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The burden of loving all of my children equally didn’t bother me like it had been. The burden of having so many children to nurture didn’t seem like a burden anymore. The thought of therapy that had been suggested by Luca earlier on didn’t irritate me anymore. Everything felt so much better. I felt better.
After two days of resting, I climbed out of bed alone. The physical restraints of depression were no longer handicapping me. I could move about as freely and as often as I wanted. That, within itself, was not progress that I took lightly.
By the third day, I was able to shower for nearly an hour, only taking small breaks to sit on the bench inside of the gorgeous shower. I never wanted to leave it. I found so much peace inside that it held me hostage. With each tear I cried during the shower session, I shed some more of the weight that was heavy on me. When I exited, I felt fifty pounds lighter.
By the fourth day, I began exploring the island with Luca. We’d leave for hours and only return when it was time for bed or until our feet began to cry for help. From shopping to dining to participating in the cultural happenings, we were having the time of our lives. And, on that day, I began to truly smile again.
When day seven reached us, I simply wasn’t ready to go. I packed all the milk I’d pumped in the last seven days and Luca had it flown straight to Channing so that Lucas could feast on fresh milk. Day seven was the day that I felt most peaceful and more prepared to take on the rest of my life, but it didn’t mean that I had to. Not right away, anyway. I wanted to spend some more time with myself and then a little with my husband before the craziness of our world got a hold of us, again.
Day eight, I discovered my love for meditation and yoga. From day eight until now, I’d start my mornings with a twenty-minute meditation session and then follow up with forty-five minutes of yoga. I was feeling and looking a lot better. I promised myself those two things wouldn’t change upon my return. I wanted them infused in my everyday life and be my own little calm before the storm.
Day twelve, a void was birthed. One that involved my children, their smiles, their love, and their innocence. I missed every little finger and every toe on their bodies. I missed hearing them laugh and play and fight. I missed the tantrums and the hugs. I missed the long weekend days in bed for hours watching movies.
I missed Lucas and I missed nursing him. I wanted so badly to have him in my arms. I didn’t know my son, not at all. I didn’t know what he loved or hated. I didn’t know how he slept or the hours he was awake. I didn’t know his scent or how bad his poop smelled. I didn’t know what his cries meant or how he liked to be held. I knew nothing.
While that reality had crippled me for weeks and weeks, that wasn’t the case now. I was desperate to get to know my boy. I had to. I was his mother and I wanted to be his entire world until he was old enough to determine that there was more to life than me.
Luca was surprised to hear that I missed my babies by day thirteen. He said he knew it would come, but he was unsure of when. I missed them all. I really did. Finally, I was ready to get back home, put on my big girl panties, and face the music. I couldn’t run forever and I didn’t want to. Being a mother was everything to me and that was the problem this time. It became a little too much too soon. I needed the break from it all. The break had saved me.
Feel better, mommy.The last words that Essence spoke to me were so clear and so close as I tried combating the exhaustion I felt from Luca’s greed in bed. He couldn’t keep his hands to himself and he was wondering why we had so many children to begin with. Though we both wanted more, we knew the time wasn’t right. When it was, he’d have no trouble making it happen. He hardly wanted to get off me. I didn’t want him to, either, especially not last night.
“Feel better, mommy?”
I opened my eyes and sprang forward in bed. The second time was much clearer and felt so much closer. When my ears stopped ringing and settled, the sound of tiny laughter and soft voices curved my lips upward into a smile. My eyes began to burn from the tears that were fighting to find the surface.
“Feel better?” My sweet girl asked again.
I turned to find Essence at the edge of the bed, sitting, watching as I unraveled. Loudly and unashamed, I sobbed. This time, it wasn’t tears of sadness but those of joy and completion.
“Mom,” Essence spoke again.
“Yes?” I asked through tears.
“You’re going to wake Lucas and he’s nothing nice when he’s awake.”
I turned to the other side, and there he was, sound asleep without a care in the world. He was so handsome in his onesie. Disregarding everything Essence had said, I leaned over my baby boy and tucked my hands underneath him to pick him up. He stirred until he woke completely.
“Hiiiiiiiii,” I cried, staring down at him as I placed my back against the headboard of the bed. “Hiiiiiii, you.”
I removed my breast from my shirt and positioned him more comfortably. The second my boob was close enough for him to smell the milk that was beginning to seep out, his lips began popping. I pushed him forward, close enough to latch. And, when he did, tranquility swept through me.
“Somebody’s awake,” Luca said as he entered the room with Elle in his hands.
Immediately, she stretched her arms for me.
“Milk,” she said while signaling with her hands.
Though she wasn’t exactly a breast baby anymore, I wouldn’t deny her. My breasts were full and overflowing. There was enough milk to feed both her and Lucas. In fact, I preferred it so the stiffness and tenderness would both subside. She climbed up onto the bed and raised my shirt, herself. When she was comfortable enough, she latched on as well. The wholeness of my heart was inexplicable.
“Mommy!” Emorey ran in behind Luca. She still had food in her mouth.
“Em!”
“Can we go swimming today?”
“Only if your dad says yes.”
“So say yes, daddy,” she begged.
