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I avert my eyes. “I do. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to lock up the lab before we go.”
“Is that you passive-aggressively asking me to leave?”
“You want a more direct command, Rebecca? Fine. I need you to leave the lab right now. Truthfully, it’s probably best if you don’t ever come back. We’ve grown too close. I know it, and you know it.” My fists ball at my sides. I don’t want to lay it out like this, but I have no other choice. “You’re officially affecting my ability to do good work.”
A gasp flies from her mouth. “I’m affecting your ability? Wow.” She shakes her head, scoffing. “Fine.” She slaps her palms against her sides. “If you don’t want me back, I guess I have to respect that. But just know that you’re completely fucking me over because you’re having a hard time embracing any emotion other than grumpy fucking asshole.”
My mouth hangs open. No one ever speaks to me like this. Especially not a student. “I think it’s best you leave.”
“Yeah, I think you’re probably right.” Rebecca reaches into her bag and pulls out her laptop. “Here’s all the research I did, the hours I spent logging the data we’ve come up with together. It’s all yours.” I open my mouth to object, realizing that my own bullshit will completely ruin her chances of graduating on time. She sets it on the table a little too hard, and I flinch, knowing that its precious information is at stake. “When you’ve recorded all the findings, leave it in the dean’s office, and I’ll go and pick it up Monday, have him assign me a mentor who wants me around.”
I can’t believe I’ve been so selfish. “It’s not that I don’t want you here, Rebecca. It’s that I do!” I’m shouting, my emotions so out of my control that my vision’s nearly fuzzy.
“Yeah?” She once again throws her backpack over her shoulder. “Well, you have a really funny way of showing it.” She throws her hand out and meets my eye. “It’s been a pleasure working with you, Dr. Jameson.”
I can’t move at first, unable to believe I’ve been such an asshole. I’m ruining all of the good moments we’ve had, the incredibly easy partnership, just because I can’t allow myself to feel for her. “Take care, Rebecca.” I don’t take her hand, leaving her standing there with egg on her face.
She doesn’t say a word. Instead, she turns on her heel and stomps out the door, her dark hair flying behind her. I’m stone still until I hear her sneakers squeaking down the steps. I can’t believe I just let that happen.
“Fuck!” I yell and bash my fist against the lab table, causing the laptop to bounce up and down. “I’m an idiot.” I mutter, hunched over, resting my head in my hands. What is so wrong with me that I can’t even tell the woman how I feel about her? As much as I’m telling myself it’s for her sake, maybe I’m keeping this wall up for my own. Taking the risk of opening my heart to someone is terrifying, and unlike science, there is no black-and-white answer to how things will turn out.
What the hell have I gotten myself into?
ChapterEight
Rebecca
I hatemyself for crying over him. I hate myself more for having to call into work tonight because I can’t stop crying over him. Nothing about this is okay, and I feel like a total idiot for not being able to put a stop to my feelings sooner. I pull the blanket around me and sink deeper into the sofa. Ten o’clock on a Friday night, and even if I’m not studying, I’m alone. I feel like a complete loser.
Images of Kellan keep popping into my head. How angry he appeared when he told me that we probably shouldn’t work together anymore. But he was lying; anyone could see it. He can’t be around me because he feels the same way about me that I do for him. I can’t make him act on those feelings, though. That’s the true travesty of it all.
I wipe another tear from my cheek and curse my own vulnerabilities. I’ll allow myself tonight, but starting tomorrow, I’m going to have to pretend that none of this happened, and I’ll email Dean Toddson for an extension. I could kick myself for putting my studies second.
My eyelids grow heavy and the soft, cozy blanket of sleep begins wrapping its arms around me. Yes, this is where I want to be right now. No school, no research, and no Dr. Kellan Jameson.
I’m nearly out when there’s a knock at the door.
My eyes jerk open. Did that really just happen or am I dreaming? I lay still, listening. Sure enough, the knock comes again. It’s probably someone’s food order. The grad students' apartments are hard to differentiate. I kick the blanket off and throw open the front door.
“I didn’t order any food—” My words die in my throat. I can’t believe what I’m seeing. Dr. Jameson stands in the hallway, his eyes red. He looks as bad as I feel, yet he’s still a sight for sore eyes.
“Dr. Jameson.”
“Can I come in?” He asks but doesn’t wait for me to answer. He brushes by me, smelling clean and sexy as ever.
“How do you know where I live?” I close the door, edging my way back to my living room.
“It’s in the student records.” Kellan stands near the sofa, running his hand through his mane of thick hair. In my tiny living room, the oversized professor is absolutely massive. “I’m sorry to barge in like this, and I understand if you want me to go.”
I cross my arms over my chest, realizing I’m not wearing a bra. I wasn’t expecting company. “You came here to say something? Say it.”
He nods, appearing more like a little boy than the intellectually intimidating man I’ve grown to know. “I’ve been an asshole, Rebecca. I don’t want to stop working with you.” He sits on the sofa, staring ahead. “I’ve been trying to deny my feelings for you, but it’s a moot fucking point. I thought if I suppressed them, they’d go away. But, they’re growing stronger by the day.”
He gazes at me with those giant brown eyes of his, and I nearly melt on the spot.
“And I’m sorry. I’m so sorry if I made you feel like shit because I’m too foolish to admit my own feelings, to take a risk and tell you that being with you has made me happier than any single day I’ve ever spent in the lab.”
My heart pounds in my chest. For a man like Kellan, who’s devoted his life to his research, that means a lot. “I love being with you, too.” I take a step toward him. “And this isn’t an easy situation. In fact, it’s downright terrifying.”
