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He looks immaculate, he always does to me, but his expression is less guarded than I’ve ever seen before. In truth, he is more disheveled than I have ever seen him before, too. His hair looks as if he has run his fingers through it a million times, his clothes wrinkled, and his left index finger taps away at his thigh incessantly.
“Can I stay with you tonight?” He asks, his eyes searching my face desperately, but I’m not sure what he is looking for. At this point, I’m not sure people will find anything when they look at me. When I look in the mirror, I’m not sure I see anyone staring back at me, at least not anybody I recognize.
I just nod because I’m afraid of what I’ll say if I speak. He walks into my room as I open the door wider before closing it behind him. He doesn’t say anything as he wraps me in a bear hug and pulls me down to the bed with him. He sits up against the headboard and hugs me from behind as I sit between his legs. His chin rests on my head as he takes a deep breath.
“I wish tonight could last forever, Hannah. I don’t want this summer to end.” Will says and there is a longing in his voice that echoes my own.
“Maybe we don’t have to end.” I hope he can’t hear how much of my heart is in those words. Those words are a lifeline thrown in desperation.
“One thousand two hundred and twenty-three miles is too far for communication to bridge.” Will says shaking his head and I’m touched that he, like me, looked up the distance between NYC and Willow Springs. I had too, but mostly to convince Dad that driving up to New York City was a bad idea.
“I don’t think it is.” I say, because the way I feel about Will, he could be on the other side of the world and I would still want him, but distance won’t even be there when I’m in New York. I just need to tell him, and all this heartache will be gone. The confession is on the tip of my tongue when he speaks.
“The distance doesn’t matter, anyway. We were doomed from the start. It is best this way if it ends before it can really start.” The longing in his words is gone, replaced by cold logic. Even his posture stiffens, and the solace I had found in his embrace moments ago is gone.
“What do you mean?” I don’t feel doomed by anything other than his unwillingness to give us a shot.
“We are alike in some ways, Hannah, but mostly we are different. Those differences will wear on us until either one of us loses our self or one of us walks away. I don’t think either of us wants to give up who we are, but if I stay in this relationship any longer, it will break my heart to walk away. It’s a lose-lose situation.” A little emotion creeps back into his voice and he gives me a squeeze that lets me know this is hard for him too, but a comforting squeeze is little consolation when my heart is breaking.
I want to argue with him, to tell him I will be in New York, but according to what he just said he has never believed that we would work out so what is the point of telling him I will be there if it doesn’t make a difference to him? He doesn’t see us on the city sidewalk walking together, or standing together on a subway platform, or dancing together in our apartment the way I do. I see a life together, full of happy memories, and all he sees is the end.
“Is that really what you think of us?” I ask, and I’m not judging, but I have to know. How could I see our relationship so drastically differently?
“Yes.” We are both quiet for a while after that. Even knowing that Will feels that way, I can’t walk away. I won’t walk away until he does. I know it will break my heart, but I’ve known my heart was going to break for a while now, so I might as well enjoy the last moments where I can ignore it. I’m in no rush to be alone with myself and finally see what is left of me.
I just smile and kiss Will softly and wonder how he can’t feel the love I have for him. I wonder how that is not love I feel from him when he wraps me in his arms and holds me through the night as if he can’t bear to lose a minute of time spent with me. I’m not sure I know what love is, if it isn’t the two of us staring into each other’s eyes completely entranced just by the way the other breathes.
Will shakes me awake the next morning, with a hand on my shoulder. Even with the blur of sleepiness in my eyes, I can see the excitement in his and I wonder how he could be so excited when we will drop him off at the airport today and I might never see him again. Even barely awake, I’m filled with dread, but he looks like he got invited to Disneyland.
“You are coming to New York, Hannah!” I’m shocked awake. Who told him I am going to Columbia? Only a few people know, and I’m not sure how any of them would have told him between last night and this morning.
“They want to interview us on Wake-Up America.” He shows me an email he has pulled up on his phone from the studio and I realize he doesn’t know about Columbia after all. He was talking about going to New York to do an interview on the biggest morning show in America.
Will is excited as he shares the news and I’m happy today isn’t our final hurrah, but I know this will complicate our already messy goodbye. It was going to be hard enough saying goodbye to Will in Alabama, having never had experienced NYC with him outside my daydreams, but now that I will have real memories with him there, I can’t help but think they will haunt me.
“Guess I will get to do all those typical touristy things with you after all.” Will pulls me to his chest and presses a kiss to my temple.
“Really? I figured you would be too busy.” I can’t help the bit of bitterness that creeps into my voice. Will hadn’t even entertained the idea of doing those things when I mentioned we would be in New York at Thanksgiving, but apparently if it is before he turns his feelings off for me at the end of the summer, he has plenty of time for me.
“No, I’ll put off returning to work for a week.” Will says, completely missing my unhappiness. I feel like screaming at him, but I know that isn’t fair. We both agreed that this would end. It’s not his fault that I stupidly let myself forget that. I muster a smile and try to appreciate that I will get one more week with him. One week in New York City with him and despite the pain I know I’m going to feel, I want that.
“I look forward to it. What are we going to do?” I push aside my worries and try to be excited.
“Kiss on top of the empire state building. Make out in Central Park. Kiss at the Statue of Liberty. Kiss in Times Square.” Will wraps me in a hug as he continues to list all the touristy places we could kiss.
“Seems like a long way to go to do something we could do right here.” To prove it, I press a kiss onto his cheek.
“Trust me, it will be better.” Will promises.
“And why is that?” I raise my eyebrows. I’m perfectly happy to kiss him in any city.
“Because it is New York.” Will says simply and in those few words I hear the love he has for his city, his home. Insecurity weighs on me as I wonder how I can ever measure up to New York City. How can a man that loves a place as wild and sophisticated as New York City ever fall for a simple small-town girl like me?
The day rushes by after that. Dad is so excited by the news that it is all he will talk about on our way to drop Will off at the airport, and I can’t help but get a little excited, too. This is great for Will’s book, and it is a chance for Dad to see the city with me before I move up there, which will calm his nerves about his little girl all alone in the big city.
I give Will a lingering hug as we stand in the drop off terminal. I feel like I’m letting my heart walk away, but because I know I will see him in a week, I manage not to cry as Will walks into the terminal with his bags.
Chapter 29
