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“Where am I in that definition, Huff? Because you just talked about a lot of things, but you forgot the part where you take into consideration what the other person needs. If I’m so damned special, why not includemyfeelings?” She inhales slowly with a sharp exhale. “Sam thinks you’re incapable, that our relationship has always been about you.”
Sam? What the hell does he have to do with us? And why’s she confiding in him about our relationship?
River continues, “It’s something I’ve only recently begun to understand. You look to me for support, for friendship, for love, but the moment I ask for anything, you don’t listen. I never wanted you to protect me. I didn’t want you to sacrifice your life for mine. I wanted to fight and for you to be by my side, not treat me like a child who’s your responsibility. Get it?”
“Did Sam say that, too?” I ask bitterly.
“Sam listens to me, and he’s helped be realize a lot of things about myself. If you did the same, we might not be having this conversation.”
I clamp my lips together, physically restraining my idiot mouth from speaking before I’ve had a chance to think. I don’t like the fact that this Sam person has injected himself into her head, but River’s smart, and she’s usually right about this kind of stuff—especially my blind spots—so I can’t dismiss what she’s saying because of him.
After Joy died, I was forced to live in self-perpetuated isolation. I felt guilty because I didn’t try to save her, and my family was too busy grieving to notice how alone I was. Later, I started at a new high school, but I saw everyone as people who “just couldn’t understand” or couldn’t be trusted.
Fast-forward to college, and nothing really changed. River pushed me to come to her university, and I was determined to make a fresh start, but my past followed me. I was still Huff, the little brother of Joy who was murdered. All about me. My past. My pain.
So is it true, do I only think I’m being selfless when in reality I’m only doing whatIthink is best?
River pats my leg. “I know your heart’s always in the right place, but it’s not enough for me, Huff.”
“I get it. I have to change. I’m just not sure how.”
“Huff, let me ask you this: What does change look like? I mean, if you could cook up your perfect life, what would be the ingredients?”
“Easy. I get to be with you. I finish my law degree and fight for all the people who went through what my family did.” Joy’s killers avoided responsibility for years. We finally got justice, but it was a long battle that nearly destroyed all of us.
“That’s it? That’s all you want?” River asks.
“I wouldn’t mind keeping this body. Being able to lift buses with my pinky and never needing a plane ticket again are pretty cool.”
“But what about the quality of your life, Huff? Is it low-key? Is it busy and always in the public eye? Do you want more than you can handle, or is everything manageable?” she asks.
“I want peace in my life, but I want to know my existence has meaning. I want to fight for what I believe in, but I don’t think the cost should be the lives of everyone I love.”
“So you want to be with me. Check. And if you can treat me as your equal, then you have me. Just requires you to listen and weigh in my needs, too. Next, you want to be a lawyer. Good. All you need is a university who’ll take you. With your GPA, that shouldn’t be a problem. So check that box, also. Hopefully, that’ll lead to helping people you feel empathy for, so let’s assume that works out. Next is your body. I can’t see it changing after eight months, which I can’t say disappoints me. You were attractive before, but the added terrain is pretty nice. Granted, I’d take you either way. So that just leaves the quality of your life.”
“Just that?” Seems like a big hurdle.
“It’s like Sam told me: if you want peace here,” she presses her hand to my heart, “then you have to find it here.” She points to my head.
Sam again.I’m going to have to meet this guy and punch his head. I really don’t like that he’s had an influence on her. Who is he?
River adds, “Ultimately, it’s up to you, Huff.”
“How’s it up to me,” I say, “when I can’t control Morris any more than I can control the weather?”
“Exactly. You can’t control if some madman holds a city hostage. You can’t change the fact someone will always be out to do you wrong. You can’t change any of that. So what? Are you really going to let them ruin your life and rob you of every opportunity to be happy? No. No you won’t.
“So here’s where you sit.” She holds up her hand, counting down with her fingers. “You get to decide your quality of life. You’re in control no matter what comes. You have me as long as you take my needs into account. You can go back to school and finish your degree if you want because no one’s stopping you. So, as far as I’m concerned, the only thing standing in the way of your perfect life isyou.”
“I can’t run off to go back to school and walk away from this disaster I created with Morris.”
“Yes, you can. Because Morris created it, not you. He gave those drugs to people at our school. He decided to hold Paris, LA, and Atlanta hostage. Not you. Just…walk away, Huff. Don’t give him what he wants.”
“But people are going to die, River.”
“Do you believe Morris can produce enough of that stuff to keep millions of people from dying for three months?”
“No. Not likely.” He was probably working for months to make the batches he put into the water. It had to be a lot of juice.
