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Gruff, I say, “I’m a lot of things. Violent. Mean. Scarred. Damaged. Maybe more than a little fucking crazy, but cool is not one of them.”
She tugs my shirt sharply. “You’ll have to try harder than that to convince me. And if I’m right, you’ll never be able to convince him.”
My retort dies on my tongue, and instead I focus on the first hurdle. “How are we going to tell Finn that I'm his father?”
That catches her eyes and brings them back up to mine. The soft light in her eyes cinches the band around me tighter, but somehow doesn’t just choke me, it holds me together. Solemnly, she says, “I don’t know. But I think we’ll know when the time is right. Maybe after the wedding.”
I nod woodenly as I become acutely aware of the knot inside my stomach that resembles fear. Funny how I thought I was fearless until people that I love and want to love me come onto the scene. Whole different fucking ball game.
What if Finn doesn’t want anything to do with me?
That question wedges itself like an unpinned grenade inside my head. “Good. I’ll need that long to figure out what to say.”
CHAPTERFORTY-THREE
It’s a short walk through the gardens on a curving path to the guest house. As soon as we arrive, I’m struck by how the place already seems like home in just a day. Kids toys and discarded sweatshirts are tossed over the space, the kitchen is filled with amazing aromas, and the hearty gales of laughter fill it to the eaves.
“Sounds like someone’s having fun,” I say as Kieran holds the door open for me because I have a big tray of cookies in my hands.
He leans over me and grabs one from beneath the cloth napkin I used to cover the mountain of chocolate chip cookies. “Hey you!”
He smiles around the cookie and murmurs, “My tip for holding the door.”
I’m glad to see him relaxed again. He grew distant while we hurried four trays of cookies through the double ovens. I understand.
My heart sank, thinking about the tough conversation we need to have with Finn. How do you tell a seven-year-old boy that his long absent father is now here?
Nothing’s easy about this. But for now, we just need to concentrate on everyone getting to know each other. We’ll take it slow and easy.
In some ways, it feels so natural. I’ve known them all forever. But it will take time for Marcus and Kieran to bond, if they ever do. And Nikki... she looks at him like he’s a dangerous wild animal, only to be trusted when a fence is between them.
Ariel will help bridge them, though. She’s known Kieran for as long as I have. Together, we’ll figure it out.
For now, Finn’s wellbeing is what matters. His happiness. So, these little get-togethers are a great start.
“Cha-cha, you’re here!” My little boy runs at me, and I have to set the tray down the second I get near the kitchen island.
As soon as I let go, I’m immediately enveloped by his little arms. I hug him back fiercely as his brothers and sisters join us and take turns hugging me with choruses of “Cha-cha.”
Michael asks, “What did you bring, Cha-cha? Can I have some?”
“Not until after the pizza,” I tell him while I lift the cloth to show the load of cookies waiting for them.
When I finally look away from the little ones, Finn is hugging Kieran. Looking at them breaks my heart in half. They lost so much time.
“Kieran, I’m so happy you’re here.” Finn’s smile lights up the whole room.
Kieran is showing a thousand and one emotions on his face, but the biggest one is awe.
“Me too, little man. Carra said you asked me to come. Thank you. I’m honored.” He has crouched down to be closer to Finn’s size. His hand on his son’s shoulder and Finn’s eyes on him as if he hung the moon above.
“Do you like chocolate chip cookies? I believe we brought one or two with us,” teases Kieran with a sly smile on his face. I can tell he is nervous, but he is also loving every second of this moment. His first real moment with his son, just the two of them.
“One or two? That won’t even be enough for me. What will everyone else eat, then?” His cute little face is scrunched up, probably wondering if he’ll even get to taste any or plotting how to get his share.
“I’m kidding, little man. We bought enough for everyone and a few to spare.” Kieran winks at Finn.
“Phew, good. I was feeling bad for everyone else. Cha-cha's cookies are delicious, and I won’t share.” He’s so serious when he says this. I have to cover my mouth to avoid the threatening bubbling laughter from bursting out of me.
