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She laughed, then stood. “I’m glad you’re here, you know. You’re not only good for Sebastian, but for us, too. We love you,”
I gave her a look. “If Zach hears you say that, he’d definitely think you’re joking.”
She lowered her voice, leaning closer. “He’s glad you’re here too, even if he won’t admit it.”
I shrugged. “It’s okay. Even if I’m just someone he can let his self-loathing out on.”
She laughed again, then walked toward the door. “Speaking of self-loathing, talk to Seb. He’s been all broody since you told him what’s what. Not that he didn’t deserve it, but I figure he’s had enough time to sit on things and hopefully realizes forcing you to do anything isn’t a good option.”
My stomach dipped. I had barely spoken to him since that night. It was true, I had been avoiding him, spending as much time with Azia as I could, practicing from the spell book that Charles, the owner of the bookshop gave me. We had little time, with Astor escaping, and had to leave this house. But it didn’t feel as bad, going from place to place, as long as I had my new family with me. “I’ll talk to him,” I promised. “See you downstairs this evening for our usual tea and chat.”
“Not this evening.” She turned the handle, the door creaking open. Her look told me everything. It was time to go to back to Malum Dominor. But this time, I wasn’t going behind Sebastian’s back. If he didn’t want to help me kill Salenia, then had to at least stand aside while I did. Because this was my fate, and as much as I loved him, I wasn’t just doing it for him. Erianna and Zach’s souls would be saved, plus my mom’s soul was trapped in the underworld too, along with my dad’s. They deserved peace, so they could move on into the afterlife.
She left the room, and I sat, alone on the bed. My heart skipped a beat when I thought about my mom, dead, knowing I couldn’t ever see her again. I sucked in a deep breath, as if all the air had been sucked from the room, and closed my eyes. Forcing the feelings into the same, buried part of me containing the guilt from the boy I’d killed, relieved the tension in my body. Opening my eyes, I could breathe again, although it was a little staggered. I’d been so numb that for a moment, I hadn’t noticed Sebastian standing in the doorway.
My gaze trailed his body, from his tousled black hair to the tattoos peeking out under his rolled-up sleeves, and the points of his wings towering over his head. His blue eyes regarded me, his expression hesitant as he stayed rooted to the spot. The bond joining us tugged me in his direction. The desire to be close to him, to smell his scent and feel his arms around me, was too strong. It always was.
As I reached him, I ran my hands over his chest, gazing up, hoping he’d changed his mind. But his emotions were all over the place as I lowered my barrier. I couldn’t get a feel for what he wanted. The broken part of me, barely containing the grief and guilt it carried, purred in his presence. Maybe that’s why I was really staying away. Because with him, I was vulnerable. Just his being made me want to crack up and spill it all, the hurt and suffering, to let it all out. But I wasn’t ready yet.
“My love.” He tucked his finger under my chin, his tortured gaze flicking around my own. “I’m sorry for before.”
Stop.
He continued. “I just can’t lose you again. I love you too much.”
Please don’t.
“You deserve more than all of this.”
I don’t.
Holding back everything suddenly felt more difficult than ever. My magic thrummed as the guilt curled around my coil like a snake until I couldn’t breathe. “Sebastian!” I snapped, then swallowed thickly. “Stop thinking that I’m not good enough for you,” I sighed, feeling it constantly in our bond, “that I deserve more because I don’t. The gods picked me to rid this world of Salenia, and I agreed. If I don’t do it, then I won’t be able to live with myself. Azia said I’m the only one who can destroy her. She knows it too, which is why she wanted me gone.” My eyes clamped shut, blocking his pitied expression from my view. “I am immortal and a sorceress. I’m built to do this, and I have to. Not just for our sakes, but my parents, too. They’re trapped in the underworld and when I die, it will be a lonely existence without all of you.”
“I know,” he said, his tone more soothing than I’d ever heard it. “I’ve underestimated you. Not because I don’t think you could kill her. In fact, I have all the faith in the world that you will succeed.” He paused. “I’m just afraid.”
The words cut into my soul. The instinct to take his fear away was almost overwhelming. But I didn’t. It didn’t feel fair to.
“That’s why I’ve come up here,” he explained. “To tell you the truth. You should know everything before you make your decision.”
He sat on the bed and relayed everything Avyanna told him. From my death to the completion of the prophecy. After, he stared, waiting for me to react, but I couldn’t find the words. I mulled over what he said, the words playing in my mind until I was sick of them.
If I killed Salenia, then I would die too. It woulddestroyme. Now I understood his unwillingness to let me go. “Timelines can change,” I finally spluttered, finding my voice. “We just have to find a different way, and maybe get a second opinion.”
His brows knitted together. “This isn’t a doctor’s visit. There is no second opinion.”
“I won’t run away from this, Sebastian. I can’t. I don’t want to die either, and I’ll try not to, but if it’s meant to be, then…” what could I say? I looked at his sullen expression, my heart weighed with the reality that if I saved his soul, I would be damning it too. I heard the unspoken words in our bond.‘I can’t live without you.’I shook my head. “We must talk to Azia. I don’t trust the word of a sorceress I’ve never met. Azia will know what to do, and he’s a psychic.”
Sebastian grabbed my hand before I could race out the door, pulling my body into his in a surprise embrace. His voice cracked, and pain ripped through our bond. “Don’t go. Not yet.” He paused, then pressed his lips against the top of my head. He didn’t need to say the words. I could feel them in our bond as he tried to hide it all from me, so he wouldn’t distress me more.
‘I’ve never been so afraid of losing someone.’
My heart shattered, his fear and grief tumbling into my own, heightening my senses. His anguish over losing me the last time stole the air in my lungs, the fear of being without me, without our bond, alone again. He’d always been my rock, the strong one who chose reason and logic, but as he held onto me, I realized this hug was more for him.
I had to be his rock. Even if he didn’t want me to. Even if he was scared for me. I ran my hands over down his arms, feeling his muscles tensing under my touches. “When was the last time you fed?” I gazed up at his bloodshot eyes. “Or slept properly?”
His eyes widened. “Don’t worry about me. I’m fine. Really.”
He wanted me to believe his words, but little could get past the bond, especially when he was so wanting. I could sense everything, his desire, and how much he missed me. He always had tortured himself over things he shouldn’t, and I wanted to relax him a little, to take care of him.
