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“Ok, how about this? You like ice cream? I’ve been craving it real bad.” The kid nods, excited. “Good, so how bout we go get ourselves some ice cream, and then I’ll bring you to your mama’s job. I bet she’ll be real glad to see you.”
“That sounds good.”
“Perfect. Let’s go.”
Twenty minutes later, we’re eating overfilled cones of the best ice cream in town, and my heart fucking aches. I’m trying to remember if I ever took Ev here for ice cream, and I can’t remember one fucking time. The kid isn’t much older than this one here. He deserves a dad who gives a shit about him—who spends time with him.
I make a vow right then and there. Once I hand this kid over to his mama, I’m done. I’m out of the drug dealing business, once and for all. I’ll go back to school, get a job, and become the dad Ev deserves. He isn’t gonna just be another statistic, lost on the streets because he grew up with no one giving a fuck about him. No, all of that’s changing today.
I know it’s gonna be a long road, and Ev probably hates me, but I’m determined. I’ll do whatever the fuck it takes. No way am I ever gonna let my son be in a position where someone tries to sell or use him. It’s time for me to suck it up and be the man and father my kid deserves.
ONE
LAKE
PRESENT DAY
“Honestly, I'm surprised at how badly this is getting to her. Whenever Zo and I talked about kids, it was always hypothetical. I was never sure if she actually wanted them. But I guess now that she knows she can’t, it’s put it into perspective.”
I’m half listening to Avery talk to my brother River and his boyfriend Cooper, but most of my attention is on the little bundle of cuteness in my arms. I never thought much about children one way or the other, and I certainly never planned to have any of my own, but even I have to admit that my niece Mirielle has me wrapped around her little finger.
Mirielle, or Miri, as River calls her, is just three months old but is already clearly in charge. When we found out that my brother was pregnant, I never expected to feel like this about his child, but the minute I laid eyes on his little one, my whole world changed.
So I understand how Zoe is feeling. But, of course, the opposite happened to me. I never expected to be able to carry my children. I’m a man, after all. But all that changed about a year ago when River accidentally got pregnant, and the world realized the Omega gene was back.
Once they started testing for it, it was logical for me to have it done. Since River is my identical twin, it only made sense. It also wasn’t much of a surprise when the results came back positive.
The question is what to do about it. I don’t plan on having my own children. It’s one thing to dote on my niece and even watch her occasionally, but I’m not suited to be a father. It’s something I came to terms with a long time ago. I’m too logical and don’t always understand how most people react to certain situations. I would struggle to raise an emotionally well-rounded child. That’s not to mention that my profession isn’t suited for family life. Only my immediate family knows that I’m not IT for an accounting firm, but even they don't know the whole story. And it’s safest to keep it that way. So no, I’ll leave baby raising to River and Cooper, and eventually my sister Essie, and just be the uncle who spoils them.
But still, I can’t help but think about Avery and Zoe’s situation. They are newer additions to the extended Simmons family. Avery has been Cooper’s best friend since childhood, and he and his girlfriend Zoe easily inserted themselves into our lives.
A couple of weeks ago, Zoe found out that she was infertile and is taking it hard. Since I accidentally found out when they were talking about it near me, an idea formed, but I don’t know how to broach the subject with them.
The couple is a lot closer to River. Maybe I should talk to him first? I tend to think about situations very logically, but not everyone does. To me, the solution is simple: They can’t have a baby. I apparently can. It only makes sense for me to act as a surrogate for the couple when they’re ready. I never plan on having a child of my own, but that doesn’t mean I should let my capabilities go to waste. But I’m not sure the best way to approach the subject.
Miri starts fussing in my arms and making faces that indicate her diaper is no longer dry. “River, I think your daughter soiled her diaper,” I tell my twin, who’s leaning against his boyfriend’s shoulder while they cuddle together on their couch.
Riv rolls his eyes at me as he pushes himself off the sofa and goes to the drawer in the TV stand where they keep extra diapers and wipes. “I can get that for you, babe,” Cooper tells him, but River waves him off.
“I got it.” River takes his daughter from me, and his eyes light up as he looks at her. “Hey, there, sweetheart, did you leave a present for Uncle Lake?”
Miri stares at her dad with big brown eyes and a gummy smile as he lays out a blanket on the floor and begins to change her. Miri gurgles and kicks, clearly happy with herself for the “present,” as River called it, that she left us in her diaper. That’s another reason I’m not having kids. I’m not a diaper changing type of guy.
I know I should probably go back to my own townhouse, which is just on the other side of the complex, but I’m not quite ready to leave yet. It’s weird. I never considered myself much of a people person. Besides River, and to a smaller extent, Dad and Essie, I keep to myself. Lately, though, I hate the idea of going home alone to my place even though I do have work to do.
River and I have always lived together, except when we were in college. It was an adjustment period when he and Cooper moved to their own townhouse together a few months ago and left me alone in our apartment. I found I hated being so far away from everyone. So three weeks ago, I moved into my townhouse in the same complex. I’m still not sure if River is happy with that development. I think he was kind of enjoying having some space away from the twin thing. He’d never say that, though. He knows how much I need to be close and would never belittle that.
Soon, though, it becomes clear that it's time to go. Avery says his goodbyes and heads out. Miri has fallen asleep, and Cooper’s putting her in her crib for a nap. River’s dozing off on the couch. Obviously, this is all a sign I need to leave and go back to my own life, but I still couldn’t make myself move off my brother’s chair. It makes no sense; I never had an issue being alone until recently. But now, I find myself dreading the solitude. The silence is suffocating, and I hate it.
I grip the armrests on the chair, trying to force myself to stand up. River opens one eye and looks over at me. “Lake, are you ok?”
I look at him quizzically. “What do you mean?”
River shrugs. “I don’t know, man. You’re about to tear a hole in my chair because you’re gripping it so hard. Also, you’ve been staring at the door for ten minutes but haven’t actually left. You know I can sense when you’re struggling with something, right? You can’t really hide from me.”
I look down at my lap, not able to look in the eyes that look so much like my own. That’s another thing that never bothers me much: that River and I share a face. I know sometimes River claims he’s weirded out by it, especially when we are having a serious conversation. It’s like his soul’s being exposed by watching his own face. I never understood that until now. I feel so exposed—it’s too much. I just can’t look at him now.
“I’m not sure what’s wrong. It makes no sense,” I finally tell him because I know River’s not going to give it up until I confess something.
