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I just sit still in my seat, the pounding in my head growing so strong I can barely think. Or breathe. Heaving myself off the chair, I twist around and plow my fingers through my hair.
“I don’t know,” I say.
“How could you do this to Chloe?” she demands. “Do you have any idea what you’re putting her through?”
I whirl around. “Do I have any idea?I’mthe one who spends the most time with her.I’mthe one who sees how…” I swallow hard. “How she feels about him.”
“Liam…do you like Chloe?”
I squeeze my eyes shut.
“Oh my gosh. You do, don’t you? How did I not see this? For how long?”
I sigh as my eyes open. “A few years.”
“A fewyears? You’ve been in love with Chloe for years? Does anyone know? Lily?”
I shake my head.
She gapes at me. “How didn’t any of us notice this?”
“Because you all see me as a buddy, a brother. Including Chloe.”
“Liam, you need to tell her.”
“I can’t. She doesn’t feel the same way.”
“How do you know that?”
“I just do! Don’t you get it? I’ve been here all this time. Foryears. By her side. Hanging out with her in the kitchen. WatchingSwords and Legendsand other TV shows and movies with her. All this time, I was right here.Right here. And she never noticed me.” A hard swallow makes its way down my throat. “And when a guy shows her interest, she starts having feelings for him. While I was herethe whole time.”
“What other guy?” Willow asks. “You’rethe other guy. Which means, she has feelings for you, too.”
“No—”
“I don’t get it, Liam. All this time, you made it seem like you weren’t the biggest fan of Mr. Love and the secret admirer. You were so against Chloe getting closer to the secret admirer. But it wasyou.” Her eyes widen. “Wait. Now I get it. You were jealous. That explains why you were so against him. But…” She scratches her head. “You’re him. So you were jealous of…yourself...What?” She shakes her head in total befuddlement.
“No, you don’t get it. Those guysaren’tme. They’re versions of myself I wish I could be but never will be. And Chloe has fallen for them, not me. Which means, she will never like me. Therealme.”
“Liam.” She gets up and places her hand on my arm. “You don’t know that.”
“Of course I do! Because I’ve spent the last few years hoping and dreaming…I wasright here. By her side the entire time. But she’ll only ever see me as a brother.” I gulp in a shaky breath and let it seep out of my nose. “I thought if I was Mr. Love and she liked me, it would be easier to tell her how I felt. But it wasn’t any easier. So I thought I could write her a letter. Thought it would be easier to tell her the truth.” I laugh bitterly. “But it didn’t make it any easier, either. It just showed me that she could never want me. Because she wanted the guy from the letters. Not her best friend.”
Willow is quiet for a bit before rubbing my arm. “Liam, you need to tell her how you feel. This isn’t healthy for you—”
I yank my arm away from her. “Do you have any idea what that would do to our relationship? She’ll never be comfortable around me. She’ll never be her true self around me. Our friendship will be ruined.”
“Who said that will happen?”
“I know it will! When we stayed in the motel after the convention, there was only one bed. I offered to sleep on the floor, but Chloe insisted I share the bed with her. When we woke up…” I swallow because it still hurts to think about it. “We were tangled in each other’s arms. I felt so happy to be that close to her. But Chloe?” I squeeze my eyes shut as my stomach twists like a pretzel. “She was so uncomfortable. So uncomfortable to wake up in my arms like that. To be thatcloseto me.” Tears prick my eyes, but I force them away. “I knew right then that there could never be anything between us. And then she wrote a letter to the secret admirer and…” I rub my forehead. “I wanted to stop. It killed me how much I was hurting her. But…” I sigh and turn around. “I just couldn’t leave her hanging like that. Something’s wrong with me, Willow. I can’t explain it, but I saw him as a real person. It was like Ibecamea different person when I was him. And me, the real Liam, was so jealous of him. Jealous of the way her eyes lit up when she read his letters or spoke about him. Jealous of the way she was always daydreaming about him during class. Jealous of the sweet words she wrote to him.” I turn around to face her. “I’m jealous of the person I can never be.”
Willow walks over to me and slides her hand into mine. “You don’t have to try to be someone you’re not. Just be yourself. Chloe will love you for you.”
I shake my head. “She never will. And you know it.”
Willow twists her mouth, like she wants to refute but knows I’m right. Because she and the rest of our friends would have noticed if Chloe liked me. But like the rest of them, she just sees me as a friend.
Willow squeezes my hand. “Whether or not she has feelings for you, you need to tell her the truth, Liam. I can’t pretend to understand how hard this must be for you, but you’re hurting her.”
