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“L-Luka?” At the sound of his sister’s raspy voice, he releases me with a hard shove. I watch him scoop her off the couch and march out of the room. Clare meets my gaze over her brother’s shoulder, I expect to see hatred in her green eyes but instead all I see is understanding and that has my mind reeling.
* * *
Layingout here next to the pool on one of the loungers staring up at the night sky is the only source of peace I seem to find these days. It’s not often my mind is quiet, some nights I come out here just to remind myself I’m not stuck in that dark fucking room anymore. I’m free to come and go as I please. I used to hate being alone, never liked silence, and yet I now crave it. I crave the peace being alone affords me, well, I did until that dirty little life drainer came back. Clare Santiago was my first love, my first everything. The night she ran from me, she tore my heart out and stomped all over it. At the sound of the back door opening I lull my head to the side to see Knight. I blow out a frustrated breath at the sight of him.
“I know you hate me,” I snort in answer to his stupid as fuck observation. Out of all my siblings, he’s the one who I blame the most. I hear his footsteps grow nearer and I prepare myself for the confrontation that has been months in the making now that Bishop, Gage and King aren’t here to stop it. They’re still at the hospital with Kiara and Car—from what I heard they both had their babies earlier today. “What is it going to take, Rook?” I turn and peer over at him. He sits there facing me with his arms dangling between his legs, dark circles under his eyes from lack of sleep. I should feel sorry for him but I don’t. I love knowing he doesn’t sleep either. I hope his guilt plagues him nightly like my nightmares destroy everything good I try to find in my life.
“For what?” I snap in a flat tone. He sighs and runs a hand down his face. It’s then I notice just how much he has changed. He isn’t tense anymore, his eyes don’t hold that haunted look they used to. He even smiles now and it’s weird for me to see him interact with Koby. Fuck, just knowing he is a dad weirds me the fuck out. Knight never wanted a girlfriend or kids, he always said that he would just father the tribe of kids I had.
“For you to forgive me and let me the fuck in? I’m trying here, brother, but you keep shutting me the fuck out––”
“Because I don’t fucking need you!” I snarl as I drag myself up into a sitting position to face him, my fists clenched at my sides. I attempt to take some calming breaths. The anger inside me wants me to lash out and give a dose of some of the pain I felt, just a smidge—but another part of me knows it wrong. The anger wins. “You think you can come out here and act like you care––”
“I do fucking care!”
“Bullshit!” I seethe. We both jump to our feet, leaving only an inch of space between us. I stare at him and fight the flinch that wants to roll through me. Looking at him is like looking at myself before everything changed. He is my exact other half and I fucking hate him for that. People think having an identical twin is the best gift in the world but they are fucking wrong, it’s a curse. You look at your twin and see yourself except it’s not you, they get to have the happy life while you’re dying inside daily.
“I never gave up on you. I looked for you every fucking second of every day.” He reaches out and grabs the back of my neck yanking me in until we are leaning our foreheads together. “I. Never. Gave. Up.” I hear the truth in his words but I can’t accept them. I pull free of his hold and shake my head watching as a curtain of pain falls over his features.
“You didn’t try hard enough.” He recoils but I push on. “You all carried on living while I prayed for death every fucking day. Want to know what kept me alive,brother?” I spit the word at him like it burns my tongue.
“What?” he whispers.
“The thought of you coming for me.” A dark chuckle breaks free from me, there is no humor to it. “What a fucking fool, right? The one brother I thought would come for me and it turns out he was too busy burying his cock inside his baby momma.” He flinches but I don’t stop. “To add insult to injury, a brother did come for me but it wasn’t you. It was fucking Gage of all people.” He opens his mouth but I’m done, I don’t want to hear more of his fucking pathetic lies! I shoulder past him and I don’t stop until I reach the threshold of the back door. I peer back at him over my shoulder. “Admit it, all of your lives would have been so much easier if I did die back in Russia.” His jaw unhinges at my words. “Do me a favor, stay out of my way and I’ll stay out of yours.”
Clare
Luka and I have yet to say a word to each other. After he carried me out, he placed me in the front seat, buckled me in, then sped out of the Murdoch compound like the car was on fire. I have no idea where he is taking me and honestly, I just don’t care. I’m grateful to be away from that place and with my brother. We drive through the city and I stare out the window at the people, they look so carefree and happy with life and that stuns me. Was I just unlucky? Did I do something in a past life to warrant God hating me? I close my eyes and rest my head against the cool glass window. I know God doesn’t hate me, it’s just easier for me to blame him than face the truth that it’s my fault that Tony Murdoch was able to rob me of my child.
