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“You judge how you would be by the way your father was. In fact, it seems like it would make you even more determined to be the kind of father you wish he would have been. You’re stable, Cullen. You have so much to offer and these kids really need you.”
He shook his head again, looking beleaguered, sort of like she’d backed him into a corner.
“It doesn’t matter. Look at Greg. He had everything in the world going for him. He still ended up letting down his kids.”
Lily snorted. “Because he had the audacity to die? I mean, sure, it’s a sad situation—my own parents died when I was ten years old. I certainly don’t mean to make light of it, but we’re all going to die someday, Cullen. You can’t stop living because you’re afraid to die.”
“I’m not afraid of death. I guess I’ve never seen myself being a father. Look, it’s been a long day. I don’t think we should be having this conversation now.”
“If not now, when, Cullen? I think we need to talk about it sooner rather than later.”
When he didn’t answer, she said, “We need to give this some major thought. I don’t know if we’re going to work, because it looks to me like we want completely different lives.”
Chapter Fourteen
For the next two and a half days, Cullen threw himself into work. With so many things going for them, how could he and Lily have reached such an impasse? But to have children or not to have them was a fundamental decision for a couple. It was part of the foundation that their relationship was built on.
With Lily, it had been love at first sight. He had never experienced it before and frankly he didn’t expect it to happen again. Sure, he could probably find someone or many someones down the road. But they wouldn’t be Lily. Why did they have to have a fundamental difference as large as the Grand Canyon threatening to keep them apart?
Was it fair to expect her to sacrifice having kids of her own? For God’s sake, she was a teacher. Kids were her calling. But was it any better to go against his own nature?
As he was turning off his computer, his gaze fell on a picture that Hannah had drawn for him with very strict instructions that he was to take it to work because this picture was for his desk. He’d done it, too. Here it was, front and center on his desk as if it meant something to him.
The drawing must have meant something to him. Otherwise it would still be in the car or would have gotten lost en route. But he’d never really looked at it.
He picked up the piece of notebook paper and examined it. It was a rudimentary drawing of a house with a red front door and smoke coming out of the chimney. A bunch of stick figures stood in front of the house. She’d drawn four females—or so he guessed they were females judging by the triangles that seemed to represent skirts and bows in their hair. Next to them were two more figures, unadorned except for the big smiles that took up the majority of their faces. Those must be guys.
Picture in hand, Cullen leaned back in his chair.
Four girls and two guys. It was obviously a depiction of Cullen and Lily with the kids. The hands of the tallest female and male stick figures intersected. Had she drawn them holding hands?
She was a smart girl. She’d probably picked up on more than Lily realized.
He could hear Lily saying, Kids are more perceptive than you think.
Obviously.
He returned the picture to its place on his desk and finished shutting down his computer. It was Christmas Eve, and he was working only until noon. Now that he and Lily had a chance to cool off and think rationally, he’d planned on taking the rest of the day off and spending it with them.
It had snowed last night, covering everything with a fluffy blanket of white. After he finished his Christmas shopping, he intended to track Lily and the kids outside to build a snowman. It was Christmas Eve. Today they would put aside their differences and just be together.
He grabbed his phone, his keys and his coat, wished merry Christmas to the skeleton crew that was making time and a half working the holiday and headed out.
He was waiting for the elevator when his cell phone rang. The name Cameron Brady, the family-law attorney he’d hired, flashed on the display.
“Merry Christmas, Cam. Are you working on Christmas Eve, too?”
