Page 4 of Ever


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Less energy distribution was my best bet for now, so I didn’t bother to respond. Besides, there wasn’t anything left to be said. I wanted this all to be over quickly so that I could get back to bed. Luca had replaced the bathroom light with dimmer, less intimidating ones but after a while it still made my head throb.

As I closed my eyes to stop the room from spinning and the little flies from popping mid-air, Luca exited. Too exhausted to stay upright, I rested my head on the bathroom counter. Sleep was so easy to come by. The coolness of the counter didn’t help much, either. Before I knew it, I’d drifted off to sleep.

Hearing Luca re-enter the bathroom startled me. The quick snooze couldn’t have lasted any more than four or five minutes but I wasn’t complaining. Rest shut my thoughts off completely and made everything feel fine for once. That’s why every chance I got, I wanted more of it.

Luca got everything set up as I continued to lay on the counter, trying my hardest to catch a few more Zs. When I felt his hand on my head, I knew that it would be impossible. He lifted my face from the cool counter and sat me upright. There was a small comb in his hand that I was sure he’d stolen from the girls’ room.

Without hesitation, he began combing through the knots in my hair. In clumps, my hair fell onto the floor all around me. To avoid the tears that were working their way up at the sight of my beautiful hair falling so effortlessly to the floor, I closed my eyes.

It wasn’t long before I heard the familiar sound of clippers. Bzzzzzzzzz.

“I need you to hold still and try not to move. If you feel yourself getting too weak, then let me know. We can finish another time.”

Luca knew that I understood even if I didn’t have the ability to respond. As the sound of the clippers lulled me into a calm that I hadn’t experienced in weeks, my eyes remained closed. I counted down from twenty over and over. I’d lost count of just how many times I’d done so by the time the sound of the clippers ended.

Then, there was the comb, again. Though my eyes were still closed, I knew every move Luca made. The buzzing started again. Then stopped. Then started. Then stopped. And, finally, there was the comb again.

Shortly after, Luca brushed hair from my shoulders. I could feel the smile on his face as he stood back and admired his work. Because, surely, he couldn’t have been admiring me. I was and had been a mess for the last six, nearly seven weeks.

When I felt his hands underneath my armpits, I knew that he was ready for me to see what he’d done. Unfortunately, I was unable to assist him in his attempt. Nevertheless, it was successful just like the rest of them.

I’d forgotten how his body felt against mine until he pulled me in front of him and placed my hands on the counter. His solid chest against my back reminded me of the times when my mental health wasn’t a barrier of ours. It wasn’t long ago. Just eight weeks ago, we were both the happiest we’d ever been. Bringing Luas into the world felt like my redemption after losing Dylan but I’d quickly learned that it was the start of my demise.

“Open your eyes,” Luca instructed. I could hear the smile in his voice.

Obliging, I unsealed my lids. Staring back at me was a woman that I didn’t recognize. A saddened, unhappy version of myself that I wanted so badly to overcome. And, then there was Luca.

He was still as beautiful as I remembered. His brown skin was flawless and so was that heart of his that I heard thudding in his chest. The smile that he craved, I couldn’t muster, but I did admire the work he’d done.

The very blunt cut stopped at my shoulders, lifting so much weight from them. I felt like I’d shed much more than the tears I cried had allowed in weeks. For the first time, I felt like I’d taken a step closer to the light that was too far away to even see much of any more.

“I’m going to come out of this.”

I heard myself say. I wasn’t sure where it came from, but it didn’t feel like as much of a lie as it sounded. The tears that I expected to come were nowhere in sight. Postpartum for me was debilitating. It was a mental hell that stole my ability to move my limbs, my lips, and my mind.

“You will.”

SIX

Her skin was still perfect.Because bathing her was the only time I truly got to explore the flawlessness of it, I found myself enjoying bath time a lot more than Ever. She hated it. The bright lights that once made her squeal upon entry, I’d switched for dimmer ones so that coming out of the dark wasn’t as difficult. Sometimes, we even opted to leave the lights off completely.

Though Ever didn’t have many words during these moments, I could feel her most. I could still feel her angelic spirit and still feel the woman underneath the surface. I could still feel my baby. She was in there, just a little lost.

Because today felt extra special and Ever had given me more than I could’ve imagined she would on the dreadful walk to her room this morning, the tub was filled with bubbles. The fizzling sound they made as they burst one by one seemed to be satisfying to us both. With her eyes closed and her head leaned back slightly, Ever enjoyed the warmth of the bath and the quiet of the moment.

“You’re amazing,” I told her, repeating the affirmations that I recited during bath time.

It was important for me to speak life into Ever, even when she didn’t feel like hearing it. I was her voice of reasoning during this trying time. I wanted to be that center she claimed was missing. I had to be the landmark that would help her find her way. Otherwise, my baby would be lost forever, I was afraid.

“You’re kind and you’re loved.”

I used the sponge to wet her freshly cut hair. Ever becoming more beautiful, I thought was impossible but I was sadly mistaken. The fresh cut brought about a change that I didn’t know she needed but was truly happy with. And, to top it off, it was beneficial to her mental and emotional health. She’d smiled, sort of. That was a start.

Baby steps. Baby steps.

“You’re special to me and Essence and Emorey and Elle and Lucas. You’re the light of our lives. You make us all better. You deserve to rest. You deserve to be taken care of. You deserve to be catered to.”

Ever said nothing as I poured the two-in-one shampoo and conditioner on my hands. I began working it into her sandy blonde strands, massaging her scalp in the process. The humming from her throat assured me that she was enjoying the feeling of my hands on her scalp even if words weren’t released.

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