Page 5 of Ever


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God, I miss my wife. I felt empty inside. The physical exhaustion was nothing in comparison to the emotional toll that Ever’s state had taken on me. Her bubbly, bright energy had fueled my somewhat dark energy for so long and now that it was missing, I, too, felt lost. She was my center. She was my landmark. She was my happy place. Without her in my world, I was devastated.

“We miss you,” I admitted. “You hear me, Ever? The girls and I miss you. Essence, as sweet as she is, is missing you the most. And, Emorey, she’s confused. Elle is, she’s not taking the milk in the cup so well. We need you to fight, mommas.”

“Please, Luca,” softly, she begged, “Please stop.”

With her eyes still closed, ridges developed along the bottom line of her top lid. She didn’t want to hear the mess our home was in her absence and I wanted to kick my own ass for mentioning it. But, it was hard not to when everything was going to shits while she whithered away. We needed her back. It was as simple as that.

“What would you like for lunch?” I asked, changing the subject.

“Luca,” she sighed, preparing to deliver bad news.

“You promised, Ever. You’ve never lied to me. You’re not going to start today.”

Another deep, long sigh slowly escaped her lips before she nodded her head.

“Okay. But, please let me have a nap first. I feel so tired.”

She did. I knew she did. The amount of work she’d done this morning was more than she had in weeks. Though excited about the progress, I knew it was exhausting for her.

“Aight. I’ll think of something. But, before you go to sleep, I need you to feed Lucas.”

“Okay,” she agreed.

“I love you, Ever. And, I’m never going to stop. Let’s get through this and put it behind us like everything else.”

“Okay.”

That was all she had for me and that was okay with me. As long as she was giving me something, I could work with that. If it was the last thing I did, I’d make sure that my baby came out of this an even better person. This was only a bump in the road. It was til death for us.

SEVEN

I imaginedthis was how heaven felt. Big, bright, and warm at the same time. It had been weeks since I’d been out of the room, into the hallway, and down the stairs. Everything was foreign. And, everything was bright. Possibly a little too bright for my, now, sensitive eyes.

A heavy sigh left my lips as I forked the salad in front of me. It was delicious. I’d eaten almost half, which was a lot more than I’d eaten of anything else. I was impressed. From the look on Luca’s handsome face, so was he.

I wanted to tell him how much I’d rather be in bed than at the table, but his excitement for my presence was too obvious in his brown orbs. I’d been letting him down for far too long, now, and craved satisfaction for him. So, even with burning eyes and a heavy heart, I remained for him.

He’d chosen the smaller dining table, but even it felt vastly larger than I’d recalled. It was still beautiful, nonetheless, but its size was a painful reminder of my circumstances. The empty chairs that surrounded it were once filled with little bottoms, booster seats, or removed to make room for high chairs. Now, there was only us.

Is mommy still sick?Emorey’s voice rang loud in my head. I missed her awfully. She was the most fearless child I’d ever seen in my life and to know that I’d birthed her was still stunning to me. Her confidence was commendable and her vocabulary was impressive. She said whatever came to mind and had no apologies for it. I admired her will and dedication to authenticity. She’d need it in the world that we lived in.

Then there was Essence, who stuck a note underneath the door at least three times since I’d been inside.Feel better.I love you mommy, she’d whisper underneath the crack between the door and flooring. Her heart was gold and to know that I couldn’t bring myself to be at her side hurt me to the core.

I still hadn’t brought myself to read either one that Luca had laid next to me. Though she didn’t have the words to say, often, she had them to pen. Her soft nature reminded me of the version of me that I loved most and that I was able to be once Luca came into my life.

She had me on my knees more than any one in my home because I knew that the world was hardly any place for softness. It hardened you and it did so quickly. Before depression crippled me mentally and physically, I prayed for my baby often. It was important to me that she found someone just like her father who’d protect that softness and nurture it like he’d done mine. Otherwise, she was doomed.

Elle. My sweet baby had no idea where mommy was and didn’t know how to voice her objections to my absence all that well.Mommy. I want mommy. I’d heard night after night as I laid with my surrors heavy on my heart.

I wanted her too. I wanted her sweet kisses and her random hugs. I wanted her greedy little hands on my boobs as she disregarded my rejection for her obsession with milk straight from my boobs. She was a big girl now and I wanted her to understand that it was okay to sip from somewhere other than mommy’s fountain of milk.

And, Lucas. I’d only spent a healthy week with him before my mental health began to decline. I didn’t know my son and that, most of all, kept me down in the dumps as time continued to tick away. He was as precious as his father and a very good boy.

I imagined his presence would bring me so much joy, but it killed me. It killed my spirit. And, for the life of me, I couldn’t find the same joy and comfort in his birth that I had the three times before. I’d found myself asking if I truly loved him or if he truly belonged to me. He didn’t feel real and neither did he feel like mine.

The questions got louder and louder in my ear each day and eventually, I began to spiral. They opened doors for new questions, doubt, and fear. Before I knew it, I was weeks in and had no contact with him or my other children unless I was feeding him.

“What’s on your mind?” Luca spoked for the first time since we’d sat down.

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