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“Why do you think that?” Huff asks with a short tone.
“Because you always put me last.” I hold up my palms. “Not complaining. Just stating the facts.” Something I learned from Sam. You can say the truth—good or bad—and not make it about bragging or getting sympathy. The truth is what it is.
“How can you say that?” he asks. “All I think about is you—what I can do to make sure nothing bad happens. Ensuring you get to live your dreams. I always put youfirst.”
Wrong. He only thinks he puts me first. Like a typical male, Huff gets an idea in his head of what’s right, but he refuses to listen to the people around him who are supposedly benefitting from his magnanimous decisions.
But here’s the truth: The night I was attacked less than a year ago by Blake, Huff did show up to stop him. For that, I’ll be forever grateful. But from that point on, it’s like Huff stopped hearing me.Reallyhearing me. All of a sudden, he was obsessed with being my savior.
Example: Later that night, Blake and his buddies nabbed us just outside the dorms. They drove us to these secluded woods, and Huff got it in his head to martyr himself:“Do what you want to me, Blake—I’ll even help you, but leave River alone.”
In Huff’s head, it was his way of saving me. But during the drive, one of Blake’s friends, who sat next to me in the backseat, was texting his girlfriend—a sorority sister of mine. He literally said that Blake just wanted to scare us. Blake was terrified I’d go to the police and press charges for the assault incident.
I wasn’t about to let Blake off for what he did, but when I tried to tell Huff, he ignored me and kept babbling to Blake about giving his life to save me. Huff was the one who gave Blake the idea to kill him. Huff convinced Blake he could get away with it.
That was when everything went sideways. Blake tied a huge rock to Huff’s neck and pushed him into that pond. The rest is history, but since then, Huff hasn’t stopped trying to rescue me and martyr himself.
I don’t need a hero, I need an equal, a man who sees me as his partner.But with Huff, he thinks that unless he makes the ultimate sacrifice, I won’t understand how much he cares.
Wrong. I know he cares. But killing himself isn’t the way to show it.
To me, showing you care means sticking it out. Being there by my side. Fighting for the life we both want. In my opinion, those things prove you love someone. It takes dedication and perseverance to get through tough times.
But dying? That shit’s the easy way out.
We all eventually die, Huff. Don’t you get it? We. All. Die. Someday.And then that’s that. Our time is over. So why not do everything possible to live life while we can? Why not use every resource we’ve got—mental, spiritual, medical, financial, and social—to spend our finite number of days with the people who’re worth our love? Why not fight to leave this world a better place than we found it?
I mean, it’s just like Sam said: What the hell do we have to lose if death is the worst outcome, and it’s going to happen anyway?
“Huff, I appreciate that you care so deeply for me. But I want a life with someone who gets it.”
“Gets what?”
I inhale slowly and gaze into his eyes. “Love is everything.”
Huff
Love is everything?I crinkle my nose.What? Is she a Hallmark card now?“So what’s your definition of love?”
“I don’t know, Huff.” River shrugs. “But I can tell you what it’s not. It’s not abandoning the person who loves you most over and over again.”
“So you’re judging me for trying to keep you safe?”
“I’m not judging you.” River shakes her head at her lap, her long dark hair falling around her oval face.
“Aren’t you? Because it sounds like you don’t want me in your life because our definitions of love don’t match up.”
“That’s exactly what I’m saying. We don’t match up, and now I’m starting to believe we never will.”
“Why?” I ask.
“Because you refuse to listen to my definition,” she says.
“But I just asked, and you won’t define it.” I can’t believe we’re arguing about this. I love her. I’d do anything for her, including facing my demons, committing to learn from my past mistakes so she doesn’t end up dead like my sister, and putting her life before my own. “All right. Here’s my definition of love: It’s sacrifice. It’s being terrified that you’ll lose someone. Love is everything good in my life and knowing just how special those things are. It’s wanting to protect them.” Or something like that.
She slowly nods.
“What?” I say.
