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I place my palm over his hand and it stills on my face. His expression changes to something else I’ve never seen before. I reach across the space between us and crash my mouth to his with urgency because I don’t want him to slip through my fingers too. He doesn’t kiss me back right away but I press my tongue against his lips until he lets me in. It becomes a chaotic dance of hands, mouths, and teeth mashing together in desperation. I straddle his lap, feeling the hardness of his cock pressing into me. The drugs still pulse in my veins, hot like jet fuel. I pull on the button of Bret’s jeans, desperate to remove the barrier between us, but he forcefully pushes me off him.
“Fuck,” he hisses, swiping the back of his hand across his mouth and adjusting his cock.
“Stop the car!” I yell and bang on the glass separating us from the driver.
“You don’t have to…”
I push against Bret’s chest, closing my hand into a fist, and hit him. The car comes to a stop. His eyes are somber and full of regret, making me want to slap him. I want to hit him until he quits looking at me like the pitiful person I have become.
Before he can stop me, I fling the door open and jump out. I have no idea where we are and I don’t care. I need to get away from him as fast as I can. The slap of Bret’s shoes hitting the sidewalk echo off the brick wall next to me and I whirl around, putting my hand out to stop him as he almost crashes into me.
“Stay away from me,” I tell him. “I don’t need a knight in shining armor.”
Bret hangs his head, conflict clearly displayed in his posture as he runs his hand over the back of his neck.
“That shouldn’t have happened,” he says.
“Fuck you!” I yell as I walk away, more embarrassed than angry.
“Mia, this isn’t you. This isn’t who you are!” Bret yells after me.
I turn around and walk backward to put more distance between us.
“You don’t know me. This is exactly who I was always meant to be.” But that’s not true. I can see the defeat in Bret’s eyes and I turn back around, continuing down the sidewalk.
“Do not let anyone define you!” Bret’s voice calls from behind me. “Not Jack or Cash,” he says out of breath, “Especially not me.”
What he says are just words. They don’t have the power to change what happened or what’s going to happen, but I slow my steps, curling my fingers around my shirt as I hug myself against the chilly night. Part of me hopes he comes after me, but another part craves the distance. When I am far enough away and I don’t hear his footsteps behind me, I don’t know if I’m sad or happy.
I turn the corner and begin to recognize my surroundings. The buildings come into focus, and the industrial district of L.A. appears before me. The faint sound of music pulsing in the distance propels me forward.
MUSIC HAS THE power to transport you to a place no one can reach, and collectively, with two hundred or more of L.A.’s youth, I am untouchable. The music pulses like a living, breathing heart. No one pays attention to my trashed tights or the dried blood under my nose. I am anonymous, part of the melee, not a person anymore, but a single, lonesome beat. Lights flash in sync with the music, a hypnotic rhythm that carries me through the crowd as if I am floating on a cloud.
There are so many colors all blending together as people dance. Someone lays a glow stick necklace over my head, and the phosphorous liquid bounces against my chest. Hands touch and paw at my skin as I move to the beat. The molly I was handed upon entering the warehouse has kicked in nicely, and it is in this euphoria that I leave behind all of my baggage. A girl about my age or younger stands before me, her hair in dreads, the tips dyed a nice shade of pink, beacons me to join her. Her beaded necklaces sway with the trancelike music, and it’s almost as if I can see the sound they make.
She holds my hands as we spin and sway and I like this feeling so much I don’t ever want to leave. I don’t ever want to know what it feels like to come down. I hug this girl, feeling her soft body against mine and she giggles against my ear. When I pull away, she kisses me, grabbing onto the sides of my face so gently, I barely feel her fingers against my flesh. Her lips are soft and edible, tasting like strawberry-flavored bubble gum. When she lets go of me, I laugh, shaking my head. I have never been kissed by a girl before.
I let go of her hand and push my way through the crowd until I find big barrels filled with ice. I want to climb inside one and take a nap, but I grab a water bottle instead, downing it in seconds.
I don’t realize how hot my skin is until the water pops and sizzles on its way down inside of me. I make my way outside, relaxing against the brick of the building and enjoying the cool air. The sky is a midnight blue dotted with stars, barely visible against the backdrop of downtown L.A. It hardly ever rains, and right now I wish it would so it could wash away all of the dirt covering me. I raise my hands to the sky and start to spin as if I am trying to conjure the rain. My boots hit heavy on the pavement and my laugh echoes in my ears.
“Mia?” Someone nearby says my name as if they are not sure who I am. I’m not sure who I am anymore.
I stop spinning, and once I do I lose my balance and start to crash, but hands grab me causing me to laugh.
“Where can I get whatever she’s on?” Someone else says, close by.
I right myself. “Molly’s inside,” I giggle, “and she’s beautiful.”
The man holding my hands comes into focus and I squint my eyes. Long brown hair and familiar blue eyes stare back at me. I know him from somewhere, but I can’t place him.
“You have blood under your nose.” He spits onto the corner of his shirt and lifts it to wipe away the crusted blood from my face. I’m too high to protest, and the act is so sweet that I don’t pull away.
“You don’t remember me, do you?” He seems hurt but still smiles, enhancing his high cheekbones.
I shake my head bashfully, aware of how rude it is but unable to really care at the moment.
“Keelin.” The name slips from his lips and moves along the air towards me like a butterfly I could reach out and grab.
