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The next day, as Dad and I sit watching Will, Dad lets out a long sigh and gives me a tired smile.
“So, are you going to tell me why you haven’t told Will that you are attending Columbia this fall?” Dad gives me a long look and I can tell that he has no idea why I wouldn’t tell Will. Nobody but me gets it, but that is probably because nobody but me has their heart hanging in the balance.
“I just don’t see how it matters.” I say, providing a non-answer I know he won’t accept. I know I will eventually have to give him a real answer, but I’m not sure I can stand the pitying look my dad will give me when he hears my feelings.
“You two are dating, right?” My Dad looks even more confused now. I guess it isn’t like me to keep secrets, but I’ve also never been someone to have a summer fling. I don’t know the protocol for telling my summer fling about my post summer plans.
“Yes, but just for the summer. What if I tell him and he still breaks up with me or laughs at me or thinks I’m just going there to stay with him?” I stop speaking, but inside I continue to ramble. I can hardly imagine a situation in which I tell Will, and the conversation doesn’t go terribly wrong. He will think I’m typical, or that I’m following him, or that it is inconvenient that he can’t just leave me and my memory in a swamp.
“Do you want to be with Will when you are in New York? You’ll be in a new place with lots of new people. You might meet someone.” Dad offers, and I know immediately that I’m not interested in the idea of someone new, but the question has me suddenly wondering about how Dad feels about the whole Will situation. Did he not like me and Will together?
“I can’t imagine ever meeting someone that compares to Will.” I sigh, and I wish it wasn’t so true, but I can hardly expect every man I meet in New York to be a sexy writer who annoys the hell out of me, but also makes me want to kiss them endlessly. That seems a bit too high of a hope.
“You are young, Hannah. You might be surprised by what’s out there.”
“Don’t you like Will?” I ask because he had never made me question it before, but he is definitely trying to push me down a different path now.
“Of course I do, but that doesn’t mean I like him for you. You two want different things.” Dad looks at me softly and I see that he is just trying to protect me, but at this point, I’m past protection.
“Why does everyone say that? I don’t know what I want. I’m still trying to figure that out myself.” That’s not completely true, though. I know one thing that I want. I want Will. No matter how farfetched my dad, or Predatory Susan, or Flynn, or even Will himself think it is, I want him because he is the first person since Mama died that has made me feel safe.
“I only say it because I would hate for you to give up parts of yourself for someone else.” Dad worries, probably seeing what I haven’t said, but I can’t tell him that I’m not sure there was much of me to lose to begin with. It feels like since Mama died, that I’m a puzzle with mostly missing pieces. It couldn’t hurt to lose a couple more.
“But isn’t love compromise?” I question. Mama had said that to me again and again growing up.
“Yes, but compromise requires both people to give something up.” Dad gives me a long look and I hear what he doesn’t say. Will hasn’t given me anything. That barb strikes home, and I just nod as I try to hold back the tears.
Dad leaves me alone with my thoughts to wander off down the beach and I continue to watch Will. There are only two more weeks left of our trip, only two more weeks with Will. I don’t know how I will live in the same city as him without being with him, but I don’t want to worry about that now. For now, I want to soak up every memory with Will.
Chapter 25
After my talk with Dad, time only seems to move faster, like the end of summer is rushing at me full speed. I’m unsure if it is the sense of impending relationship doom or a desire to savor every last second of summer that has me putting on my bikini when I would normally be going to bed. I slip one of the tees I stole from Will over my head. It hangs to mid-thigh, so it will work as a swim coverup. I sneak downstairs to Will’s room and find the light off. Not deterred, I slip through the door and crawl onto his bed.
“Will, wake up.” I whisper as I touch his chest and he rustles awake. When he sees me, he gives me a slow smile.
“This is just like a dream I had.” He pulls me to straddle his lap. I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t thought about us like this too, but most of the time I knew better than to act out my daydreams.
“Come swimming with me.” I say before I can be distracted by his fingertips swirling along my thighs.
“That is not what you said in my dream.” Will’s hands settle on my waist and the look on his face is a perfect blend of cocky and playful that might as well be my kryptonite.
“Sorry, you didn’t give me my lines beforehand.” I press a kiss to his lips, giving in to the daydream.
“That’s alright, you seem to get the idea.” Will says between kisses as he rolls so he is now pinning me to the bed.
His lips trail from my lips down my throat to the collar of my shirt and when he gets there, he tugs at the collar to place kisses on my chest. His kisses are like electricity dancing along my skin, sending shocks and shivers through my body until I’m breathless.
“Just take it off.” I breathe, wanting more of Will’s kisses and less of my shirt in the way. Honestly, I didn’t want anything in the way.
“That was definitely in the dream.” Will chuckles as he grabs the hem of my shirt, but then his hands still. Confusion and disappointment fill me as a soft smile forms on his face as he rolls off of me and stands up. He shakes his head and scrubs at his face, before offering me his hand to help me up from the bed.
“I think we better take that swim now.” He has a bashful smile on his face as he looks down at me. His cheeks even appear flushed, but it is too dark to tell. My confusion is replaced with a rush of affection. Will stopped for me and somehow that meant more than all the kisses.
Will grabs a pair of his board shorts and slips into the bathroom to change. When he returns, I grab his hand and lead him out of the house and onto the beach. When we reach the tide, I pull off my shirt and race into the waves. I let the cold water chill my overheated skin. Will follows me out past where the waves break. When the water reaches my shoulders, Will pulls me into his arms and I wrap my legs around his waist, my arms around his neck, and rest my head into the crook of his neck. I wish I could stay in his arms forever.
“What do you want out of life, Hannah?”
I take a moment to think before I answer. I can hardly tell him the first thing that came to my mind, which was that I wanted him, so I decide to speak from my brain rather than my heart, or after that make-out session, more likely my hormones.
