlfriend, she wanted more intimacy, too. She said it wasn’t about sex necessarily, but that she liked us having sex, liked the pleasure of it, but what she really liked was us close and connected.
I think… and she never said this, but I think what she liked was that when we were fucking, she was the only thing I was focused on, and I can’t say I felt like that most of the time.
She…
I loved her, but I thought of her as a sort of accent to my life. Like, not the meat of life, but the side dish. I could survive without a girlfriend, right? I could survive without sex. It was nice to have, but when it demanded sacrifices from me? Well, the sacrifices weren’t worth it, so I didn’t make them.
And that’s why she cheated on me.
Because she could tell that she didn’t matter enough to me.
I didn’t know why I was thinking about this while I was driving this speeder up to Cypra’s ship. I had a feeling that she and I were kind of the same in this way, though. Like, Cypra needed to get to that ship. The resistance was really important to her.
She’d made sacrifices for the resistance, see? It mattered to her.
Similarly, while I never made sacrifices for my girlfriend, I definitely made sacrifices to be out here hunting.
