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It had been brutal.
Just…
But it was instinct. My body was forcing me to do this for the survival of my species. We’d evolved this way to counter-balance our high mortality rates, so to my mating instinct, little things like whether I consented or she consented didn’t matter. To my mating instinct, when she struggled, I liked it more, because liking struggling ensured that I didn’t stop for struggling, that I bred her no matterwhat.
Gross.
I was out of control.
But I was capable of noticing that, commenting on it, thinking about it.
And yet, still, somehow incapable of stopping.
Maybe that’s not true,said an oily voice at the back of my brain.Maybe you could stop. Maybe it’s only that this is what you really are, something selfish and driven by pleasure.
When Gillifa—my girlfriend, the one who cheated on me—asked me to sacrifice for her, asked me to make her my priority, who did I pick?
Did I pick her?
No. I picked hunting. I picked me.
And now, this woman… I could protect her.
Instead, I was going to make use of her.
Fuck, I was a piece of shit.
Turn the speeder around,I urged myself.
I hit the brakes.
Cypra jerked next to me, gripping the handrest on the side of the speeder. “What’s going on?”
“I’ve changed my mind,” I said. “I’m not doing this. We’re going back. I’m better than this.”
She reached across the speeder and put her hand on my chest. “No. Wait.”
“Look, I get that you’re willing to do whatever it takes to get to that ship, but you’re not turning me into a rapist—or it’s my fault. I’m turningmyselfinto—I’m not doing it.”
“It’s not going to be rape. Stars!” She pressed into me and put her mouth on mine.
I jerked back.
She jerked back too, looking chagrined. “Okay, fine. Fine, then. You’re, it’s all instinct to you, and you probably think I’m some gross human slut or whatever from the way you talk about me. You resent that your body is making you attracted to me against your will. Sorry. My attraction is genuine. Yours isn’t.”
My jaw worked. I furrowed my brow. “Wait. What?”
“I’m not saying any of that again.” She hurled herself across the speeder, shaking her head. She looked out the window. “Fine. Let’s go back, then. This is mortifying. It’s probably… it’s the other way around, I guess. I’m taking advantage of your mating instinct to coerce you. It’s againstyourwill.I’mthe rapist.”
“No, that’s an insane thing to say,” I said.
“Well, look, whatever it is,” she said, “it’s a bad situation for us to be in, and… I don’t want it like this, not really.” She slumped down in the seat. “What you said before, about how we take a little time to look at my implant, make sure it’s working, and to get your suppressant working again, it makes sense. I think I protested so much just because I’ve had some weird fixation with you since the hisec you said that thing to me about how my pussy was wet and you could smell it.”
“That was disgusting that I said that,” I said. “That was… that was the first clue that something waswrongwith me.”
“I know,” she said. “Believe me, I know. I’m not exactly proud of being turned on by that. I think… the truth is, I’ve just let it go too long. Sex is a basic need for all people, and I’ve been neglecting myself, and now I’m having this utterly inappropriate reaction to you, and it’ll be better if we…” She groaned. “Oh, stars, just turnaround. I’m going to stoptalking.” She put both of her hands over her face.
“Hey,” I said, my voice going gentle. “You don’t have to be embarrassed. This is all me.”
