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“I always wanted you. From the beginning. But I knew the chances of having you as mine were fucking worse than zero. I was no one, but my plan was to keep you safe and to become someone.”
I breathe deeply, trying to fill the crevices that have formed inside my lungs from keeping things locked inside of me. “I was always working in the Coghlan house for a reason. All along, from day one. Meeting you and falling for you were never part of my plan. But then I got this idea. Maybe, just fucking maybe, I could have it all. Including something... meaningful with you.”
Sadness darkens her face. Brittle words follow as her eyes drift down between us. “I know you want a role in the mob... the money. The recognition. I don’t know what you wanted more, but it’s all the same sick, dark thing. The idea of the life does that to men. Lures them in, poisons their blood. You’re not alone in that. But truthfully, it breaks my heart to think of you like that. I like remembering you as who you were, or some enigma I created in my mind.”
“I’m still that man, but if you hear me out on this, things will be much clearer. I didn’t just want a role. I wantedtherole. The one that would let me do what I really craved—” I’m interrupted by the ringtone of my phone.
Niall.
“I’m sorry. I have to take this, but I need you to be really quiet. And I need you to trust me to explain as soon as I’m done. Please.”
She nods and I answer and put my ear to the phone.
“What?”
“Well, well, if it isn’t the new boss’s favorite,” his nasally voice comes through the phone and slithers down my spine and I feel like I just want to scrub myself clean.
“What do you want? I’m busy. I don’t have time for has-beens.”
“Fuck you. I just wanted to let you know that we are on time for you to take over the job. You know, the one you are stealing from me. You just have to come by tomorrow evening and sign a couple of papers and that’s it.”
Disgust widens Carra eyes. Her color bleaches pale. She pushes back and tries to get away from me, smacking at me wildly as she tries to get to her feet. She can hear both sides of the conversation, and clearly, she knows who and what Niall is. Of course, she would.
“I’ll be there,” I state before turning off the phone and holding her to me.
Shrill as a siren, she screams at my face, “I don’t want you toEVERget near Finn again! If you do, I’ll... I’ll call the police. The feds. I don’t know who, but I’ll put you behind bars so fast—”
I snare her wrists. “Love, listen to me. You promised to let me explain.”
“Explain?Explain?What could there possibly be that would explain this? Trafficking? You make me sick.”
She tugs against me, terror making her strong. I have to control her legs and her arms, using my size to restrain her.
“Carra, Max and Eva are federal agents. I needed to get inside the human trafficking ring. The place where I can have the most impact—”
Every muscle in her body is tense. Her head is shaking in denial. She is cut off from reality at the moment, numb, shocked. I have to get through to her.
“You’re a monster, you’re a monster. How can I love a monster? You’re a monster.” I don’t think she even realizes she is saying the words out loud. Over and over and over...
I hook on the word love like a fish. She loves me? As much as I wish that to be true, I also know she is right. No matter what, I am a monster.
Regardless, I need her to hear me out. She needs to understand what is happening.
“Carra, listen to what I’m saying. Max and Eva are federal agents that specialize in organized crime. I’m undercover, I’m a plant inside your father’s deepest, darkest catacombs.”
She’s panting. Wild eyed. I pull her toward me, wrap my fingers around the back of her neck and bring her face right to mine. “Take a breath... In...” I watch her struggling but trying to obey. “Out...” she blows out a breath.
“Good. Again, in...” We both inhale deeply, her following my lead and my tempo. “Out...” we both blow air out slowly.
We repeat this a few times until her eyes lose some of their wildness. Until she feels like she is here, with me, instead of lost in her head.
“Good girl. Now, sweetheart, let me say this again, because I feel you didn’t hear me before. Listen carefully, okay?” I enunciate my words slowly.
She nods but her fight or flight response is still very much on. One wrong word and I’ll lose her again. I have to make this count.
“I’m working for the feds. I’m not going to traffic anyone. I never was. But I’m going to shred your father’s world so badly it will never recover. And it starts tomorrow evening when we take Niall down. I don’t even have to be there, okay? Max’s men will handle everything.”
“Max?” Her brow is furrowed. “Feds?” Her eyes fly to the door from which we came. As if her answers are there. Or the people we are talking about. But we’re alone here.
