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Those fantasies and thoughts, they frightened me, and yet they were so exciting, so animalistic, that feeling of losing complete control, of succumbing to my emotions, my needs, and my deepest darkest fantasies something I could never get enough of. No man had ever elicited feelings like that within me, and I didn’t know what to do with those emotions, didn’t know if such thoughts were evennormal.
In the end, I concluded it was a question without any meaningful answer. Forus, it was normal. And that was all that really mattered to me.
Invariably before the end of those punishment sessions, I would surrender to them, breaking a little inside, needing his touch—and he could give it, taking me into his arms. In those special, intimate moments, I sobbed pitifully into his chest, his shirt soaked with my tears, hiccupping, my nose running, my face red and flushed, my hair an utter mess, my bottom throbbing.
Oh,God, how it hurt, that burning, my ass feeling twice its size, and still in the end, it would be me asking him to please punish me, to give me more, if I had pleased him, that all I cared about was making him happy. In those moments I would give him everything, anything he could possibly want.
When it was all over, I huddled against him, his impossibly strong arms all around me, squeezing me tight, his deep rumbling voice rattling in my chest as he assured me I was everything he could possibly want, and that there was nothing more I had to give to him. Except one thing.
We both knew what that one thing was, and yet we didn’t speak of it. For it was nearing the end of the thirty days, and the implications of that hung heavy in the air, the elephant in the room, unresolved the closer we got to that fateful day.
As I fell asleep against him each night, spooned against his body, his hard cock deep within, I wondered anew. He’d taken to enjoying sleeping that way the night that he’d taken me into his bed. I would tremble and sigh as that long, thick cock slid into me, all the way, deep,sodeep. Then he would still within me, and all I could feel was the pulse of the blood in the veins of his penis, the heat of his flesh, the gentle, now almost tolerable stretch of my pussy around his incredible girth. He would coo and whisper to me, telling me to be calm, to be his good girl, and to go to sleep as he stroked my hair, my back, gently caressing my breasts before taking one in hand and firmly grasping it, holding it possessively as we drifted off to slumber.
Multiple times during the night I would wake to find that cock driving into me again, and I would sigh and moan, half asleep, my breath driven from my lungs as he began to pound me.
But I wanted iteverytime, I would never say no. I would never dream to say no, for every time he took me, no matter how animalistic, no matter how much it hurt, I simply wantedmore. I would moan that word over and over and over again, as he plundered the depths of my pussy, my cervix screaming, my womb clenching, my flesh feeling as if it might tear under the relentless thrust of his cock.
Even then, especially then, I knew I was exactly where I needed to be. With the man who was meant for me.
But as I would drift back to sleep, I couldn’t help but wonder, the most important question of all.
If he was the man who was meant for me, then why on earth hadn’t I told him?
CHAPTER23
Lola
As we sat there at the outdoor tables at the coffee shop, it seemed to me that the weather had just decided to skip fall altogether, and had gone straight into winter.
“Jesus, feels like freaking January out here.” I sipped from my scalding coffee. At leastthatwas hot.
“This was your choice, genius,” Michelle said with a roll of her eyes, wrapping both of her hands around her tall latte. “We could still go inside, you know.”
I shrugged. “Mo, I’m going to have to get going soon. It’s fucking packed in there anyway.”
“Maybe that’s because those people like to be warm…”
I giggled then. “Smells like patchouli, B.O., and weed in there. No, thanks.”
Michelle’s green eyes sparkled as she sipped from her cup. “Sounds pretty good to me—minus the pit stink, that is.” She set her cup down on the worn surface of the outdoor steel table, the twisted wire of the top flaking with hunter green paint. “You know what I’m going to ask you. We haven’t talked in like a couple weeks now, and I’m dying to know how it’s going.”
Truth be told I’d been putting off talking to Michelle about what was going on between Ellis and me. It wasn’t so much that I felt insecure or ashamed of what was happening between us. More it was simply a matter of not wanting to get into it, having to explain the complications and confusing aspects of what it meant to be in a relationship with a man like him. I really wasn’t sure that Michelle would understand it.
Or maybe that was just rationalization on my part.
Still shewasmy friend, and it was wrong to not talk to her about this. No matter how solid my reasons may have been. “It’s going really well, actually. I don’t think I’ve ever met a man like him before. Maybe it’s just because he’s older, but he does things to me, for me, that I didn’t even know that I wanted. But now that I’ve been shown what can be… I just want more of it.”
Michelle tipped her head slightly. “There’s abutin there somewhere, isn’t there? What’s really going on? I mean, Iknowyou. Something’s not quite sitting well with you.”
I sighed, instantly regretting talking about this subject with her at all. My friend definitely had her problems, but she could be wickedly, almost supernaturally insightful sometimes. “Nothing’s ever perfect, right? It certainly isn’t with us. Or maybe, maybe it’s just that things seem too good? You know how you get that feeling when things are just effortless and wonderful, and you’re just in total bliss. But in the back of your mind you’re sure that there’s something about to happen, something about to go wrong or sideways, and you almostlookfor it? Sometimes, it almost becomes a self-filling prophecy. You know what I mean?”
“Unfortunately, I do. It’s human nature, I think, to always be wary of the other shoe dropping. It’s insane, sure, but it’s a real thing.” Her eyes narrowed ever so slightly as she looked at me. “Maybe there is something there though. Maybe this isn’t just your imagination?”
It had been nagging at me for a while, and part of it was the fact that our relationship was so… odd compared to anything I’d ever experienced before.
That newness, the novel way we’d sort of fallen in together, it didn’t have any sort of pattern, no rhyme or reason that I could use to compare it to previous experiences. And while that very nature made it fun and intriguing, it also made it a little bit frustrating because I really wasn’t sure what was going to happen. “There is something, and it’s kind of been on my mind for a while. It’s that we’re not strangers, but we don’t really connect in a way that, I don’t know, that boyfriend and girlfriend should? And that actuallycouldbe fine, too, but I just… I feel like he’s not letting me in. Maybe that’s just me trying to find a problem where none exists, and maybe I’m just a stupid girl, but I keep coming back to that.”
Michelle’s fingers tapped against the side of her cup, and she looked out at the street, a gust of wind rolling through, stirring her long, dark curly hair. “You know, maybe what’s bothering you about this is the fact that you really know next to nothing about this man. He’s your boss, yes, but generally when you’re fucking someone you probably should, I don’t know, learnsomethingabout them beyond how much their cock makes you scream?”
