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I sit here staringat Opal waiting for her to digest everything I told her about what happened between me and Clare yesterday. I ignored all her calls and texts, unable to speak to her. I did come home to Bishop telling me that Luka would be in Russia for two weeks, then he’s being sent to Miami to check in with Tony after that as part of his punishment. Luka may be pissed he’s been sent away but as opposed to a bullet in the head, he took this punishment on the chin. I’m not mad that he’ll be out of the country because that means Clare will be at my mercy.
“How did that make you feel, kissing Clare?” I focus back on the here and now as I answer Opal.
“I didn’t think,” I answer honestly.
“Care to explain?” I roll my lips over my teeth debating if I should tell her or not. It’s at that second Clare’s words infiltrate my mind and makes the decision for me.
“Being with Clare is like second nature. I didn’t think when I kissed her yesterday, it just happened and it was like my mind… was quiet.” She hums and nods which has me wondering what the fuck she is thinking.
“Without you or Clare knowing it, she is helping you heal.” I scrunch my face causing her to smile as she continues, “Hear me out. Since Clare has come into your life, you no longer hide out in your room. You are speaking with your sister-in-laws and spending time with your nieces and nephews now. You even left the house on your own yesterday! That is a huge step, Rook.” I mull over her words and let them sink in for a minute. I never gave it a second thought when I left yesterday to go see Clare, I just knew I had to see her.
“I don’t trust her.” Opal’s features pull taut as she nods, as if she understands my situation.
“I understand, Rook. Trust will come with time. Believe me when I say you are lucky to have a family that cares and a person like Clare who is willing to help you.”
“Why do you say that?” Talking to Opal seems to come easily to me today. She doesn’t seem shocked though, she just seems like she expected me to eventually open up.
“Because I never had any of that when Tony Bennett rescued me.” I cock my head to the side confused.
“Tony did what?” She smiles shyly as she answers.
“All I will say is that I was trafficked as a child. My family sold me and I was raped by more men than you can count. I thought death would be my only option until Tony gave me a chance at a life different from the only one I knew. I grabbed it with both hands and swore I would never allow the scars of my past to taint my bright future.” I fall further back into the couch and look at Opal in a whole new light, she doesn’t look jaded or bitter.
“How are you so…” I can’t find the right word but Opal takes pity on me and helps me out.
“Happy? Resilient?” I nod. “Because happiness is a choice, Rook. I would choose to be happy every day rather than lay in bed and relive the horrors of my past. If I did that, I would never get up and be able to do what I do. I went through hell, but because of what I went through I am able to sit here and help others andreallyunderstand their situation.” Something inside me clicks and I wind up telling her everything. We sit here for nearly four hours and not once does she ever check her watch or the clock on the wall. She makes me feel heard and understood. I had no idea how freeing it would feel to tell someone about what I went through.
“I can be near the girls and the kids but not my brothers. I’m so fucking angry at them. Even being near Clare fucks with my head. I look at her and I feel… something other than disgust at the thought of sex but I also want to strangle her.”
“Okay, about your brothers. I think it would be a good idea, but only whenyouare ready, to have them join us for a session and explain to them how you really feel.” I don’t protest because a part of me knows in order for me to really heal and get over this hatred and anger I feel toward them, I have to face it head on. “Now, with Clare, it is a good thing that she makes you feel something. Just remember, Rook, everything is at your pace not hers, your brothers or anyone else’s. What you went through is going to take time and a lot of healing to live with because you will never forget it, but you will learn ways to live with it daily.”
“That’s all I want. I just don’t want to feel like I’m suffocating every day that I wake up. I’m not ready for the talk with my brothers. I’m still so fucking mad at them for leaving me behind and moving on with their lives.” I can hear the anger in my own voice.
“You have every right to feel how you do, your feelings are valid, Rook. By the sounds of things, it would be easier for you to deal with things with Clare before your brothers. Am I right to assume that?” I think about that for a minute before I reluctantly nod. “Have you thought about just spending time with Clare? There doesn’t need to be anything physical or sexual, maybe you could watch a movie?”
I shake my head. “That’s the thing, when I’m with her I want to touch her but I don’t know how without blacking out again. I saw her practically naked and my cock was rock fucking hard at the sight of her, what the fuck is wrong with me?” I drop my chin to my chest, emotionally fucking spent from talking for hours.
“Nothing is wrong with you. Sex isn’t something that is disgusting, Rook. It is something to be shared with someone you care about and it can be a beautiful thing.” I meet her stare with a hard look.
“That’s the thing. Sex has only ever been enjoyable when it was Clare. Every other girl after her meant nothing to me, they were just some nameless, faceless hole to take the edge off while I was picturing Clare’s face every time I came.” Opal nods her understanding.
“Only you will know when the time is right for you to take that next step with Clare.”
“But what if I hurt her again? Don’t get me wrong, I may still be fucking angry at her but I don’t actually want to cause her physical harm.” Shame washes over me at the thought of how I strangled her. If Knight didn’t come in when he did, I would have killed her.
“You tell her, you make sure she knows how you feel and let her know that you need her to keep you present. The first time you do have sex it is going to be hard, there may be flashbacks that could trigger your rage or you could wind up in a corner. Everyone is different but I want you to know I am available to you, day and night if you should need me.” I smile my thanks and for the first time I don’t actually have to force it.
“So, any chance you can tell Bishop to give me the keys to my house now?” I push, her eyes shine with mirth.
“Yeah. I think you’re ready for the next step in your healing, so I’ll tell him my thoughts.”
Rook -1
Bishop – 0
Stick that in your peace pipe and smoke it, asshole. I walk out of my session with Opal feeling fucking lighter than I have in months and shockingly, I’m actually smiling. Now, I just need to call the shelter and set my plan in motion for the green-eyed monster that is no doubt pissed as fuck at me.
