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Venom runs through my veins as I get up from my chair to make my way down the hallway. As soon as I open the bathroom door, I see the receptionist, wearing only her bra, pulling at Jack’s belt. I see red. Not because I’m jealous, but because I’m appalled at this woman’s boldness.
“Get the fuck out of here!” I yell and watch as she gathers up her things and scurries from the bathroom. I am angry at her, and I am angry at Jack. Even if he is grieving, there is no excuse for what he was about to do.
I grab his hand and yank him from the bathroom. I don’t let go until we are in the parking lot. My chest heaves as the adrenaline courses through my veins.
“What the fuck is wrong with you?” I yell at him in frustration.
All he does is shrug, and it just makes me angrier.
“You haven’t changed at all, have you?” I ask, pacing in front of the car. This is what I was afraid of. He’s the same Jack who only cares about himself.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” he finally speaks up.
“I thought you got your shit together being in rehab.” I am so angry that I let myself get sucked into Jack’s world again. “I can’t do this again.”
“Do what, Mia?” Jack tries to stop me from leaving, even though I have no idea where I was going. I’m in the middle of bumblefuck Payson, and the only place I know is my parent’s house. “Be my friend?”
“Don’t do that to me!” I yell, pointing an angry finger at him. “Don’t make me out to be the bad guy.” I throw my hands in the air.
“You were going to have sex with some random nurse in a Hospice facility where your Dad just died,” I manage to spit out, appalled at even the thought of it. “That is not something a sane person does.” I try to shake him, hoping it will wake him up. “Do you get that?”
Jack shakes his head and places his hands on the roof of the car. “I don’t know what is wrong with me.” His body shakes with either anger or sadness.
I watch him carefully, recognizing all of the signs that he doesn’t want to see. “You’re grieving,” I say calmly, the anger slowly seeping out of my body.
“This is bullshit!” he yells and kicks the tire. “How can I be grieving?”
“Because you loved him.” I place my hand on his shoulder to steady him. Everything about this breaks my heart. I know Jack hated his father; I witnessed the nightmares and the self-medication. But I also know that he wanted his father to love him more than anything.
“I hated him,” Jack says and leans against me as if he can’t hold up his own weight. It’s okay, because I can be strong enough for both of us.
“You can hate someone and love them at the same time,” I whisper which makes me think of Cash. I feel these words deep in my bones, and I understand them so well now.
Jack turns around to face me, a look of remorse in his teary eyes. “Is that how you feel about me?” His question surprises me.
Jack laughs sadly, not letting me answer his question. “Funny, I thought it would be the other way around.”
I don’t know if I want to answer that question. I’m not ready for the feelings I’m having.
“I think that he was an awful father to you, but that doesn’t mean that you didn’t want him to love you.” I hold onto him. The connection between us is undeniable, transcending love or hate.
“I shouldn’t care what he thought or felt for me,” Jack says, breaking down.
“But it’s okay that you did.” I cup his face, searching his eyes and hoping that he hears me, that he understands.
He rests his forehead against mine. “The only person in this world I cannot exist without is you.” He breathes me in and moves his hands to touch my hair. I didn’t realize until now that I started wearing the braid in my hair again. Perhaps it was subconsciously that I did. “I love you.” He stares straight into me like he has always been able to do. “I’ve always loved you.”
“I know,” I breathe against him.
WE PULL UP in front of my childhood home and Jack cuts the engine. Seeing the restored Victorian home brings about so many emotions. I suppose Jack losing his father gave me perspective about my own relationship with my parents, and it’s time I stop running. I don’t want to go another decade without trying to repair what we’ve broken, especially knowing what my future may hold.
“Are you sure you don’t want to drive back with me?” I know it’s hard for him to leave me here, especially because he was the one to comfort me when my parents refused to talk to me after I left home. He was the one to wipe my tears when I’d hang up the phone after arguing with my mom.
But he’ll leave me here because I asked him to.
“I’m gonna stay with my parents for a couple of days and take a plane back to L.A.” I look at the house, hoping my parents will be able to understand me this time. I know I’ve hurt them in the past, and I used to resent them for not supporting me. Life is hard enough without being accepted for your decisions.
I know I’m not the daughter they hoped I would be. They wanted someone who obeyed, who didn’t talk back, wore pretty dresses, and played Chopin. I was none of those things, often too loud, disobedient and hell-bent on doing the opposite of everything they wanted, just to prove a point. If I had stayed, maybe I would have succumbed to their wishes, but I didn’t. I have Jack to thank for finding my place in the world.