“We’re here.” I blink my eyes open and I’m shocked to see we’re in an underground carpark. Luka gets out and I quickly follow after him. He doesn’t slow his pace to let me catch up so I have to jog. He stops when we reach the elevators. I shuffle from foot-to-foot nervously as we wait. I can feel the tension rolling off him in waves, it doesn’t ease even as we step into the lift. He pushes34and my stomach drops, I’m terrified of heights. The small car is filled with tension so thick you could cut it with a knife, when the doors finally open I sigh in relief and follow after him.
He fishes a key from his back pocket and unlocks the door, holds it open and ushers me inside first. I take three steps before freezing, his house is… beautiful. Dad and I had been living in a double-wide for the past four years while my brother is living in an apartment fit for a wealthy man, white leather couches, stone-top counters, a fake fireplace and windows that span the entirety of the apartment.
“I’m gonna take a shower, make yourself comfortable.” I don’t even get a chance to reply before he disappears down a small hallway and then I hear a door shut. I make my way cautiously over to the windows, my stomach bottoms out when I see how high up we are. I race back to the couch and drop down. How he can live this high up I’ll never know, I would be an anxious mess daily. I don’t know how much time passes before Luka makes his way back into the living room, dropping onto the other couch opposite me. Judging from the jeans and Henley he is wearing, he doesn’t plan on spending the evening with me and that stings.
“Where are you going?” My throat is sore but I keep the pain from my face. If he doesn’t care enough to stay with me and sort through our baggage then I won’t give him the satisfaction of seeing me in pain.
“Don’t start this shit, Clare.” He sounds tired and spent but I don’t care.
“What shit? Oh do you mean the shit where you abandon me for a family that isn’t even yours?” He pins me with an angry look that dares me to continue, I’m well past carrying that I’ll piss him off.
“Watch it,” he warns.
“Or what? You’ll kick me out? Cut me off?” I say as I throw my hands in the air in frustration.
“You fucking ran from me, Clare!” he shouts, causing me to slink further into the couch as guilt weighs on me.
“I didn’t have a choice.” I weakly defend, he scoffs and climbs to his feet ready to leave so I follow suit and reach out and grip his arm. He stares down at me and tears begin to build in the back of my eyes. “I’m sorry I hurt you. I swear, Luka, I never meant to make you feel like…”
“Like you and Dad didn’t give a fuck about me?” I bite my lip as the first tear falls and nod stiffly. “Fuck!” he rasps out before his arms wrap around me and then smoosh me against his chest as sobs wrack my body. I cling to Luka and allow the tears I refused to let fall when Dad died finally break free. The ugliest sobs tear from deep within my chest as I cry for not just my dad but for the years I lost with my brother, for my baby and for the boy I loved with every fiber of my being. “I got you, Clare-bear,” Luka says as he lifts me and carries back to the couch where I curl up on his lap and continue to cry my fucking eyes out. We have a lot of shit to sort out but right now in this moment I am so thankful for my brother. Having his arms around me and making me feel safe, I just know I’ll be okay.
* * *
I stirawake to the sound of Luka’s voice; he tries to whisper but he’s always sucked at that. I smile to myself at the memory then cringe when I open my eyes and feel how puffy and crusty they are from all my tears. I look to the windows and see night has long since fallen, I must have slept for hours which shocks me. Since Dad died, I haven’t been sleeping much, mind you. Two weeks after he died the bank repossessed our trailer and I was thrown onto the street without a dime to my name. Pride kept me from reaching out to Luka sooner… well, that and knowing coming back to New York meant I would more than likely run into Rook. I had no idea when I saw on the news that one of the Murdoch brothers was missing that it was Rook. I was only joking around that first day I flew out here, I had no idea he was the missing brother.
“Yeah, I did.” I shake my head and focus back on listening in on Luka’s conversation. “He strangled my sister, Bish, and I saw red.” He releases a loud exhale and nods even though the other person can’t see him. “Yeah, I know,” he snaps his gaze to me and I see nothing but guilt and shame in his eyes which baffles me. “We’ll be there soon.” My eyes widen at his admission and I begin to shake my head before he’s even ended the call. “I broke protocol today by laying hands on Rook––”
“Luka, no!” I rush to say as I launch off the couch and rush at my brother. I grip the front of his shirt in my hands and cling to him. “Tell them it was me.” He cups my face and smiles down at me sadly, I can see he is resigned to whatever fate Bishop Murdoch dishes out and I hate it.
