Page 36 of His Small Town Girl


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We forgo the stop in Louisiana and dedicate the next week to visits with Susan. Sometimes Will dominates with his questions and other times he sits back and records the conversations while Dad and Susan tell each other about their lives. The second day, we meet Susan’s husband and two of her three sons. Her husband and sons thought the vlog and potential book were a lot cooler than Susan thought it was. For me, it is most interesting that Susan’s son had grown up knowing their mom had been left at the altar. For Susan, that day had been a defining moment of her life, something that made her who she was, something she wanted her children to know about her. For my dad, that day had been his secret shame, something he wished I never knew about.

By the end of the week, we were all joking and laughing like family friends. I was pretty sure Dad had made a lifelong hunting partner in Susan’s husband, Jim, who was looking into trips to Alabama, so he could join my dad for the deer hunt. Susan rolled her eyes at that and it reminded me so much of Mama that I teared up a bit.

As Dad and Jim make plans, I try to make plans with Will again. I still haven’t told him yet that I would be attending Columbia, but I would when it felt right, and it wouldn’t feel right until he agreed to talk to me past this summer, even if just as friends. So, with my heart hanging in the balance, I ask him again about Thanksgiving. This time I propose going to the Thanksgiving Parade together. He had brushed me aside before, but maybe he wouldn’t this time.

“I know it is typical, but would you want to go with me?” I ask, feeling giddy about experiencing the city with Will and doing all the things I’d seen in the movies. It is all that fills my daydreams these days.

“I’m still not sure what my work schedule will be like then.” Will says noncommittally, avoiding my eyes.

“I really doubt you will be working Thanksgiving.” I don’t know why he won’t just give me a straight answer.

“I could be writing then or editing. With the book, there are a lot of unknowns.” Will runs a hand through his hair and I can tell he has checked out of this conversation.

“We will see then.” I say, feeling slightly less giddy, but pretty sure I can convince Will to go by the time Thanksgiving rolls around. There is always Lilli’s method of gaining submission through kisses.

A short while later, I am helping Susan in the kitchen with a batch of her famous chocolate chip cookies. I’m plopping cookie dough onto a cookie sheet as the guys talk about football on the back porch. Will has more to say about football than I thought a city slicker would. I smile to myself as he rants about his team’s depressing stats.

“You two been dating long?” Susan asks as she scoops cookie dough.

“No, just a couple of weeks. I’m not sure it can really be called dating. More of a summer fling.” I say, feeling awkward that my words were so at odds with my feelings.

Susan just hums in response, busying herself by placing the sheets in the oven and setting a timer. “I never had a daughter, Hannah, but if I did, I would tell her she shouldn’t settle for someone who can’t commit. I know I make it sound like a fairy tale and that everything was perfect between me and David before he blindsided me at the altar, but there were red flags. I ignored them. I wouldn’t want you to give everything to a boy that isn’t willing to give you everything in return.” Her tone is soft, as if she is afraid she will offend me, but I can’t be surprised by words I had already thought of myself.

As much as I hate it, the words resonate in me. I blink back tears as I thought about the last few weeks. Will had promised me an extraordinary summer romance, and I had given him my heart. His promise was up at the end of the summer, but I knew my heart would be his for longer than that.

“Sorry if I overstepped.” Susan says, as I remain silent.

“Don’t be sorry. It’s what my mom would have told me.” I attempt a reassuring smile, but I know it probably looks sadder than reassuring. The soft look she gives me in return lets me know that she sees right through my force smile. Moms usually do.

“You are a catch, Hannah. You should fight for yourself, not to keep someone else around.” She pulls me into a hug and I squeeze my eyes shut to hold back the tears that are a mixture of my heartbreak over Will and the stark reminder Susan is that Mama is gone.

I blink back tears and nod. “Thank you. I needed to hear that.”

“Anytime. Now get back out there and enjoy yourself.” Susan says, shooing me out of the kitchen and back onto the porch.

I don’t enjoy myself, though. I lose myself in my thoughts and start to spiral. Both my dad and Will notice, but when they ask, I just say I’m feeling a little off. I don’t want to make a scene and ruin our last day with Susan, so I try to smile and act normal, while inside I wonder how I could have been so reckless with my own heart, but when I look at Will, it is easy to see how I could be so foolish. How could I regret loving him?

When it is time to say goodbye to Susan, dread fills every inch of me and while I love her even after our short acquaintance, I know the dread isn’t about leaving her. It is about Will and me. This is the end. Three more days to drive back to Willow Springs and then Will is back in New York City and we are over.

Needing someone to vent to, I shoot a text off to Lilli. She may have warned me about this, but I know she will listen to my fears.

Me: I don’t want to say goodbye to him.

Lilli: Then you should tell him about Columbia.

Me: But it won’t matter.

Lilli: You can’t know that until you tell him.

I put my phone away because I can’t do it. I can’t tell Will that I will be attending Columbia and still have him end our relationship, because I know he will. It is pathetic, but as long as I don’t tell him, I have one last shred of hope to hold on to, hope that my being in New York will change his mind, but once I tell him that hope will be gone, replaced by reality.

Chapter 28

We drove into Mississippi today. Will has been too busy editing video for the vlog to spend much time with me, so I’ve been alone with my thoughts since we arrived at the hotel. Tonight is the last night of our trip and I’m all alone. Just like I will be when I get back home and when I move to New York City. Alone and in love with someone who doesn’t love me back.

I’ve already called Lilli and even she couldn’t tell me anything to make this feeling go away. I feel like I’m drowning. Will, this trip, Dad, and everything that had grounds me is slipping out of my grasp as the water grows deeper around me. I’m afraid that I’ve distracted myself with Dad’s problems and Will and now I’m finding out that after Mama’s death, getting Dad back, and losing Will that there isn’t much of me left anymore.

I’m getting ready for bed, not because I’m tired, but because I just want to escape these feelings when there is a knock at the door. Hair piled on top of my head, no makeup on, and in the sloppiest but most comfortable of my PJs, I open the door to find Will.

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