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“And Sterling has made it clear to me that as far as he is concerned, no judgement for what you choose to do. Hewillunderstand. Andyouare very pragmatic.”
“My pragmatism doesn’t extend to gee, my husband and mate is probably dying in July, better get a head start on this new cock!” I shouted. “My pragmatism doesn’t extend to I went intoheat and lost my mind. And I’ve seen Sterling recently, and he’s not nearly as pragmatic about this as you’d think! But I guess you haven’t talked to him recently, have you. The last time you discussed this with him I’ll bet he was high as a kite on ketamine while I was actively dying and he was willing to take whatever terms you offered him!”
Demetrius didn’t answer, but at least his scent was repentant.
And that hurt too. He couldn’t even do me the favor of smelling like he didn’t give a fuck, and I needed to accept my new reality.
My shattered heart found a few new ways to break, then fling itself into a boiling broth of guilt.
I had done this to myself.
Miserable and grieving, I said, “It’s all very nice words until it actually happens, isn’t it? I lost control and did something I regret, and I wish I could take back, but I can’t. I’m not making excuses for what I did. I’m sick of everyone telling me how I should think, or how I should feel. BecauseIthink that everyone says that to absolve themselves of how badlytheyfeel.Thisis what I think.Thisis what I feel. No one gets to make excuses for me.”
They could live with it, like I would.
I pulled my wrist away and went upstairs to find Searle.
Searle stoodwhen I walked into the room.
The vial’s box sat on the nightstand.
Searle looked worse for wear. Like he’d spent the better part of two days alternately pacing and puking his guts up. Which maybe he had. I caught a look of my own reflection in the mirror behind the door. I looked like absolute trash: thin, gray, limp-haired, sunken-eyed.
Basically: like I felt.
Searle didn’t move, except his fingers flexed. Had he been chewing on his paws? “I am sorry.”
An apology? How sincere was that? A little, perhaps? Or maybe he was angry at himself for losing control.
I’d been the one who had grabbed him and started crawling on him and grinding my crotch on his dick while smelling like a giant flashing neonCOCKS : ENTER HEREsign.
“You were in heat,” Searle said by way of explanation. Or excuse.
“That sounds like a polite way of sayingderanged and out of my mind.”
“You were.”
I gulped around the raw spot in the base of my throat. “You’re not actually sorry.”
He said nothing.
What didsorrymean, anyway? Same thing assafeordeal with it? And did it matter? How he’d told melet me help you, it doesn’t have to be this way?How he’d whispered to my deranged mind? How he’d told me (in meaning, if not words) to stop being stupid and just let him put his cock in me?
I cut off the train of thought. It didn’t matter now. It was too late. And the only thing left was getting to July. I had to get to July. Now not so I could be reunited with Sterling, but to confess, then to use the relic to free him. He didn’t have to be stuck with me. And he deserved so much better.
Me? I got Searle. And it was what I deserved at this point. Gaia was a cruel bitch: I ended up with the designer feral prince from my most absurd fantasies. “You’ll get your wish. He told me to do whatever I wanted with you, but I don’t think he meant it. I think he wanted to mean it, but he can’t.”
Searle’s eyes narrowed slightly. “If he manages to survive and refuses to take you back for a minor incident while you were in raging heat, he is a fool.”
“Well, Sterling’s a principled bastard, you know.”
“Quite. But you shouldn’t feel bad for what you did.”
“I told Demetrius to stop telling me how to feel. You can stop too.” A raging heat didn’t excuse what I’d done. Icouldhave chosen to lock myself somewhere else. I could have… done something… to mitigate the risk. I should have anticipated Searle taking his chance. He was agoddamn predator. But I’d gone along with thedon’t disturb the pack more than they already are.
Still Winter. Still trying so hard to be a good little she-wolf, even when I knew I shouldn’t. Even when I didn’t want or mean to be.
Searle’s soft voice intruded on my thoughts. “Fine. Then I’m going to suggest what you should think.”
