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CHAPTER ONE
Turbulence
WHEN THE PERSON you love disappoints you in ways that destroy little pieces of your soul, there is a certain beauty in the way another person picks them up and sews them back together for you. After being broken so many times by loving the wrong person, I learned to let go. Maybe I was hoping when I did, I would hit the ground hard and fast. But on the way down, Cash reached out and caught me.
I fell in love with him in an achingly slow way that started with the heels of my feet grounded to the earth, and crawled its way up until it reached my heart. All of those little broken pieces slowly knitted themselves back together and it beat in sync with his.
And then I betrayed him.
Forgive me if I hold my breath and silently pray that he never finds out I slept with Jack right before we got married. A mistake I regretted the moment it happened. Jack had a way of getting under my skin and inside my head leaving destruction in his path. It was hard avoiding him when we were stuck on a tour bus together for months at a time or locked away in a studio having to write songs together.
Our tour is swiftly coming to an end and I’ll be glad for the reprieve. Cash and I can finally look for a house, start our life together. I love our band andMogohas been very successful but we all need time away from each other.
I need the space and room so my marriage to Cash can stand on its own two legs without the weight of the band pushing us down. Most of all, I need time away from Jack.
This is why I stand inside the carriage of the elevator with adrenaline pumping through my body, heightening my senses and arming me with the strength I need to go up against Jack. This is never an easy task, especially with my heart. It has already been shattered into a million pieces and put back together again so many times that I wonder what, if anything, is actually left. Its presence beats against my rib cage, letting me know that it’s still intact - for now.
I didn’t want to tell him the way I did, out of anger, out of necessity to keep him at bay. But he needed to know that Cash and I had secretly gotten married. The ring I wore around my neck would be the barrier between us. Jack is used to getting his way, but not this time. Breaking his heart was a necessary evil that had to be done. The look on his face when I told him was confirmation that I had effectively done my job.
We were supposed to be doing press but Jack already had an attitude this morning and blew the whole thing up. He stormed out of the elevator like a child.
I’m not innocent in all of this either. In fact, I am the worst kind of person; the type to keep secrets, do anything to avoid actually facing the truth, and hide away inside myself so that no one can find me. Running away from problems was never the answer, but it never stopped me from trying.
I stop the elevator doors from closing and step out into the lobby of the hotel only moments after Jack but he was already gone. He is unpredictable, and when backed into a corner, he is almost sure to strike. This is why my heart races and my fingernails are chewed down to the nub by the time I reach the airport. I know he’s already boarded the private plane that is taking our band back to L.A., and who knows what damage he’s already done.
When I climb the steps of the private jet, I find Jack in a foul mood and an anxious Cash who looks relieved to see me. I understand the apprehension in his eyes as he greets me. It is difficult to be left behind while I do press with Jack. I can’t blame Cash for being jealous and wary of the time I have to spend with Jack, especially given our history.
Cash does understand, even with our history, when Jack and I focus on the music, it is the greatest barrier between us. The problems arise when we are outside of the creative bubble. Real-life looms down upon us like a black cloud. I can see those clouds forming now in the stormy depths of Jack’s eyes as they bore into me. A slight shiver runs up my spine and I silently flee for him to give me just this one thing.
“Oh, thank God. Cash was worried.” I can feel the venom in Jack’s voice and I want to punch him in the throat.
Amber dismisses me as usual, and I watch as she runs right for the bar. As much as I hate Jack at this moment, Amber’s actions rub me the wrong way. Jack’s sobriety is not only important for the band but for his family, and Amber doesn’t seem to care. He is already volatile in this moment, and she is oblivious. He is not in the right mind-frame to resist drinking. I did not give up everything to put Jack in rehab for him to just fucking throw it away.
Because I feel like being an asshole, I decide to speak my mind to Amber. “That’s not helpful,” I say to her.
“Excuse me?” Amber turns and her blue eyes narrow on me.
I can’t remember the last time we were in the same room together, and it didn’t feel like a gathering storm. We have reasons for disliking each other, and the common denominator is Jack. Amber is more vocal about her hatred towards me, though. Perhaps the demise of our friendship was the minute I showed up wearing those jeans with Jack’s handwriting all over them on the night we left for L.A. Jealously is a disease that corrodes you from the inside out. It subtly consumes you, festering over time until it can’t be contained anymore.
Maybe I should keep my mouth shut but I can’t help myself. “It’s just that your husband is an addict, so that,” I point to the drink in Amber’s hand, “is not helpful.”
“Well,I’mnot an addict, so I don’t see a problem.” Amber dismisses my warning as if I were a fly on her shoulder. Not wanting to start any more drama, I plop down in my seat.
“How was the interview?” Cash takes the seat next to me. I don’t want to lie to him, but I don’t want to start an argument either. Nobody knows we are married, well, besides Jack now. We didn’t want to interrupt the tour with our personal business and frankly, I don’t like the attention.
It was difficult enough to be on the road in close quarters with everyone, and I just wanted this one thing for myself. My marriage to Cash is something I could fold up inside my heart and keep safe if only for a little while longer. We’d planned to tell everyone as soon as we got back to L.A. I definitely had not planned on telling Jack the way I did, but at that moment I felt it couldn’t be avoided. Now, I wait for the bomb to drop.
I meet Jack’s gaze from across the plane, and I can visibly see the wheels turning inside his head. His gaze is equal parts dangerous and wounded. This tour is almost over and then I can put some distance between us. For now, we are stuck on this plane.
I don’t get the chance to answer Cash because Wade interrupts my thoughts with a statement. “If I were insecure, I’d be pissed reporters only want to talk to the two of you and not the whole band.” Wade points at Jack and then me, “But, since I’m not,” he says flippantly and takes the seat next to Adam, his boyfriend, and the lead singer ofRuin. I inwardly smile at the sight of the two of them. Wade has never looked more comfortable in his own skin than when he is with Adam. It’s so easy for the two of them. I have never been jealous of anyone but right now, I am jealous of them.
“Well, you didn’t miss much.” Jack’s voice startles me, answering Cash.
Before he can continue, the pilot’s voice booms over the intercom, announcing we are about to take off. I buckle my seatbelt.
“You didn’t ride back with Jack?” Cash asks, curious.
“No.” I don’t look at him.
