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“Please.”
“Do you think it’ll make you feel better?” He asked, obviously willing to do anything to help.
My hair had grown to the middle of my back. Pregnancy after pregnancy had left me with too much to maintain. For once, I wanted to be freed from whatever shackles it must’ve had me in.
“Yes,” I admitted, clinging to the pillow that I’d discovered as my safe haven.
“If I do something for you, you have to promise you will do something for me.” Luca bargained.
“I can’t,” I told him, immediately.
“You don’t even know what it is and I know you can, baby. You simply have to let me help you. Okay?”
“Luca, I can’t.”
The truth was, I couldn’t. If it didn’t involve hours on end of rest, then I couldn’t.
“Yes you can, baby.” Luca gritted. I could hear the frustration in his voice.
“Please don’t get upset,” I pleaded, emotions climbing. My eyes burned from the nonstop tears I’d cried over the weeks but I could feel the fresh ones stain my cheeks.
“I’m not upset, love. I’m just… I’m trying, Ever. I’m really trying. I’m fighting and I need you to fight with me. I can’t do this without you. I’m miserable. I’m miserable every day I wake up and you’re not beside me. Every time I hear our son cry out to you but you can’t be there, I’m sick to my stomach. Every time the girls ask about you or Elle cries for you, my shit hurts. We’re all feeling the effects of your absence and we need you back. So, understand that I’m not upset. I’m just hurting, Ever. I’m hurting because for once I can’t fix what’s wrong with you. But, I’m not going to stop trying. Don’t punish me for that.”
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m letting you guys down. I just don’t know how to come out of this dark, dark place I’m in. I can’t find myself in there. I feel so lost.”
“Let me help you,” he asked, “Please.”
“I don’t think you can.”
“If you try, too, then I know we can figure this shit out, Ever. It’s us. It’s me and it’s you.”
“My God, you’re perfect.” The words that haunted me fell from my lips. I was everything but. Yet, I’d been given a man that was closest to perfection as it got.
“I’m far from it. If I cut your hair for you, I need you to promise me that you will join me for lunch in an hour. We don’t have to leave the house. I just want you to come downstairs and sit at the dining room table with me. I’ll make something simple like sandwiches or some shit. Or, I can order whatever you want to be delivered. It’s whatever you want, Ever. I just want you there with me. I feel so fucking empty out here.”
I carefully considered his offering, wondering if I had the strength. I quickly concluded that I didn’t, but the denial I wanted to give him just wouldn’t surface. Before I knew it, I was agreeing to something I knew that I wasn’t capable of. I just didn’t know how to tell him.
“I promise.”
I didn’t recognize my own voice, but I did recognize the smile on Luca’s face as he heard the words. And for the first time in weeks, I felt good about myself. I wasn’t sure how I’d make it to the dining table or if I would, but for him I’d try. Because, without a doubt, I knew he’d do the same for me.
FIVE
Luca’slarge hands stabilized me as he lifted me from bed. Dangling from his broad shoulders, I bounced with each step he took as he made his way into the bathroom. Walking required energy that my body didn’t possess. Even emptying my bladder was too much of a task.
Before lowering me onto the toilet, he pulled down my underwear and the pajama shorts that I wore along with them. As soon as my butt brushed the toilet seat, my bladder gave in and released everything I’d been holding onto. The relief I felt was incredible.
I could hear as Luca rolled the tissue onto his hand. Shame covered me as he ripped what he’d be using from the roll.Please, Ever. I begged.Come out of this.
Once I finished, I leaned forward and allowed him to clean my bottom. When I was ready, I lifted my arms so that he could rescue me once again from my miserable attempt to care for myself. Happily, Luca helped me up to my feet and lowered the toilet seat. He rested me on top of it and stood back for a brief moment with a hand on each hip.
“How short are we talking?”
“Can you decide?”
I couldn’t. But, I knew that Luca wouldn’t steer me in the wrong direction. I trusted him more than I did myself.
“Aight. I want your shit even so I’m going to use my clippers,” he explained.
